I squint as the salt burns my eyes
The rain stings like wasps on my face
The walls surround me, swell and rise
A cold wet helm and in my place
Keeping my dreams and hopes alee
With a smile now like never before
Concerned with only what will be
Let my worries wash up on a vacant shore
- For People Who Love to RHYME group list • next in list
Questions/comments please?
Comments
1 - 37 of 37
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Oh my gosh. Your second poem? I'd give you a lecture on poetry but I think i've already done that on your first poem so i'll keep my mouth shut this time.
Poetry and rain get on like nothing else, not even a house on fire can beat this combination. I just love the first stanza
'I squint as the salt burns my eyes
The rain stings like wasps on my face
The walls surround me, swell and rise
A cold wet helm and in my place'
It just goes so well...the simile is perfectly done and the whole thing is just amazing. I'm proberly over reacting but I think you should find some contests to enter this in because to me it holds such a brillaint chance of winning!
Best of luck and well done
Dryad Enya
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i wish it was longer, (in a good way) i realy enjoyed this poem
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a lovely captivating write, full of imagery
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I do love the visual.
This brings me back to my many months at sea while I was in the U.S. Navy. In the North Atlantic, it is very much like what you described here, especially on those many cold nights on lookout. The seas there were incredibly rough. Thank you for commenting on my poem, Seaborne Serenity, and suggesting I read this one. I won't get my internet back for another week or so. When I do, I'll be back to comment on more of your work. My time today on this library computer is just about up.
Don
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Superb Plus +
Ah, I really like the way you have expressed yourself in this write. The pathos of this truly appeals to me.
Thanks for sharing this one with us. -
This is an encouraging write...it gives the imagery of the sea as a haven...let tit take you where ever it will. Very nice that themeatically you maintained the integrity of that in both stanzas. Reading through the comments to date, I can add nothign that might be a benefit. Nice write. Geo
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Jay,
I like the "a cold wet helm and in my place" it works
better.
I would invite you to play a bit more in stanza2
par example:
"Steady as she goes; my dreams and hopes alee"
No cloud to hinder or dampen...starboard spirit;
Orion's belt and Casiope trail light for me to see
As waves sing lullabyes my thoughts clear, to hear it."
You can use "dolphins"
Stars, Metaphor, use clustering as a tool to come up with free thought images.
Play with image and your love of the sea to strengthen
the final verse
Keep the ink flowing
Stay
liquid..
I'm not saying this is what you should use but try
to be more visionary in this final stanza
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Although I value your opinion here, it is important to me that this creates a visualization of a stormy type picture. And despite the storm and chaos surrounding, its ok cause Im on my boat (that doesnt even exist-yet lol).
Thank you as always for the feedback.
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peacefulwrite= )
ohgosh i have been so like down lately. and the last phrase just gave me faith, i liked this poem alot.
i look forward to reading more of your poems. -
ichigosama
that was one mind nature calming poem! this poem makes me feel at peace. sounds like you had a rough time before and now you came out alright. great job and poetry!!!
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I found the first stanza captivating and rich with imagery, but the second stanza didn't measure up the same. I do however like the last line alot and think maybe it should have started the second stanza. Just my thoughts. Thanks for sharing Jay - hope to read more of your writes.
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wow i like the way this was written good job
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I like the resolve in this one, you have translated that despite all obstacles you have created a happy place within. Good meter through most of the poem. I'd consider shortening the last line just a touch as I feel it throws the poem's musicality off with too many beats.
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Thank you for the feedback. I have dropped a syllable from the last line by changing 'deserted' to 'vacant'. Hopefully this will create more flow.
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"Sweet Lines" on Serenity
I squint as the salt burns my eyes
The rain stings like wasps on my face
The walls surround me, swell and rise
A cold wet helm and in my place
Nice dreamscape. L.2 zings me like beebees
L.4 starts off sensually. I'd invite you to
think about something a tad stronger to cap
off the line.
e.g. might be something like estiny's grace
or "my rightful place" or "A cold wet helm; my time
and place." or "my dreamed of place"
What do you think?
This poem has such potential I invite you to go further into yourself to find its true deep blue.
Lovely.
stay
forever
liquid
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I am so jealous. I could never write like this in a million years. I can't even tell you how much I enjoyed this. I'm speechless. Wonderful wonderful job.
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Gnar.
I was researching the word serenity not to long ago, and saying it to myself to conjure control and harmony. i like this a lot. you did a very good job on symbolism and creativity. i enjoyed "a cold wet helm" gave me an awesome image, as did this whole work in so few words. you did serenity good. -
Welcome to our allpoetry community and all the very best with your creativity. With the exception of the odd "wildcard" like the person who has been incredibly, inexplicably and inexcusably rude to you, we are mostly a friendly bunch, there are all types of contests and classes here, forums, individuals that offer constructive and emotional comments.
I do not write rhyme well myself, but there are worse crimes than compromized rhyme and so every now and then I attempt it, as long as you write from the heart and or the head and it fuels and fires your creativity then spill ink into indigo coloured poems dear poet.
I am not familiar with the word , herein, alee, it seemed to me that perhaps the word "alive" may work aswell, however that is just a friendly shared perspective and nothing more than that, On Serenity leaves the reader wishing that troubles could wash away upon distant shores but deserted shores, for I shouldn't like my troubles to be more weight for someone else's shoulders .
All the very best
Yvette
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Thank you for the kind words. For your information, 'alee' or 'leeward' refers to the direction the wind is travelling or 'with the wind'. Its a nautical term.
Thanks also for the great feedback. -
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Jay81...
You are very welcome and thankyou very much indeed for taking the time to tell me what " Alee" means, as words are our building bricks the more we have of them means we may be able to shape and design different buildings over time, many moons ago one of the housemothers in the children's home instilled in me that to learn a new word a day was a well balanced way, she showed us to open a dictionary at random and to learn like that and I recall being amazed when she said no one could possibly know every word but she was right, bless her, with the wind, I shall try to remember that
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An outstanding write! I enjoyed this alot, Awesome imagery as well. Keep penning!
Linda
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i am totally amazed, indeed i am in shock that i can not speak but i can mumble with my fingers, this fine-lined piece of poetry is truly inspiring! it is a diamond of a poem (a true gem that sparkles love and light) that reaches out with beautiful hands of verse, to the reader (in this case being me! hello!) in many wondrous ways. thank you kindly for sharing this, because it deserves all the praise it can get, because it is a little wonder, and attention! i thank you with all of my heart, and my legs and my fingers and even my liver and kidneys. beautiful writing!
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Nice.
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Very nice read indeed and why not project those worries unto to someone else let them deal with it when you have so many new poems to write.
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Excellent
'tis a very fine write, indeed. Imagery; rhythm and rhyme are just fine. Thanks for sharing this one with us. -
welcome to allpoetry
I agree with all the wow's and ohs that came before me.
Very nice visuals and emotion in these lines. You obviously have a natural talent, thank you for sharing it here with us all.
Good luck in your contests.
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nice..
for someone not having done this before this is a very good piece! you must be a very quick learner sir!
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Amazing
I absolutely love it!!!
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wow
Wow you are great to be brand new.......i love the keeping my dreams and hopes alee well it is all good.
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oh, this is lovely. "rain stings like wasps on my face..." i like that very much.
i will be reading more, and welcome to AP.
love, lane
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You left a wonderful comment on one of my poems so I just had to visit your house. I'm glad I did! This is lovely! You have woven a wonderful tale of the sea in rhyming verse. Well done!
Love,
Amera♥
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Very nice I like your imagery in the first stanza.
Welcome to AP
Love,
Stacy
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Thanks for the comments everyone
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Welcome to All Poetry~
A beautiful piece that talks in whispers and thunderous storm. I see talent here...
Well written in rhythm and rhyme overall.(Last line could use a more counted meter)
Love the last line!
Thank you for sharing. Warmly, CookieZeal
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oh and this really really serene..this is really lovely and very gentle.
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Thank you miss
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yip, taken to the waters in a cold wet and windy day, blowing in your face, you got the harbour lights in line and head home, after another trip that has safely brought you on the return home. Nice, cleverly imaged too. Well done.
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