That day you bore an emptiness
in the sway and expression of your walk
my Yoruba woman,
that left no prints or memories except the haunts of my dreams.
Your eyes are fired to trap me;
in them I seek a taste of the malt-caramel.
From the earth you were stripped
and forever she chafed in longing your return,
but I am the unfilled water pot you drag,
we are born from the same clay.
Under your nails, caked on your ankles
In the reeds flattened under your foot
I live;
in every breath I fill you like sand
wishing to wet myself on your lips…tongue,
and finally you spilt out into me
the love that makes my sighs as deep as the sea.
In a list
A contest entry
- you are my dark familiar clay by Nicolette.
6000 points, ended May 11, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Yoruba….delighted to see a touch of West Africa here, Jim. - and how well you carried that theme from beginning to end. Continuity and/or consistency of theme is one of the things that I look for in a poem and you showed me just that!
Not only did you impress with your ability to stay with the theme, but also with the way in which you’ve made the contest prompt your own. I was hoping to find narrative poetry in this contest – that personal voice – and you’ve given me what I wished to see – well done. So many wonderful lines in this poem: this one is one of my favourite lines “In the reeds flattened under your foot I live”. I just love the use of the word “reeds” in poetry
This poem has a definite Neruda-feel about it and with a few slight changes here and there it would be even more Neruda-like, e.g.
“That day you bore an emptiness
in the sway and expression of your walk,
leaving no prints or memories except the haunts of my dreams.”
I would delete “my Joruba woman” in the first stanza – it reads better without it. I also suggest these changes to the following lines:
“wishing to wet myself on your lips and tongue
till finally you spilt out into me
the love that makes my sighs as deep as the sea.”
Other than those suggestions (in my humble opinion) I’ve found this poem to be very Neruda-like. I really liked this one, Jim – gorgeous poetry. Thank you for this entry.
~ Nicolette
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forgot the clappies
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Hoodwinked
You have a unique style to your poetry. You have been hoodwinked because someone cares about you. Best of luck in your future writing endeavors. -
A real Wow!
hmm-now this is pretty neat I would say-I have enjoyed the way you have played and unfolded the words to form a bonita piece-Thank you-this is one of those writes that would stay
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Thank you, I am glad you found it beautiful.
Jim
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Great Write!!
Sheer subtle softness caresses the eyes as one reads this wonderful work; with each and every image you glean something new, something to savour. Your cadence sublime I simple adore this work you have captured the very essence of Neruda how delicate how delightful my heartfelt thank you for gifting of us this moment. Somehow I just don’t think you need the good luck…big smile...great write!
Lady E
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Lady E
Thank you, I will gladly take some luck (or any extra talent you may have laying around) I can use it.LOL.
Jim
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Wow...
another gem from the muse that is you!
This poem flows like water, and is simply beautiful to read again and again and to savour ~ just like malt-caramel!
Wonderful poetry, my friend. An absolute pleasure to read.
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Lou
your words are always appreciated. You of great brevity. In you I see standards that I try and keep myself. LOL.
Jim
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a good poem, nice imagery, dark and earthen with smiles of love, malt-caramel - a tasty sweet soft stickiness.
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Thank you, you have hit it on the button.
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Simply beautiful, Jim. Intriguing, mysterious, tender words, wrapped within your wild warmth for this woman. Nic's gonna love this one, methinks. Well done, Scribe. Good luck in the contest, my Friend. It's always worthwhile, visiting your pages. 
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Wanda
thank you for the wonderful comment and support. Nic does inspire so many of us.
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