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A Boy, A Fife, and A Story

A wind blowing through the woods
A small child with a hood
Resting with his back against the tree
He will tell you his name is Lee.

He will put on a show for you.
It will last through the drops of dew.
It will be about his life.
He will tell it while he plays his fife.

"I've been through very rough times."
He'll pronounce as slowly the fife chimes.
"My parents beat me as you can see,
For them it was selfish glee."

"I have the worst memories in the world,
Yet, no one will listen. I'm so unheard."
Then his fife blew a chime so sweet,
It made his sound so elite.

How could parents not want this child?
You look at him and smile,
For all you see is flair.
It just does not seem fair.


Author notes

Should i add more to this it seems like im just leaving you hanging? I JUST RAN OUT OF IDEAS PLEASE GIVE ME SUGGESTIONNNS! sorry bout the caps lock

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Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • darkscorpia
    May 16

    Edit | Reply
    Okay, rhyming sounds a little forced, but that might be just because I'm extremely sensitive to that. I agree with l0ve, selfish glee sounds a lot better. I think rhyming in L15-16 sounds too forced, as well as in line 19-20.


  • lovemespeechlessly
    April 22
    Edit | Reply
    I like it. You've gotten better and better


  • tuesdae
    April 21

    Edit | Reply
    I agree with rin about the rhyming and that it does have potential.
    I think you should change the line:
    "My parents beat me as you can see,
    For them it was selfish glee."

    Maybe it could be like "My parents used to beat me' he exclaimes/ for them it was all fun and games"
    or "He says "my parents used to beat me'/ but now i'm truely roaming free" or something like that. idk i just dont like that line. O.o


    • l0ve
      April 21
      Edit | Reply
      wow... thats good Glory.
      im a terrible revisionist... i almost never revise my poems


    • Queen of Shadows
      April 21
      Edit | Reply
      im not changing it again i dont care if u dont like it if i was to change it it wouldnt be my poem it would be yours


  • l0ve
    April 21

    Edit | Reply
    ummm im really not sure about this.
    yeah, i write a lot of story poems...
    my suggestions are:
    some of the rhymes are kinda weird...
    swirled, elite, flair...

    i would revise this a lot if i were you

    but u do have something going here!


    • Queen of Shadows
      April 21
      Edit | Reply
      the thing is it makes sense to me because i know what the words mean like elite means special swirled is like confused annd flair means talent


      • l0ve
        April 21
        Edit | Reply
        well of course i know what they mean.
        its just that its a little awkward in the poem.


        • Queen of Shadows
          April 21
          Edit | Reply
          i changed swirled cuz thats the only one i thought sounded wierd so now read it again


          • l0ve
            April 21
            Edit | Reply
            ... i think the line,"for them it was all happy glee"
            should be changed to "for them it was selfish glee"
            and thats much better, i like that line now

1 - 11 of 11