watchful eyes staring intently
wondering why it is
I sit alone
sipping a glass of wine
I ignore all around me
I know they stare
their thoughts echo
booming as the thunder
as sharp as steel
cold and heartless
pity that is unwanted
finding closer in my loneliness
I sip on this red
partial apple, pear and plum
and a hint of hickory
something else I can't quite grasp
slowly I smoke this cigarette
finishing this brute taste
I flick what remains of it
as if it were. . .
my life going out
I pay my tab
s l o w l y
I stroll alone
in the dead of night
Author notes
Yea, this sums up my mood quite accurately... Argh....
Always looking for someone to help critique my work, I know I need improvement.
Comments
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Good piece
Just little stuff..
"I sip on this red... Is 4 lines instead of 3, maybe take out "and".., put a comma after plum and put hickory there...
Title: hmmm, really not echoing thoughts..maybe Watching Eyes Dead as Night?
Other than that, great verbage and images.
But, it is your piece, so do what you will
Just keep writing
IM
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I loved this. The imagery and the literary devices are fantastic. Very well done. I really enjoy writes that make me think and you definitely achieved that.
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Thank you so very much for the wonderful comment, I'm glad you enjoyed this piece...I actually wrote it right after I got home from experiencing this... rather interesting but turned out to be a decent write.
Aaron
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awesome man
i can fell your lonelyness and the depth of the poem great write or try a robert mondavi merlot very nice
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thank you for the suggestion and the comment I will have to try the Robert Mondavi Merlot!
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It's these moments that sometimes we find more clarity to write how we feel. It's the lowest moments that poets can sum up succinctly and you have done this well, I hope the mood lifts, if you need some advice try a crisp Sav Blanc
C
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I will most definitely have to try that! I'm not a huge red wine drinking and in fact I was actually looking at the Riesling's...not the red's but the bartender gave me two different kinds of reds and I said screw it, guess I'll try a red tonight. I actually enjoyed it hahaha...who would have thought?
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I can really relate to this, and it's an excellent write!
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I'm very blessed that you enjoyed this write and that you can relate to it. I hope all is well, thank you for your comment!!!
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aw this is deep and full of depth and feeling throughout thank you for sharing
maralisa
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I have felt this way many times. You have captured the essence of shear disgustion with onself. I love the emotion in this piece.
I'm here for you at any time....
becca
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Ah this is such a piece I can relate to. So many times we go through periods of loneliness. Tomorrow is another day and you never know what's around the corner
Thank you for sharing here
Gaylene
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Such vivid, sad imagery in this piece Keep your chin up, brighter days shall rise. I wish you all the best.
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Thank you for pointing out the other typo hon, I greatly appreciate that...it's been a long day no doubt about that. Thank you for reading my poetry as well...means a lot that you wanted to read this.
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argh, indeed... cheer up!
sometimes it is the loneliness that makes us appreciate when someone comes into our life... that makes us take notice, that makes us not take forgranted once they do.
sip the wine, smoke your marlboro, but dont think for a second that your life is slowly going out. no matter how bad of a day, a week, year... or how horrible of a past or present you have, there is the hope that lies deep in you and even though someone else can help pull you out of it... i know you can too.
im here if you'd like to talk.
and only critique i have is the repetition of cigarette. maybe something like
slowly I smoke this cigarette
finishing this brute taste
I flick what remains of it
other than that, the way you write this gives a feeling of indifference, almost like you have given up... oh ya.. other suggestion.. DONT give up!
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Thank you for you comment hon, it's just been a long day, and not knowing a lot of people out here to go and do things with sometimes gets me down... turned into a great piece though I think. I changed that stanza, that you made the suggestion on, it flows more smoothly now...and I changed the last stanza, I didn't like the way it sounded... so I changed it up.
as for my day it's been a rather productive day, I had two stops one of which was a felony stop...Check Fraud/Forgery, and attempted theft...quite the catch...wanted to go out tonight but everyone that I work with didn't get off until late...and people at school...don't really have many friends from there.
but I agree with your comment. Being alone makes one feel more appreciative of the person that comes in to their life. I know I will be. Thanks again I hope we can talk soon. -
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the few changes made a difference... this seems to read alot smoother to me now. and i like the ending. it almost makes me feel numb, and wonder what the next steps taken will be... well done
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I just re-read the poem..."S L O W L Y" doesn't fit in that last stanza at all I think it would work a lot better without it. I have it 2 stanza's before it, slowly I smoke this cigarette... I think I'm going to take it out wanted your opinion?
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