The world is filled with sorrows
And while they are diverse and many, they are all
Sorrows which cloud the morrows.
The many people all align in rows,
Standing in shadows and feeling small.
The world is filled with sorrows.
The faithless families' cock always crows
As they express their sorrows of their Fall;
Sorrows which cloud the morrows.
The bless'd boy from strange men always borrows
As they depart, happy and rich, from the mall.
The world is filled with sorrows.
The dirty river from the high mountains flows,
Leading filth through the towns, and after many a sorrow crawls;
Sorrows which cloud the morrows.
The ripple of pain across teh world goes
Causing athiests and all, out of need, to God call.
The world is filled with sorrows,
Sorrows which cloud the morrows.
What did you think
Comments
-
a good form piece, perhaps not using sorrows twice in the first verse? you are using repetition as the form so using it twice in the first verse nudges the poem a little, and also maybe think of balancing the lines out a little, with syllable count, though this form does not require it to be so it does help when it is in a beat rather than long lines and short lines
-
I hope I interpret this correctly. It appears to me that poem is a message about those who have much "As they depart, happy and rich, from the mall" and yet who complain of their sorrows. Either it is the one thing that binds us all since pain causes "athiests and all, out of need, to God call" or it is a reprimand against those who think they suffer more than they actually are...based on the contrast in stanza 4 between line 10,11 and 12. Similarly expressed in stanza 3 where it appears "faithless families" always complain unfailingly like a rooster never fails to crow.
That's my take on it and I hope it wasn't too far from your meaning. I loved stanzas 4 and 5. Just a small typo in the last stanza with "teh". Could I also suggest lengthening the story or lament especially with stanzas 4 and 5. Another take on the sorrow perhaps? Fantastic otherwise.
Adding your comment:
