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You Failed

You Failed to understand how this would tear us apart
You Failed to see how I could possibly catch you
You Failed, I should have seen it from the start
You Failed to realize what I was capable to do.

You Failed to see me sneak up behind you
You Failed to notice I was watching you all along
You Failed to think my words weren't true
You Failed to believe that you were in the wrong

You Failed in keeping her moans soft
You Failed in not removing the lip stick off your cheek
You Failed to keep her out of our loft
You Failed in finding the words to speak

You Failed when I caught you and her together
You Failed to give a better excuse
You Failed at love altogether
You Failed to formally introduce

You Failed to stop me when I grabbed her head
You Failed to restrain me when I bloodied her nose
You Failed to stop how much she bled
You Failed to attend to her sollom woes

But you succeeded in ending us
And you succeeded at not getting her head through glass
You succeeded in me leaving you in distrust
And you succeeded at being a complete ASS!

Author notes

Forever and Always

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • sgking123 gold member
    November 16

    Edit | Reply

    wow

    yu describea messsed up and tangled triangle so very well here I loved refraining Failed....its ephatic and so good to read ou brand the fella with all he did..lol


  • liquidmindforever
    April 24
    Edit | Reply
    Hello Poet,

    Here are a few comments on YOU FAILED.

    You Failed to realize what I was capable to do.
    This line feels awkward to me. Think about
    "You fail to realize of what I am capable..."

    Also, the capital "F" on all your failed's seems over-
    done? We know by the repetition of "You failed"
    that you are making a strong point?

    You Failed to think my words weren't true--after
    this, I feel you need to show us something, instead of only telling-do you understand? e.g. what did he fail to "introduce?" it's not clear.

    You Failed to believe that you were in the wrong
    Would it not be sufficient to say "You failed to
    see/believe that you are wrong? or "You fail to see that you are wrong"

    Also, if you keep your writing in the present instead of the past tense it carries more strength.
    Example: "You fail to see that you are wrong"
    "You fail to realize of what I am capable"

    THoughts for you to ponder.

    You Failed to give a better excuse Think about
    this: "You fail to excuse your behavior"
    You Failed at love altogether
    You Failed to formally introduce what are you
    implying here? You need to let the reader in.

    You Failed to attend to her sollom woes Spelling
    on "sollom" check it out

    But you succeeded in ending us
    I ask you to consider this : "You did succeed in ending us"
    You did succed in saving her head from going through glass
    And you succeeded at not getting her head through glass
    You succeeded in me leaving you in distrust
    "You did succeed in my leaving you in distrust
    "And you did succeed in being a complete ass!"
    And you succeeded at being a complete ASS!

    These are suggestions to strengthen your work.
    If they work for you feel free to use them, if not
    leave your poem as it is.

    Again thank you for entering my contest
    SWEET REVENGE>

    Blessings,
    Liquid






  • liquidmindforever
    April 23

    Edit | Reply

    RULES, RULES, RULES

    DEAR POET,

    THANK YOU FOR ENTERING MY CONTEST SWEET
    REVENGE WITH YOUR SUBMISSION "YOU FAILED"

    PLEASE RETURN TO THE RULES. THERE PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF THE AUTHOR'S NOTES. YOU ARE REQUIRED TO PLACE SOMETHING INTO AN'S.

    THEN, WHEN YOU HAVE COMPLIED, PLEASE NOTIFY ME AND I WILL BE HAPPY TO ENTER YOUR POEM
    \INTO MY CONTEST AND TO READ AND COMMENT.

    UNTIL THEN, IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS
    FEEL FREE TO ASK

    BEST OF LUCK IN THE CONTEST

    REGARDS,
    LIQUID