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from- A Longing

How I remember her well--

She clears the darkness with a path of light.
And brightens the most hideous night.

There is no compromise-

for this Angel in disguise.

For in her eye's
lie sol-um cries
of love's lost day's
and fretful night's

full of Her Delights!

She is not just a beauty but a Hideous site.
For I recall the longing, how it hurts to write.
As I take the words from my soul and delve deep--
Farther deeper then you know.

Why did she have to let me go?
How I love her so. I long for her still-
as if she were an Addiction
a poisonous Pill.

My she lie deep within my Will.
May her poison rot me slowly-
so that I may wait for the Kill.

Never to rise- or to feel another's Thrill.
For I belong to her--
She owns me----

Still.

A contest entry

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 42 of 42

  • XxNinjaNemoxX
    September 11

    Edit | Reply
    Ah I do remember this. This has been in a few of my contests.
    I do like it
    Thanks for entering and best of luck
    xoxo.


  • alexandra.
    September 1
    Edit | Reply
    prompt in author notes please. i will be judging this in 2 hours.

  • ogre1971
    August 10

    Edit | Reply

    Very good

    I enjoyed this and it was what I was kind of looking for, in regards to this contest. Good luck!


  • XxNinjaNemoxX
    July 26
    Edit | Reply
    I'm sure this was in my last contest
    What prompt did you use?
    Good write, nonetheless
    xoxo.


  • Genz
    July 24
    Edit | Reply
    Very truthful! Written from your heart.

    I really like it.

    It's amazing how you can love someone for so long write?


  • Mango Memories gold member
    July 22

    Edit | Reply
    Very very powerful!

    I like it very much so

    well done on a great write and thankyou for enterting my contest!


  • Ami
    July 21

    Edit | Reply
    Wow This was entered in a lot of contests great job on the gold you have for this so far a Great write I love the last few stanzas
    Thank you for entering and good luck
    -♥Amy♥


  • XxNinjaNemoxX
    July 19
    Edit | Reply
    I do quite like this.
    But I wouldn't call it heartbreaking, as such.
    Still, good write
    xoxo.


  • Livingemptyspaces
    July 16

    Edit | Reply
    I did enjoy this- however, it isn't what I'm looking for- sorry.
    Goodluck in your other contests though.

    -<3 Lilsie.


  • Let.Me.Be.Dreaming
    July 14
    Edit | Reply
    Captivating. And powerful. I see you have entered this in many contests. Good luck in mine.


  • black-phenoqu
    July 14

    Edit | Reply

    you have already entered this in quite a few contests.

    i like the way this was written. just 1 thing, in the 14 line, "farther deeper", should just be far deeper. good job!


  • cazzy71
    July 11

    Edit | Reply

    Another fantastic piece

    This is fantastic,a few words need a spell check,my she lie deep,I feel should read may she lie deep and lie sol-um cries could be altered to solemn cries,but aside from these minor off putting errors,that are easily corrected,this is an amazing,powerful write,which I really am pleased got submitted into my contest.


  • No Quarter
    July 11
    Edit | Reply
    this is the best poem i have ever read on this website. great figures of speech, awesome language. definitely a winner.
    "For in her eye's
    lie sol-um cries
    of love's lost day's
    and fretful night's"
    amazing. thank you very much for entering

    • roland halloway
      July 11

      Edit | Reply

      Thanks so much---

      For the trophy!!!--In regards to your kind comment--Your 15 Wow!--You are the only person to notice those lines ---for I like them too--And may I say that it is a good verry good thing and rare to be so aware and intuitive at your age--Also I love Mott the Hoopel(can't spell sorry) as well--Truly & thanks so much again!--R.H.

      • No Quarter
        July 12

        Edit | Reply
        yeah, common misconception. teenagers have brains too yknow. my pleasure, this poem was so worth the gold trophy


  • forbidden-colour
    July 8

    Edit | Reply
    I loved the metaphors you used for your love for this woman, the poem itself was captivating.
    Thank you for entering.
    Sophie


  • DancingRed
    July 7

    Edit | Reply
    This piece needs to be revised for spelling and grammatical errors which are very off putting. The rhyme doesn't really agree with me either. Interesting, but not really my cup of tea. Thanks for entering anyway.
    DancingRed.


  • WideEyedSuicide
    July 6
    Edit | Reply
    Hmm...I think you misspelled soul, but it's a good poem.


  • AllYoullNeverHave
    July 4

    Edit | Reply
    Wow. Very powerful. I like! Your imagery and word choice is very good. This is very well written. And oh so fitting. Thank you for entering and best of luck.

    ♥AllYoullNeverHave


  • dying inside 4ever
    July 2
    Edit | Reply
    emotional x Good job and good luc


  • Kira65
    July 1
    Edit | Reply
    A great poem. I really like your pauses and use of words!
    Thank you for entering and good luck.


  • nobodys-girl
    June 30

    Edit | Reply
    this is just amazing. absolutly amazing. it really impressed me. thank you so much for entering my contest and best of luck!


  • Miss Macabre
    June 24

    Edit | Reply
    A dark poem that was very interesting to read. I liked the hint of addiction. Thank you for entering and good luck to you.


  • Antebellum
    June 23

    Edit | Reply
    Never to rise- or to feel another's Thrill.
    For I belong to her--
    She owns me----

    Still.


    I love this part.
    good luck in the contests. This deserves to win for sure, an absolute amazing write.

  • Ami
    June 19
    Edit | Reply
    Wow this is really good I'm surprised it doesn't have a trophy yet Love it
    MY favorite part was the end!

    "My she lie deep within my Will.
    May her poison rot me slowly-
    so that I may wait for the Kill.

    Never to rise- or to feel another's Thrill.
    For I belong to her--
    She owns me----

    Still."

    Thank you so much for entering my contest!
    Good luck -♥Amy♥

  • nobodys-girl
    June 7
    Edit | Reply
    This shows so much love and care for a girl...just wanted i needed to read. thank you so much for entering my contest and best of luck.


  • Truetome
    June 7

    Edit | Reply
    an honest write full of self awareness... and emotion. -- Love,


  • xochocoholicxo
    June 4

    Edit | Reply
    i like your pauses and use of words
    good luck thanx for entering

    foreva professional chocoholic
    L+L


  • Bean Sidhe silver member
    May 30

    Edit | Reply
    Before I begin, let me say that I read this aloud to get a feel for the rhyme, primarily because I specifically mentioned that I don't particularly care for rhyme so any entry needs to be exceptional.

    The rhyme itsel felt a little rough to me in certain places and there were a few areas that confined duplication of words - for example, poisonous and poison as well as hideous, which was used twice.

    Also, you used sole, when I think you may have intended "soul".

    Nonetheless, I thank you for your entry & good luck!

    - Bean Sidhe


  • borrowing.moonlight gold member
    May 20
    Edit | Reply
    very interesting
    thanks for entering


  • MaddCuppyCake
    May 17

    Edit | Reply
    this is deep, passionate, unforgetting, and amazing altogether!!! ♥♥♥ this poem blew me outta the water and left me gasping for air... i know exactly how it feels for someone u love to leave u alone, yet still controlling u. it sucks.
    excellent write. best of lck in the contest. & thx for entering


  • Night Terrors
    May 17

    Edit | Reply
    That is a really sad poem. it really was a great poem. I loved it so tragic that people can get like that


  • tombruize
    May 4
    Edit | Reply

    Good write

    I like your use of sol um. Good job here. Good luck


  • Jazzlyn
    May 2
    Edit | Reply
    very good but i agree with XXPanDoraPrinCessXx, angle should be angel
    good write none the less


  • HereComesTheSun
    April 29
    Edit | Reply
    what was your prompt?
    you did a great job with this for the most part you may want to read out loud for some times it was rocky with the flow. other then that great job
    thanks for entering


  • Magik Milk Glass
    April 28
    Edit | Reply
    Well done but on the 5 line is it angle or angel sorry it was bugging me


  • Mr-D
    April 28
    Edit | Reply
    Good direction, just needs a touchup.

  • HereComesTheSun
    April 26

    Edit | Reply
    Positive: i loved the flow of this piece and how well overall it read, it had some great wording in it also
    Negative: i dont know what prompt this is for


  • Denerica
    April 25
    Edit | Reply
    Well written about the well known subject of love. Blessings.


  • Emmabug
    April 24
    Edit | Reply
    This is very good, and I agree there are some spelling errors! I did however thoroughly enjoy it (even though I have read it over 5 times!)

    This is beautiful! My only criticism would be to divide it in stanza's. The straight write is hurting my eyes and I would rather avert them than to read.

    Keep it up! *clap*


  • bonjourbunnie
    April 23

    Edit | Reply
    Hm.

    I like it, especially the first time I read it through. There are some spelling errors, but some of them seem intentional so I don't know whether to point them out or not, lol.

    I love the exploration into love, this woman who is treacherous but wonderful at the same time. You've crafted a good piece with a lot of self analysis as well as an inspection into something that is slightly confusing.

    Good piece, thank you for entering and good luck.

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