When first you struck my notice
fetal curled, a tight green ball,
so much damage
already done
before life had really even begun,
I pondered you,
beneath a blistering sun,
you seemed to blush
as the heat and day wore on.
Frail, I thought, as they said
"the thrashings won; beauty's undone"
yet you caught me up, as you opened;
I fell blissful, spent the afternoon in love.
I wanted to capture
every tattered bit, I found in you,
resilient.
Mark these moments, permanent.
Together as we basked, my movements
an observation of our time,
and yours; ever more fluid than mine.
Warmed and reddened, both,
I found within you, a picture of myself.
Author notes
Several day's ago I spent most of a day first observing, and then drawing a very tattered tulip (one my children had nearly destroyed before it even bloomed) I watched it open to full bloom and turn colors, from a tight green to a brilliant red, more hardy full of life and beautiful, even, or perhaps because of, its damage.
I may revise, perhaps adding more clarity... we'll see. Critical comments and advice welcome.
A contest entry
- B-WOM -- Best Write of the Month with Starz of Heaven, Aboomer and Islekine by islekine.
1050 points, ended April 28, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Hi there first off I loved the second Stanza had a problems with the last two did not flow well for me and lost me to be honest thanks for your entry into our contest be well.
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Lovely wording and images in this. I go outside daily and check on my flowers...lol....some look damaged, as you say, but still turn out to be beautiful - which I can also relate to people in this write of yours......how some persons are tattered and torn, but when they open up and bloom they are beautiful.
I really like your last verse on this! It gives this write such a wonderful depth.
For critique - for some reason your third and fourth verses don't read as nicely as the others - just my opinion. I would tweak a bit with those, maybe adding a bit more, shifting words around a bit....
But still, all in all, I enjoyed this.
thank you for your entry
best wishes in the contest
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I really would appreciate it
if you could change the background color...I really can not read this!
Thanks! -
Awesome wording. Great write here! Best wishes to you in the contest and thank you so much for sharing this one with us!!!
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Just a really, really, nice poem. I do read all that you write, you know? I'd say it would be finer to string out the
personification that seems present in this poem. Or is it
more of a metaphor? Well, it is more likely you are using both personification (I see that) and metaphor, which I see less of (It's still there to my eye, though.) I'm suggesting to use more personification to beef up the metaphor, and not suggesting you change the poem, but add onto it.
~kley
I have the proclivity for sounding as dumb as a post. lol
I sure hope I've not confused with this comment.
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Thank you for the lovely comment, and for reading. I did not know you read all my poems, I really appreciate it.
I find I have a compulsive need to share them, so it is good to know others are reading.
Yeah, I guess there is metaphor, towards what I find in people who have touched my life as well as my over passionate tendency's about it, and I think I do need to add more, maybe at couple more stanzas in the middle. The personification part... I wanted it to read like it was about a person but leave the reader wondering if it really was, or who that person might be if it was- themselves or another or myself... blah blah... mostly it was just a free write to get over the hurtle of writers block, writing about the most recent thing that struck my interest instead of trying to come up with an interesting or clever subject to write about.
Thanks for reading!
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I love the metaphor you've penned here, and find strength in the image of tattered but determined beauty.
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