He closed my eyes as he left
hiding heart-loaned failures with shuttered shades
drawn against unforgiving sun.
No more open window view
revealing stolen shadows on faded walls
whose bleak façade was eaten from within
like timber's voice haunting termite buffet,
abandoned in my prime
as interest peaked and then declined.
The pitter patter of possibility echoes silence,
and dreary blonde curtains
no longer breathe culinary fragrance
of dinner for two.
Neglect paints my raccoon eyes in mascara mold
while siding blisters rust,
in memory of eroding trust.
I shiver cold winds tickling my pain;
frosty fingers seeking entrance to
once-warm core.
As neighbors preen I stand alone.
Shut down,
I cannot see the shame.
Author notes
prompt: window blind
image credit: http://www.danheller.com/images/UnitedStates/Oregon/window-blinds-n-sil-bw-big.jpg
c i t r i n e s u n r i s e
In a list
A contest entry
- Unplanned - Round Four by Never Fall in Love.
400 points, ended May 24, 8 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - the ethereal rounds;; auditions. by Immortal Obscurity.
775 points, ended August 2, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
How do you think I could improve this poem?
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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Excellent
This poem draws this reader into a dark stage of existance,the metaphores are wonderful and soul chilling.
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Congratulations on the June Rave. Very well deserving. I enjoyed it immensly the first time around and it is a poem I could reead many times.
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Congrats on the June "Rave", Citrine. This is a really superb piece and well-deserved of the feature
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I notice that you don't seem to like punctuation very much, as there are several places that you forgot to add the proper marks. Other than that minor detail, this was a lovely write; just something to be aware of in the future.
Welcome to round one.
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I appreciate your comments, but I must disagree. I am a stickler for punctuation (just ask anyone whose poems I've critiqued). I think this poem has all the necessary punctuation, but I would enjoy learning where you think additional marks would be valuable. I am always open to other opinions. Thank you for advancing me to the next round. I look forward to the challenge. Peace, Liz
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I look forward to having you on-board.
I was looking at this bit as an example:
"I shiver[,] cold winds tickling my pain;
frosty fingers seeking entrance to
once-warm core.
As neighbors preen[,] I stand alone."
And I forgot to mention how much I loved 'termite buffet'. Creepy, but still beautiful.
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whew... strong piece. strong, well-done, achingly honest emotional excavation going on here. Solid, sustaining metaphor and the form is superb. And all within the constraints of the contest parameters.
If this one is silver i must see wht took gold. Great writing!
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Wow, the picture you paint is so strong with this poem. The bitter feelings of a break-up strung together like a crown of thorns piercing flesh and spirit.
Well Done!
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What a feast of poetic device and emotional imagery. Pure brilliance!
I think you more than met the challenge, but exceeded it and took it beyond.*
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Whoa, definitely deserving of the Silver trophy it sports. I loved all the poetic devices you employed, and I see it was written to such specifications and came out so beautiful, so deep and profound. All that from "window blind", amazing.
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Personification is as old as poetry itself and with every piece someone has to raise the stakes and take the concept higher above the obvious. You succesfully manage to elevate personification with superb imagery delivered with exquisite vocabulary. I think the trophy is well deserved.
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congradulations on the silver
loved the write my fave lines
The pitter patter of possibility echoes silence,
and dreary blonde curtains
no longer breathe culinary fragrance
of dinner for two.
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a well deserved trophy! i am very impressed w/your take on the simple prompt, 'window blind'...very creative and well executed!
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I love the first line - especially after reading the whole poem, it is just so fitting and unexpected. I wasn't expecting a poem about an abandoned house when I started reading. I can not add to what others have said. This is a wonderful poem, and having read all the items that were being looked for in this contest, I can say you hit them all bang on.
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"abandoned in my prime
as interest peaked and then declined..."
These lines are powerful. You could be writing of a building or a life, a heart or a hope! Excellent!
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I love this poem, it flows very nice and this is my favorite line(s)
"hiding heart-loaned failures with shuttered shades
drawn against unforgiving sun.....abandoned in my prime
as interest peaked and then declined."
Congrats on the silver trophy. Beautifully penned.
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I absolutely loved the unusual imagery here- it made me read and think carefully. You caught my attention with that first line. Im a huge fan of metaphor so this well done piece was a pleasure for me.
Wonderful.
K
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Your simile is superb...It strides past those of above-ordinary to set higher standard. Each well-place phrase picks up the staccato beat of bygone.
Such metaphor as this pinpricks all the way through until the "letting" at the end where we realize the brilliance consumed in read. Blue
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Bravo!! Standing in Applause!
Silver? I have to see what won the gold as this is absolute perfection.
Your free verse here is filled with wonderful poetic device as you pluck and pull emotion in and out of words like thread through a needle.
And your metaphor - did I mention your metaphor? Excellent. Brilliantly played to the trials and troubles that plague so many today. I am awestruck!
Utterly creative and completely perfect. Every word a gem, every sound a delight.
Wonderful poetry ... Bravo. ~Pamela
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A wonderful free verse piece with some very original imagery. Best of luck, and thanks for entering.
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Ohhhh...this is eerie. I feel...dark as I read. The impeccable metaphor clearly creates a brilliant opportunity to draw the reader into another world, this character's dark, complex mind...wonderful write!
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Title 3/4
Clarity 3/3
Poetic voice/tone 3/3
Impact 3/4
Creativeness 5/5
Personal Reaction 5/5
Imagery 10/10
Emotion 10/10
Overall Balance 9/10
Use of given metaphor 19/20
Rules (25/26)
- line limit [20-50] 3/3
- ten syllable line 3/3
- two syllable line 3/3
- simile 3/3
- internal rhyme 2/3
- alliteration 3/3
- onomatopoeia 3/3
- personification 3/3
- other [no vignettes] 2/2
Total: 95/100
DAMN! This. seriously. blows. me. away.
It's probably your best in this whole rounds contest. I love it. After I saw what your metaphor was, i was drowing in your genius - absolutely amazing.
Now down to technicality. I really have no critique at all. You followed all the rules and did a pretty good job at that. The only thing i could really point out is that the internal rhyme could be more subtle - it stands out. One trick i use with internal rhyme is to not have them at the ends of the lines and so it joins in with the sentence. Having them at the break makes you pause and realise as well as visually, you can see the rhyme.
A second thing is that although I loved your ending, I think you could use line breaks to make it have more impact and so it hits harder - perhaps a sort of pause between shutdown and the last line? breaking the last sentence as well could also help the reader to pause and dig it in slowly.
Overall, I am seriously amazed
Chandni -
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Thank you for giving my poem such a thorough critique. Since I am primarily a rhyming poet I am never sure about internal rhyme. Your suggestions are very helpful, and I will incorporate them in the future. Peace, Liz
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Some great details that contribute to a feeling of doom and grimness. Well done.
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I'm not a great fan of competitions that run riot with rules - and I see here that you have woven many of the examples given by the host into this work. This could so easily have fallen flat on its face; however, your once barren muse has formed these prompts into a spellbinding but very poignant poem. Your use of perfect metaphor tenderly laces this harrowing scene.
"He closed my eyes as he left
hiding heart-loaned failures with shuttered shades
drawn against unforgiving sun."
Such a powerful opening. This is a very human foreclosure, so deftly portrayed - and I enjoyed reading it immensely.
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wow! what a display of poetic devices, this would make a good addition to a lesson plan, how to write really, really good poetry... excellent, so expressive...PK
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This was quite a difficult challenge, but it was fun to really stretch my writing. My muse has been taking a vacation, and being in this rounds contest has forced me to sit down and concentrate. Thank you for your kind comments. Peace, Liz
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