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Abscessed Thoughts

The day approached softly into night
The hill was high, the grass the greenest I've ever seen
A single bare tree danced in the winds
Against the skeletal dark
The moon was bright and whispered, "Now"
What that meant was beyond my clouded head
I lay with a bottle of separated happiness
The end-It was near
The taste of a last cigarette lingered
As I fell into the abyss of my thoughts
The guilt bleed transparent
The abscessed thoughts held to my infected soul
A slave to something I couldn't see
It was time
Time to leave
My obsession's have taken hold
Now I must go
Forever

A contest entry

What are your thoughts?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • Kathraina silver member
    July 20

    Edit | Reply
    Oh wow, such sadness in the last lines.
    Great job with this write.
    Bravo

    ♥ Kate

  • groovy afternoon
    May 25

    Edit | Reply
    The moon was bright and whispered, "Now"
    What that meant was beyond my clouded head
    I lay with a bottle of separated happiness
    The end-It was near


    Some memories are tinged with such guilt and bitterness, I would have to liken such to a poisoning of one's soul. Imagery was good here, and the meaning was very well construed.

  • arnal
    May 25

    Edit | Reply
    This is a good poem,loved the imagery,nice descriptive words-"The taste of a last cigarette lingered" love that.


  • bludstaindsoliloquy
    May 25

    Edit | Reply
    this was a veri strong piece .. . trudging through time and internal reparation. I lovved the flow and rhythm of the piece.

    I'm convinced that you will prosper in the contest!

    Makae Mae


  • Shatter.Me.Fast
    May 25

    Edit | Reply
    Oh my,
    This was remarkable.
    Truly remarkable.
    I agree though this poem doesn't need revising.
    Not one bit.
    My favorite lines would be
    The moon was bright and whispered, "Now"
    What that meant was beyond my clouded head

    breath taking.


  • coversheet
    May 25

    Edit | Reply
    "The taste of a last cigarette lingered
    As I fell into the abyss of my thoughts"

    pretty pretty descriptions. i like this quite a bit. the structure made it difficult for me to pay attention, haha, but i did anyways because it just kinda drew me in. the last few lines recapture some of the magic that is sensed in the beginning, which i really like.
    thanks for sharing, man ~


  • whiterabbit.
    April 30

    Edit | Reply
    I really like this. I like the descriptions you've included and the way that you worded this. I really like the lines
    "A single bare tree danced in the winds
    Against the skeletal dark"

    Nice write and thanks for entering.


  • DeepDarkDesire
    April 28

    Edit | Reply

    Impressive

    I like the philosophical aspects of this poem, the way it flows (even though it's written in prose) works wonderfully with your lexical choice. The metaphor-"Skeletal dark"-really made this poem for me in that it is pathetic fallacy which rivets me to no end as a writer This poem has a very Sylvia Plath feel to it, which means I'm autmatically biased when I say;
    "Don't revise this, it needs nothing of the sort "


    • Rogue-Poet
      May 2
      Edit | Reply

      Bows

      Thank you, I'm honored that you can compare it to her works. She was quite the awesome poet.

1 - 9 of 9