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Myself

One day---
I saw myself
First heard a voice deep and rasp
My ears took grasp

  Could it be---
Would this voice some day
call me?
Turned around
Saw who made that beautiful sound.

My eye's felt grace---
The voice came from such a lovely face.
The feeling subsided
I went to class un-abided.

This was just the first day
One of many I would have to stay
And obey by the rules of college.

Saw her a second time
now I try to describe what I felt in rhyme.
For - I'm not sure of the feeling
What a crime.

Never believing I would meet this creator
Face to face--
The feeling I felt would probably go to waste
But without haste we met.

And I was allowed to taste---
though's lip's of grace

We were together much
How I longed for her gentle touch
But this was not meant to be--
beyond her tainted boundary

Which I could not see-- but felt it
As if it were an old strong powerful tree
With limbs- that cut though the blue sky of sea.

For She Did Not Even- Like Me
And all you need to do is see
Look at me!

For I hold the remnent's- of pain
How much I saw in her to gain.

Brunette so dark your brown eye's have left there mark
Now I stand stark naked.

Without you
I will not make it.

A contest entry

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 32 of 32
  • poets whisper silver member
    September 12

    Edit | Reply
    sure you can make it alone ... of course we are all better off with the aid of someone but most of us when called upon can make it on our own. Thank you for entering.

  • Poetryintheblood gold member
    August 24

    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful words of longing, thank you and good luck in my contest, Josie


  • Fallen Under Light
    July 23

    Edit | Reply
    ahhhh!
    Brunette so dark your brown eye's have left there mark
    Now I stand stark naked.
    ^^Yes, I know. Following the rules is quite hard.


  • Mango Memories gold member
    July 22

    Edit | Reply
    god how i loved how this poem cried out emotion!

    Well done on writing such a great poem!

    I really really really enjoyed reading this very much so, pumpkin!


  • Ami
    July 21

    Edit | Reply
    Wow great write thank you for entering
    and Good luck

    -♥Amy♥


  • XxNinjaNemoxX
    July 19
    Edit | Reply
    I did enjoy this entry.
    Thanks for entering
    xoxo.

  • Rhiannan
    July 10

    Edit | Reply
    This poem is very well written. You did a nice job of putting your feelings into words. Thank you for entering!

  • love-taylor-love
    July 8
    Edit | Reply
    this is a fantastic work of art


  • cazzy71
    July 2

    Edit | Reply

    Thankyou for your entry

    The standard of this contest is so high,I have added and removed you from finalists list several times.However I feel there are several stronger entries.You so nearly made it,it is amongst my top 8 entries,out of the 50 I received.I really loved this though and will view other poems you have on this site,if they are of the same quality as this.


  • Maggie Kay
    June 24

    Edit | Reply
    great work and i love the last 2 lines
    full of emotion
    keep it up
    kmp


  • ladybug.
    June 22
    Edit | Reply
    It seems I've already commented on this.

    Sorry, gonna have to DQ.


  • Fallen-Muse
    June 18

    Edit | Reply

    ...

    Hey you contest hog... lol j/k. Can you please check out the raules. The part of the poem that I got through was great but there is a line limit here. I would hate to dq u.


  • Lively Matter
    June 10

    Edit | Reply
    I do believe it was somewhat of forced rhyming kimie said, but it is mainly a good piece. It was a very good flowing piece, and you worded it well. I think it was her loss though


  • Hannah Carr
    June 10
    Edit | Reply
    nice write...I know exactly how this feels, only from the female perspective. Thanks for entering


  • x-evil cupid-x
    June 9

    Edit | Reply
    I actually found this one kind of sounded like forced rhyming, which decreased it's wowing abilitie, but if you could swich the words arounds, I think it would be awsome, thanks for entering


    kimie


  • nobodys-girl
    June 7

    Edit | Reply
    i love the passion in this...you did a really great job. thank you so much for entering my contest and best of luck.


  • xochocoholicxo
    June 4

    Edit | Reply
    sry but i really hate it when ppl WrItE LiKe ThIs
    wud have made finalalists
    such a sorrow to dq but keep on writing

  • ladybug.
    May 30
    Edit | Reply
    This is a great poem, but I believe it told more than it showed, which showing is how I'll be crying. Thank you for entering!


  • LaCkOfCoLoUr
    May 17

    Edit | Reply
    oh the last lines just make this poem what it is there is a nice flow and while the rhyming isnt brilliant its witty and pleseant this is a very nice write i espescially just lurvvvvved the last line it practicly made me froth at the mouth HAHA nO not really but hey! Thanx for entering my contest and it look like u entered just about every other contest to lol no not really best of luck in all of them including mine


  • sora.
    May 13

    Edit | Reply
    this lady does sound terribly delicious, i must admit.
    the last two stanzas are great.
    :]

    though it would be good if you could put the promp this relates to in your an?


  • geckogirl silver member
    May 12
    Edit | Reply
    very nice piece


  • KnightOfTheRose gold member
    May 4

    Edit | Reply
    Very nice. wow this one is entered in a lot of contests. I'm sure it'll get some trophies. Best of luck



    -Steve-


  • Sgt. Pepper
    May 4

    Edit | Reply
    Now I stand stark naked.

    Without you
    I will not make it.

    i love this poem, its not over done, every word is needed, simple to the point, thank you very much for entering my contest, good luck!
    alex


  • T.o.r.t.u.r.e. gold member
    May 3

    Edit | Reply
    very nicely done. thank you for entering and food luck in the contest
    "Could it be---
    Would this voice some day
    call me?
    Turned around
    Saw who made that beautiful sound."


  • lillypilly
    May 3
    Edit | Reply
    i do like this very well written..

    • roland halloway
      May 3
      Edit | Reply

      thanks

      i just enter these contest for the reads-- im glad you like this piece-- some don't--but it is true at least for me it was lol thanks again R.H.


  • Jazzlyn
    May 2

    Edit | Reply
    ... very good i liked it... but it's missing something, i think it needs more emotion but good job none the less

    P.S:: Please put you name spaced in the AN


  • FreeFalling911
    May 1
    Edit | Reply
    This is good. Thank you for entering in my contest


  • Sunday Rain
    April 29
    Edit | Reply

    ...

    it's not really erotic...


  • ThisIsMyWonderland
    April 28
    Edit | Reply
    Also, I am taking this poem out of my contest because you did not follow the rules. 30 lines and under.

  • ThisIsMyWonderland
    April 28
    Edit | Reply
    "My ears took grasp" It sounds a bit forced right here. It just doesn't sound right.

    It was just hard to read and understand as a whole. You left out some "i"s where there should have been some and added some where they werent needed.

    I think a lot of people have problem with rhyming. It is hard to do. I think this piece was not a good example of your writing.

    It just moved all over the place and never really told a story, just a bunch of lines put together.

    You put random "-"s in spots not needed and left out a lot of needed punctuation.

    It just didn't make sense at all


  • dutch2lips gold member
    April 25

    Edit | Reply
    I really love this write, I am very much bothered with your spelling errors tho, it kills the write for me, please can you check them out?

1 - 32 of 32