When no longer can you see my face,
When no longer can you hear my voice,
When you feel a subtly difference,
Between chaining a soul and loving,
Close your eyes for a moment,
Remember me some time,
When each and everything is gone,
Leaving you alone,
And woe begun,
Your life burdened,
Your dreams squandered,
When you feel the very last bell toll,
Beckon my remembrance,
As they can console,
Your tormented heart and soul,
Close your eyes for a moment,
Remember me sometimes……
Author notes
Belong to one of my friend. "MOOSA"
Please your critical suggetion and comments.
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,,,really very amazing Hamid
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swee....t
this is great bro. i love it. -
i like it it
what i got from it is like
someone forgets about you but you will still be there when they become alone
because your remberance can make them feel better
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Wonderful
Hey....? it's really wonderful. Keep writing, keep sharing good work.
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i think i just cried...... that was so beautiful i loved it! awesome awesome awesome rite here!
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wow.. I like this one alot. It is beautifuly captured and it really seems to personify stuff thats going on with me. I reread it like three different times.
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love it
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Well written.i love the woe and pining. Its sad yet somewhat peaceful. Wonderful emotion evoking-ness :-)
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I do like this very much. It carries the emotions quite well. May I sugggest that you rework the first lines to read " When you no longer can see my face, When you no longer can hear my voice..." Perhaps drop the 'ly' from "subtle difference", and in line 6 combine "sometime", and seperate 'every' and 'thing' in the following line. Line 14 change the word 'they' to 'it' since you are refering to a remembrance, which though may be many faceted, is of one person(seemingly in this write anyway), keeping the tenses intact. I would even suggest dropping the commas at the ends of lines: 1,2,3,4, 5 and use a period at the end of line 6. Add maybe a line break here to distinguish one stanza from the next. Remove commas from lines 7,8 and add another line break after line 12, add a period after line 15 then another line break and let the last two lines linger with the fullness of lost love. Since you asked for my thoughts.. ...I do like the imgery and the language use, just a few tweaks(in my opinion) and it will read smoother. Peace, Rhonda
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Very well penned...
I enjoyed your poem
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Love it.
Very thought provoking
Keep writing -
This is a great write. Very inspiring and touching. Please keep writing!
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khalidkhan
hamid welldone so nice poetry here my friend i m proud of u. inshallah very soon u will achieve your target keepon strugling.very nice poem i really love it, -
good work for Moosa , nice poem , liked it ..
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The lines "When you feel a subtle difference,/Between chaining a soul and loving..." bring us to consider the phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder..." When people are together they can take each other for granted...thinking that their souls are chained and can never be separated whatever they do. But the chain will break with time.
From a distance we must love...both through time and space...and only when alone can we learn what it is to love that other...
This has a nice sombre flow, and the imagery of loneliness and the 'last bell' combined with words like 'chaining' and 'tormented' give this piece a very Romantic flavour.
Squandered dreams are something we can all relate to (especially the young!) and it is good to close your eyes sometimes and reflect on everything you have and have not.
This peers into the soul. Good words, structure and ideas. I enjoyed this very much.
Jared
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very nostalgic from core of your heart Hamidji, love to remember!
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Wow!! This is really cool! Full of sadness and love. I REALLY liked this poem! GREAT!!!
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great job
its a good poem and very well expressed , good work.
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Sounds like a request to make prayer to God. But also can relate to someone else that is beloved. To seek comfort in a hope, to help one to endure until things improve.
Enjoyable poem Hamid.
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very nice comment on a poem
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Wow!
What an amazing poem!
I couldn't stop reading!
It was deep,
I could most definitely feel the passion!
"Between chaining a soul and loving,
Close your eyes for a moment,
Remember me some time, "
Good use of the metaphor "chaining a soul"
Great Write!
Keep up the fantastic work!
You should seriously think about joining a contest with this poem!
It was amazing!
Sincerely,
~Trill~
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