as bones under rotted sky,
time came to pieces too quickly for me;
decomposing -- a maggot colony in each eye.
I am unable to see
beyond apathy
and the gradual sinking-in
of things only supposedly noteworthy
as nostalgia yellows within.
a school of bacteria, gone awry
to squirm in blood cells relentlessly
and blatantly lie
without reason; a malady
unbearable, inescapably
torturous. to endure another's sin
is a pasttime which I don't fancy
as nostalgia yellows within.
you can call me sensitive as I snub goodbye
and the raw way you betrayed me.
my ventricles shifted to standby,
anticipating improvement, trying optimistically
to convince others of the same, but we
all blur-skidded into stiff function and
nothing else can breathe
as nostalgia yellows within.
now I have hollow places, lovely
crypts tattooed over my skin.
this was never meant to leave me lonely
as nostalgia yellows within.
Author notes
prompt: deserted
poetry form: ballade
site used: http://www.ehow.com/how_2324643_write-ballade-poem.html
info: A ballade poem is one with a set form. It is a French form poem, not to be confused with the “ballad” form, consisting of twenty-eight lines of no set length. The ballade is divided into three octaves (eight-line stanzas) and a quatrain (four-line stanza), for a total of four stanzas. There are only three rhymes in a ballade poem, and each stanza has a set rhyme scheme. The rhyme scheme for each of the eight-line stanzas is a b a b b c b c. The rhyme scheme for the quatrain is b c b c. The last line of each stanza consists of a refrain, or a repeated line. The rhyme and repetition in the ballade makes this form popular with audiences. This form allows the listener to understand the poem more clearly at first hearing or first reading.
A contest entry
- AllThatRemains's anniversary rounds contest (Round 1) by AllThatRemains.
470 points, ended May 28, 24 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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Poem of depth and beautifully written.
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i loved the form and the way it was done...congrats on the gold because the imagery was amazing...
good luck -
Cute ears.
Good poem. You need to work on emotions when you speak. Try memorizing the poem next time. It should let you be more expressive with your face.
I think I will make a few poem vids. I have been wanting to perform my stuff.
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Quite a brilliant piece of poetry you’ve done here. I find the metaphor delightfully done. It’s edgy and knows where to seep into the psyche and when to throw salt on the wounds. There are some lines in this piece that I must say are extremely refreshing in creativity; especially for your age (and I do mean that with respect and most sincerely). I wouldn’t really alter this piece at all and the video presentation was pretty well done too. I would have liked to see a bit more eye contact but overall it is well done.
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this left me speechless.
this was a dramatic poem and i really liked how different and raw it was, yet still poetic. that's real talent. i also really liked the imagery. it was beautifully, even though it reminded me of the word macabre. (:
great job!
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how do you do it? you are too wonderful. and congrats on the gold. you deserve it genius. love this way too much- different from your normal style, but fresher and still just as good. just awesome. keep it up (:
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Exilent!
This is a great poem! The imagery was outstanding, just a well written piece! Thanks for sharing.
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complete honest opinion:
you are great. i enjoyed this. your vocabulary is awesome...and i thought attaching the youtube video and making it even more personal was an excellent addition to the emotion of this piece. very well done.
ps: you have pretty eyes.
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Peer Pressure :)
Phenomenally written; absolutely beautiful
Thankyou for sharing, and best of luck in the contest!
Maria
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You already know what I think of this, silly girl.
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Excellent.
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this is sooooo good.
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woww. not only are you amazing at freeverse you do a pretty amazing job with form as well!
I love the end. the imagery is stunning. this is amaaaazing.
goodluck <33
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no more than scuffed floors and bitten tongues.
Originality 10/10
Creativity/Poetic device 10/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 8/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 10/10
Cohesion 10/10
Emotion/personality/edge 8/10
Impact/Reaction 9/10
mechanics: 5/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 5/5
syntax: 5/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 5/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total: 95
I didn't take off points for being late this time. I liked the
creative, original take you took with this and the great use of
metaphor. I did find the inconsistencies in meter and line length to
be distracting and felt that it interfered with the rhyme scheme and
overall form.
Overall though, you're poetics made up for the rest.
s ~Genie~
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95
Originality 9/10
Creativity/Poetic device 10/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 9/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 10/10
Cohesion 10/10
Emotion/personality/edge 9/10
Impact/Reaction 9/10
mechanics: 5/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 5/5
syntax: 5/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 4/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total: 95
Your imagery was awesome and I loved the use of maggots, bacteria, and ventricles. It adds another dimension to the poem. You worked pretty well within the confines of the poem; the enjambments felt slightly unnatural but overall I felt the flow was good.
I'm not going to take off any points for being late because this in no way hindered my judging.
-cassidy -
fuck. i give up. you pwn.
this is amazing, poppet. the first stanza reminds me of thomas nashe's "litany in a time of plague," except without every cliche in early modern poetry, haha.
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99 - X Factor
Originality 10/10
Creativity/Poetic device 10/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 9/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 10/10
Cohesion 10/10
Emotion/personality/edge 10/10
Impact/Reaction 10/10
mechanics: 5/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 5/5
syntax: 5/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 5/5
Late penalty: -5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 5/5
Total: 99 - X Factor
I felt this -- deeply. I love it.
I wish I could leave my comment at that, but I am going to make a note in regards to being tardy. You had a legit explanation, so I only penalized 5 points...not 10 points. Please keep in mind that it is important to be on time.
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101 - X Factor
Originality 10/10
Creativity/Poetic device 10/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 8/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 9/10
Cohesion 10/10
Emotion/personality/edge 10/10
Impact/Reaction 9/10
mechanics: 5/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 5/5
syntax: 5/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 5/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 5/5
Total: 101 X Factor
You did bloody well here...some of the rhythm is off somewhat, but it doesnt take away from the overall impact of the piece. I love that title too.
Laura
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It has now been around seven minutes since I read this and I still haven't stopped feeling shallow, hollow, and unbalanced. There's a vague sort of sticky swimming feeling somewhere in my stomach, too.
I told you I love your poetry so much because it makes me feel. And this one made me feel more than anything else I've read. Out of anyone. -
Arr. It won't let me give you extra clappies. >.<
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Because your poem has now left me speechless, breathless and thoughtless, I am copying what I said to you in IM:
Oh. My. Gosh.
It's one of the most beautiful things... No, scratch that. That is THE most beautiful thing I've ever seen come out of you.
It's wrenching and it's real and it's brutal and I... don't even know how to describe it. It is the embodiment of bitterness and regrets and decay. And if that does not get X Factor extra-pointage out of each one of them, there is no justice in the world.
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