Shattered hues entwined with twisted dreams;
Such horrors dwell within this child's mind.
With fettered dread transecting muted screams
imprisoned by the night; a sullen bind.
What evil fiendish forms lay bared within
this tiny charge once full of spark and cheer?
Was blessed with health, but now so pale and thin,
ablated by a grasp of silent fear.
Which future holds my precious little girl?
Will time release the grip that holds her fast?
So trapped within, a life set to unfurl;
A day must come when she's released at last.
Sweet Kate I yearn for you; once fresh and pure
and scorn the blight that's drawn to your allure.
Author notes
This is revision 2
It was my intention to write about a child with that was having bad dreams, but as my mood descended, the poem became more sinister...
Now, I fear that I may have bitten off more than I can chew..
In a list
- A Critical Circle group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Rhyme Lovers Only by sorries.
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Be Totally honest, I have thick skin :D
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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I got chills
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For me, the sonnet form lends itself wonderfully to love (and all of its extremities) and to more general romantic notions and wistful escape. It comes as something of a shock to see this wonderful form wrapped around a work so darkly disturbing as this. Your sonnet is eloquently expressed but on reading, I found its dark subject matter a little too heavy for the form; that said, this surreal juxtaposition certainly does deliver a work of disturbing impact.
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This is chilling and so well done, a nightmare indeed, the kind it is hard to wake up from.
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dark sonnet of a child's demise
Tale of darkness , a fear that took her sparkle ..
and a hope for this darkness to fade away...retuning the
child that once was ..Line 2 seems to have 9 syllables
..the retourne on line 9 is perfect for the tale ..
flows well ...
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I read the original version, and it keeps getting better! I really like this one. Do you plan to revise anymore? I don't think it needs it. The flow is right on the money.
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Thanks Allexis. I'm not sure if i'm going to revise it any more. I have read it too many times now so I need to leave it for a while and come back to it later.
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WOW that twisted a way I didn't expect at all! This was a really great poem I loved it.
The Positives:
Wonderfully written and great imagery
The Negatives:
Nothing that I can see
My Favorite Part:
What forms of fright lay bared within
this charge once full of life and cheer?
Once healthy, now so pale and thin.
Ablated by a grasp of silent fear
Hey this part was just plain great
Overall:
I give this an 7/10 you did great. I hope to see you in my future contests thanks so much for entering.
~*~Apathetic Poison~*~
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the twist towards the end ... subtle and has depth.
thanks.
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Very well written, a pleasure to read, I liked the twist
Thankyou for your entry
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we go where the muse takes us for whatever reason. With the right syllable count and prevailing winds blowing just right this would have been a fine sonnet. I need your name in the author notes please. Thank you for entering
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Thank you for your comments Sorries.
With respect to Syllablisation, are you refering to a requirement for Iambic Pentameter throughout the poem?
I have read a lot of sonnets, and it seems to me that this might be an option rather than a requirement..
My only intention was to make the final couplet comply for effect.
I'm very new to this type of thing so please excuse my lack of knowledge..
Thanks again
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Oh yes, this seems to have become quite sinister, but in an interesting way. I think it adds to the poem. A nightmare turned real, or reality turned into constant nightmares? Either way, I enjoyed reading this. The rhyme is catchy but not in a cheesy cliche way. It actually does help the folow of the piece and it makes it easier to read. Well penned!
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Thank You for your comment RechercheCadaver . I'm glad you liked it..
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This is a good poem, it flows very nicely. One possible criticism is that the child is not referred to by name in the poem. For me, this dehumanises the child, and makes the tragedy a little less dramatic, and diminishes its impact. But the language and imagery is good in this
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Yes, I see what you mean..
I was also considering directly addressing the child in the final couplet. Maybe the two combined will add to the impact..
Thnaks for your comment
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Your poem was very well written and a pleasure to read. You have captured the fear of a child. I used to be that child afraid of everything that moved in the night! (I can also see the underlying meaning of the poem as well) Great job
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Thanks Allexis.
I really appreciate your comment.
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I thought this poem was excellent and I will most definetly be adding it to my favorites. I am really pleased I happened upon it today- such great use of words and imagery! My favorite line "The shattered hues of twisted dreams;"- just excellent. The only revision I would consider is the overrepetition of some words.
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ahh yes, you are correct.
I am guilty of reading this poem too many times. I will see what I can do about the repetition.
Thanks for your comment
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Poet
Nightmares, when young, are not uncommon. But it seems youn have captured a true horror. Perhaps a future troubled sleeper in the making. Well done.
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Thanks Bob, Much appreciated
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This was dark indeed and touched too closely on something we are going through at the moment. Therefore, it resonates.
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Thank you Chills, and I wish you [and yours] well..
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Chills plonks a kiss on your handsome beak!! x
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