Biting my lip
Resentfully waving goodbye
Blinking away hot tears
How much I loved you!
Slowly sailing away
Never to be seen again
Goes the love of my life
I blow an unseen kiss
Turning away from the ache
Wiping my tears away
Glancing at the ring
Nay but a promise
That has crumbled to pieces
Longing for your touch once again
Those comforting blue eyes
That wonderful ringing laugh
I so desperately yearn for
Sliding off the ring
I so cherished for many years
Tossing it into the water
With a woeful splash
Unheard by many
My heart goes along with it.
Author notes
Tell me what you think of the new title.. Thanks to Gemini for the inspiriation for the name.
Written March 8th, 2004
A contest entry
- Contest for new March members ~Come Sail Away~ by Barbara.
300 points, ended April 3, 2004, 49 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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A lovely bitter sweet entry. Oh how it is better to have loved an lost than to have never loved at all (tripe I tell ya! lol)
Good luck and Welcome to AP
Hayley x x -
I like the changes! Thank you for working hard. It'll pay off! CookieZeal
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Very good poem. I read this after you made the corrections. I thought every word was perfect. Especially......
Glancing at the ring
Nay but a promise
That has crumbled to pieces
and this one too......
Sliding off the ring
I so cherished for many years
Tossing it into the water
With a woeful splash
Unheard by many
My heart goes along with it.
I look forward to reading more of your poetry. Ginger
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very nice poem...i also agree with barbaras suggestions...the basis of the poem is well thought out...nicely done!!...hugs..leanne xxx
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Barbara has some excellent suggestions and also I noticed:
"I blow a unseen kiss," a should be an. = an unseen kiss.
The emotions are poignant and very descriptive. I think you have done a great job. Welcome to AP!
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Thanks for the feedback! I hadn't thought of those things, thanks so much for your time critiquing. God Bless you!
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Very touching! I saw a paw print of "Titanic" in this one.
You did a good job with the wording.
Poet invites a critical review
I agree with Barbara on the use of a word that could be very strong...more than once. You may already know, but I try the thesaurus for a synonym when that happens. It'll work..
Thank you for sharing, and entering!!! Warmly, CookieZeal -
It is as said before a flawless and beautiful poem. It really has so much love and yet so much ending to it. Well done and good luck!
Lakota x -
Beautiful entry with imagery that evokes longing and sadness. The use of punctuation in this might give it a bigger punch at the end, especially the last two lines.
Just a few suggestion...
The use of bite(ing) twice in the first stanza takes a bit away from it.
"With a woeful unheard splash by many" might read better as "With a woeful splash unheard by many"
Love this part - "Glancing at the ring
Nothing but a promise
That has crumbled to pieces" ......so touching and sad.
Thank you for entering this
Edited on Mar 10, 4:01 p.m. because 'I can't type'. -
So sad but a beautiful mind picture appeared with this. Watching a love sail away and the poignant tossing of the ring into the water. Lovely. suggestion for title 'Unseen Kiss' perhaps - not sure. Still a marvellous entry to the contest though. thank you and good luck.
~von~
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