The pre-teen sat the counter
beside the bathroom sink,
the oldest 'plied her makeup,
then asked, "What do you think?"
The youngest thought a second,
appraising was her stare;
and then she shrugged her shoulders
as if she didn't care -
"I hope I'm really smart like you,
and pretty like Sis number two,
and popular in my debut -
quite unlike either one of you!"
Out flounced the eldest, sorely peeved,
to tell Sis Two, "You won't believe,
But,
I am ugly, you are dumb,
and neither of us any fun!"
Author notes
True story!
In a list
A contest entry
- I Want Anything! by sunsunny3235.
532 points, ended May 9, 83 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Write me funny! by Rebekah-Ann.
1400 points, ended June 2, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I would agree about missing articles; though this line seems to have an extra article - "the"
"unlike the either one of you!"
This line is a bit ambiguous:
"Out flounced her sister, sorely peeved,"
Maybe:
"Out flounced Sis Two, now sorely peeved,"
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A really cute and funny anecdotal poem that was a delight to read. Best of luck in the contest.
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The tone of your story rings true.
Content: Funny anecdote that, I take it, happened between your children. Enjoyed the chatty, eavesdropping tone of the event. Last stanza summation is clever and made me smile. I so love stories from real life that involve kids being themselves and amusing those of us who overhear or are in the right place at the wrong time. *g* I can picture this event handily; it's not confusing at all. *scratching my head about the remark below made by the contest owner*
Structure: I am not understanding this new form you're using where you eschew articles and conjunctions. It makes for tighter verse (and, thus, I disagree w/comment below that you need to "tighten the screws"). But, it interrupts the reading flow and ... why? If it's a new structure you are playing about with, that makes sense. What is the form, though? You're writing in quatrains, yeppers, with an ABCB rhyme scheme. I can't figure out the metre as it seems to change up a bit; on balance, it's even but those pesky articles cause me to reread some lines.
Some help on format, GF!
-- Francy
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Thanks for catching my elbow and having me revisit it--I wrangled and wrestled and couldn't get the meter to run. New day, new light. Not perfect, but better!
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i really liked this... such a bitter-sweet taste of reality.
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hi, i like this very much but its confusing. Please work on tightening the screws ok?
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