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One night near Prypiat

When safety tests were signed but not performed
The foolishness could hardly be denied
When plans were made but rashly cast aside
The citadels of luck were being stormed
        The night shift clearly should have been informed
        Or better still the schedule been delayed
        The culture led to errors being made
        The citadels of luck were being stormed
Disaster struck and more misfortune swarmed
The firemen died to try to save the day
The bravest men are often thrown away
The citadels of luck were being stormed
        When safety tests were signed but not performed
        The citadels of luck were being stormed

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me honestly what you think, good or bad.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • Mairi bheag gold member
    April 27

    Edit | Reply
    I can see what 'boards means here. Your echo sonnets are clever, but I think the subject needs something a little more robust to address it.

    Bunnies for the expertise, nonetheless.


  • Floorboards
    April 26

    Edit | Reply
    Nah, just didn't work for me this one, Jeff, maybe i'm just not a fan of Echo sonnets, I don't know but i've seen much better from you.

    Floorboards.


    • cricketjeff gold member
      April 27
      Edit | Reply
      I agree with you and Mairi as it happens, this didn't say what I wanted but I didn't want to write a long ballad. I hope to revisit the topic and the contest shortly

      • Floorboards
        April 27
        Edit | Reply
        Thanks for taking my comment as well as you did, with hindsight I had a bit of a cheek as I had no suggestions of my own. I just hate all this wow, awesome, rubbish everyone says, regardless of the poem's quality, I think it's best to be honest, anyway good luck with the revision, and the contest.

        Alex.

        • cricketjeff gold member
          April 27
          Edit | Reply
          This one will be staying, but I have a more serious piece half written. I am always grateful for honest opinions


  • Amera gold member
    April 26

    Edit | Reply
    "The citadels of luck were being stormed"
    Fantastic repeating line! I think this is one of the better Echo Sonnets I have read.

    Love,
    Amera♥


  • Sue Cardwell gold member
    April 26

    Edit | Reply
    A very hard hitting piece that has bought the horror of that time back into my mind.
    A terrific echo sonnet with a deadly message.

    All the best

1 - 7 of 7