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Consequences



She spends her summer
seeking to boot the sun into outer-space.

I dream each night of consequence-
dreading the day I wake at dawn,

to an empty garden
swing.





A contest entry

I

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 21 of 21

  • savemysoul
    November 5
    Edit | Reply
    nice job. i liked it. thanks for enteringa nd good luck.

    -- jordan.


  • amaranthine lover gold member
    August 25
    Edit | Reply

    21.29 / 25

    Your image was more concise in this one and the subtle images really were lovely.


  • Griswold
    August 3

    Edit | Reply
    Well, considering it is Summer in Ohio and hot and humid, I'd like to boot that shining bastard a couple thousand light years further away myself. Thank you for entering the "Fight for the Gold" Contest it is appreciated, best of luck to you...Scott


  • perfectsunset gold member
    June 9

    Edit | Reply
    I really like this..
    so unique and beautifully crafted.

    Best of luck & thanks for entering


  • misticmoonlite gold member
    June 8

    Edit | Reply
    this is kind of sad,but well penned, love the picture it represents though, thank you for this entry...good luck
    Linda


  • AJ Morelli gold member
    May 6

    Edit | Reply
    I like the use of "she" in S1 and the use of "I" in S2... it is almost as if the author is not able to face the anger, fear or rage they hold and must render it in the third person... modified slightly in the now first person account of the second stanza you transition from dream to waking, a further slow unveiling...

    and the final image makes the reasoning for it quite obvious


    excellent work

    al

  • Rowan gold member
    April 24
    Edit | Reply
    What a haunting image this is...
    well done.


  • Daizee silver member
    April 24
    Edit | Reply
    That last line makes me just want to sigh...


  • penchanted
    April 24

    Edit | Reply
    consequences and the empty garden swing..very creative write of longing and the dread of waking up alone. I marvel at the unique writes I read and yours is one of them.. well done!

    Jo


  • Gwenevere
    April 22

    Edit | Reply
    Yes, there are consequences to all actions.Dreams are there to be fulfilled so perhaps you could both have a game of football

  • Yvette Champ gold member
    April 22

    Edit | Reply
    Ah, thirty- one words posted with care and packaged with bubble-wrap, causes, consciences, motifs and motives, all causes have consequences, here you show the reader that one love reaching for a stellar orbit may equate to lonlieness, for when someone reaches for the stars that may have a certain glitterrati they can, irrevocably, lend themselves to a party of one, which is, no fun for anyone.


  • RedAquarius
    April 22

    Edit | Reply
    The opening imagery is really wonderful, I simply love the idea of pulling back my foot and kick-booting the sun into the beyond...it gives a huge sense of control and immeasurable space/time which is then brought small and tight again by the confines of an empty swing. Really wonderful.


  • unholyamber18
    April 21
    Edit | Reply

    kool beanz

    it was different and different is good!!!


  • Pollyanna
    April 21

    Edit | Reply
    Your versifying style doesn't spare adjectives to define one single thing. But what do you care? You convey whatever you feel like in Poetry. And that's what I call freedom.
    I'm not here to see rhythm, metre or sing-songs: I'm here for the authenticity.
    You define 'longing' by the simple fact of drawing raw images, cue the verb 'boot' for a smile, instead of delicacies of lexicon such as 'shine on' or the cliche 'burn out.'
    Hey, undermine those consequences and the doozy will be pristine. But, no, that's no flaw at all.
    This is entirely unembellished as it is realistic.
    Gryte!

    Keep well,

    'Anna

  • Suzanne Dia
    April 21

    Edit | Reply
    this gets progressively more guarded
    does that make sense?
    the edits objectify it
    not that that is a bad thing
    just something I've noticed.

  • Bad Bill
    April 21

    Edit | Reply
    Your opening image is startling and the skill with which you shift the tone of the piece to a not-to-be contemplated thought is an excellent example of dramatic possibility in such a short format. Brilliantly effective.

    Bill


  • Emmyb gold member
    April 21

    Edit | Reply
    this is sad... and moving. Amazing images as usual. Could see the sun flying into outerspace. . . this is great Alex. well done.

  • pocket pixie gold member
    April 21
    Edit | Reply
    Cosmic melancholy. I like it.

1 - 21 of 21