From sand, I escaped captivity
and saw light for the first time.
Seashells and rubbish were
like freckles of the world;
lousy first impression of Mother's face,
scarred by tire tracks
that brought me back to the past
when smoke curled from fingertips
as puffs of perfection and pollution
watered eyes to filter falsities
between coughs and vomits -
I am fragile.
We are fragile.
And no longer is my soul blind
to the stench of exhaled lies;
erosion has left wrinkled skin
sun-dried.
Beyond empty lighters
and soggy cigars,
the hiss of crashing waves
against rocks may block ships,
but I slip by,
leaving superficial societies
with exhaust and scattered
condoms.
Mobile factories on wheels
have rode across beaches
for mass productions
of misunderstandings -
brothers have been
squashed by the caste,
untouchables
whose legacy has left me aware
of reality roaring with engines
and swerved trails of reckless drivers,
so in the presence of monster trucks
I hide;
my heart is untouchable
no matter how hard anyone tries to break
its shell.
Author notes
I want intense criticism.
Trash it.
I screwed up last round with "Flat Tire". I gotta get it right this time.
Thanks.
:]
Requirements & mental notes...
20-50 lines. (40ish lines)
At least one line that is ten syllables ("lousy first impression of Mother's face" and "leaving superficial societies")
At least one line that is two syllables ("condoms" and/or "its shell")
At least one simile ("like freckles of the world"
At least one alliteration ("time's tides" - there's a lot more though.)
At least one onomatopoeia ("The hiss of crashing waves")
At least one internal rhyme (Stanza two: tracks/back/past)
At least one phrase of personification ("I hide; my heart is untouchable / no matter how hard anyone tries to break its shell" along with the entire poem being a personified metaphor of me being the turtle.)
And the poem is written from the perspective of a turtle, the main metaphor.
The imagery here was inspired by what the sea turtles' habitats have become. Humans have changed it -- such as by allowing cars to be drove on the beach.
Mother = Mother Nature...
A contest entry
- Unplanned - Round Four by Never Fall in Love.
400 points, ended May 24, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
You dig?
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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Turtles are my favourite animal, so I was really excited when we added it to the list of metaphors. I'm glad you chose this one, Ty...I think you've touched on quite a few topics here...from the environment, to the beauty of the world and then to your own emotions...you took us on the turtle's journey. Great job! Loved L5, especially!
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Title 4/4
Clarity 2/3
Poetic voice/tone 2/3
Impact 3/4
Creativeness 5/5
Personal Reaction 4/5
Imagery 9/10
Emotion 10/10
Overall Balance 9/10
Use of given metaphor 18/20
Rules (25/26)
- line limit [20-50] 3/3
- ten syllable line 3/3
- two syllable line 3/3
- simile 2/3
- internal rhyme 3/3
- alliteration 3/3
- onomatopoeia 3/3
- personification 3/3
- other [no vignettes] 2/2
Total: 91/100
Yes, I do feel this is better. My only qualms are reflected in the score.
At the beginning, I was pretty unsure of what was going on - it was only until I saw the notes that I realised you were talking about turtles really - so you lost a point on the clarity section.
Also, towards the end it got me confused a bit because you were talking about pollution and all and went straight into the heart being untouchable - which felt different from the rest of the poem.
Your simile "like freckles of the world;" is there but I don't really like it. It really felt like you forced that bit out so that it could fit in. "world" in particular sounds vague. The Mother's face - I like.
Overall, it's really well done. This was indeed a hard round, but that didn't put you down. Especially with that kick-ass title.
Chandni -
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The simile went with the face image though?
Oh well. lol
as for "world" - I was going for the "face of the earth" concept.
I thought I worked it out, but I guess not!
Honestly, I wasn't proud of this poem.
Anyway, thank you. -
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the 'face of the earth' works nicely. The phrase was just a bit too dramatic. Like ... you could say it out loud and see for yourself..
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I don't know what you mean...which phrase?
<3 -
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same one ... freckles of the world
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Oh, true.
I don't see how it's dramatic. lol
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Beyond empty lighters
and soggy cigars,
the hiss of crashing waves
against rocks may block ships,
but I slip by,
leaving superficial societies
with exhaust and scattered
condoms.
Love this part..it shows how trashed and carless we've come to be.
Exclent
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I liked the overall theme of this poem with its many references to pollution and man-made destruction. There is one little grammar glitch that might not bother the judges, but I thought I would mention it. In Line 27 it is correct to say either "rode" or "have ridden" just as in your notes it should say "be driven." Good luck in this contest. Peace, Liz
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I think that "leaving superficial societies" did a pretty good job of bringing the caste concept about succinctly a tleast to me. So, yes; it still flows well, no portion seemed abrupt or otherwise rushed into play.
s ~Genie~
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Thanks
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I dig
except that until I read the authors notes I didn't know whose perspective I was supposed to be seeing the imagery from. Of course, I might have missed that because I don't know much about sea turtles except that I think they are an endangered species and that they (if not for human beings) can live for a really long time.
Other than that I couldn't find anything to critique.
s ~Genie~
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Hey, I edited it. I took out extraneous parts to make it more concise. Does it still flow?
And is the caste concept introduced too abruptly or did you think it flowed well? -
Thanks
I guess I should remove the notes then.
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I like this alot. The edits were well placed, and I have no criticism. I agree with Cassidy about the complex images, but it definitely worked to your advantage.
I have no favourite part, which honestly amazes me cuz usually I have at least one favourite This was just that well-written I guess, everything ended up equally well.
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By the way I disagree completely with the comment below about primitive vocabulary; if anything, I thought your images were a little too complex in spots... hahaha it just made it a slower read though. I understand that's your style by now
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lol Thanks & I felt the same way.
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Scattered condoms seemed a little misplaced, I get it goes with the trashed society but it still seemed awkward to me. Other than that I thought it was pretty good
-cassidy
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True - I agree that it's kind of crude and a little too blunt compared to the rest of the poem. But I need it there.
I think I'm going to revise and make the complex images simpler, so that the meaning is more accessible.
Thanks for the honesty.
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I have re-read this poem a few times, I think several stanzas let you down compared to others, your choice of primative langauge in cases makes your beautiful stanzas and phrases fall into insignificance.
Having said that, I did like these lines;
"leaving superficial societies
with exhaust and scattered
condoms."
Some rich, mouth watering imagery here but it does need revising.
Kindest of regards,
Good luck in the contest you have entered.
Sophie
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Thanks - what do you mean by primitive? What areas need work? That would help me a lot.
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