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The Four Seasons

Winter came, and we waded through the snow,
depressed and carrying our burdens in heavy sacks,
we skated on lakes, made of frozen tears,
somehow we survived,the brutal weather
and looked forward to spring.

spring came, green grass emerged,
I sat your feet, and made you crown,
from grass, twigs and leaves I found on the ground,
I pasted on happy face, a mask to wear,
until summer came.

summer came, It wasn't hot enough,
to melt away my icy heart,
you seemed to get farther away,
I found myself wishing on dandelions,
and praying for the seasons end.

Fall came, and all I could hear,
Was your voice on the wind,
calling to me, and I was afraid to follow,
not sure you'd want to see me,
after all the dark places I had been.




Author notes

t h e - h u m a n - s t a i n I'm not sure if this will make sense to others

A contest entry

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 13 of 13
  • poets whisper silver member
    September 12

    Edit | Reply
    lakes made of frozen tears; lovely poetic phrasing here. Nice imagery used throughout the piece. Thank you for entering the contest.


  • Kathraina silver member
    August 26

    Edit | Reply
    I know exactly what that can be like.
    Marvelous job with this piece, I love the concept you've used here.
    Great imagery and flow throughout!

    Bravo and thank you for entering


    ♥ Kate


  • aeolia
    August 11

    Edit | Reply
    Originality – 6/10
    Cohesion - 10/10
    Imagery/Metaphor – 6/10
    Flow/Structure – 9/10
    Diction/Verbiage - 3/5
    Grammar/Spelling- 2/5
    Rules Followed - 5/5
    Emotion – 3/5
    Syntax – 4/5
    Title – 2/5
    Reaction – 3/5
    Overall Opinion – 3/5

    Total: 56/80

    Using seasons and other natural imagery to convey change in a relationship isn’t very original, hence your score in that area. It does work and others have used it a lot, but the thing is that others have done it better.

    You seem to have a knack for telling stories via such metaphors, which I liked. I think the other judges will agree, though, that you could’ve added some more powerful images instead of simply telling us about this relationship. You’ve a skeleton of a poem, and with a little work and powerful imagery to go along with the common seasons metaphors, this could be good!

    Let me know if you want any of the rubric explained! I’m a little tight on time before my holiday, but if you’d like, I’d be glad to come back to your piece.


  • Not-The-Sun silver member
    August 7

    Edit | Reply
    i really like the idea of the four seasons and how you showed that the change of the seasons was associated with a change in feelings. I think some of the lines are a bit awkward, like "I pasted on happy face," but the descriptions seemed real and fresh


  • tsukiyo
    August 5

    Edit | Reply
    Hello, and welcome to AP's Got Talent! I enjoyed reading this poem; the ending struck a chord in me so much because I have been through it. There are a few critiques though. The stanzas consisted of a run-on sentences. If you broke them up in a few different sentences, the poem would flow better. For instance:


    "Winter came, and we waded through the snow,
    depressed and carrying our burdens in heavy sacks,
    we skated on lakes, made of frozen tears,
    somehow we survived,the brutal weather
    and looked forward to spring."

    That would flow better if it was:

    "Winter came, and we waded through the snow,
    depressed and carrying our burdens in heavy sacks.
    We skated on lakes, made of frozen tears;
    somehow we survived the brutal weather and looked forward to spring."

    The few grammar repairs made this sound alittle more poetic, instead of just scattered phrases. Also, if imagery was added then the poetic voice would have increased as well

    Don't get angry about these critiques. trust me, if I didn't see potential in this to continue on, then I wouldn't have critiqued this so much.

    Originality – 8/10
    Grammar/Spelling- 4/5
    Emotion – 4/5
    Imagery/Metaphor – 7/10
    syntax – 3/5
    reaction – 3/5
    title – 4/5
    flow/structure – 8/10
    overall opinion – 4/5
    Rules followed - 5/5
    Diction/Verbiage - 4/5
    cohesion - 7/10
    total- 61/80


    points possible- 80/80

    Please don't worry about the score, it just helps show an opinion to help you improve. Even if you get a very low score [which you didn't really], you could still move on to the next round.

    Good luck in the contest!

    Also, please do not edit your poem until after Immortal Obscurity and Endymion have had a chance to grade. Thank you.

    - Anni


  • Ami
    July 31

    Edit | Reply
    This makes sense and I really liked it I was interested by the title :]
    Yes I'm a title freak haha Great write and Thank you so much for entering my contest and Good luck

    -♥Amy♥


  • Immortal Obscurity Greeters member
    July 22
    Edit | Reply
    Hi there, and welcome to AP's Got Talent

    This reminded me a lot of something I wrote once. The happy-face/mask metaphor is not one I'm fond of, as it is quite overdone, but the general emotion here is pretty good. I wouldn't say, "intense", per se; I think you need to work on making your readers feel the poem, rather than reading it.

    Thank you for your entry.


  • Mango Memories
    July 22

    Edit | Reply
    hmm

    this write was very unique.

    In a way, i did enjoy reading some parts, but at times i felt as if i you had alot to say!

    Well done


  • CentrifugalCorpse
    July 6

    Edit | Reply
    This is in too many contests so I'm not going to read it.
    Sorry, you should have read the rules.

    Good luck in the other contests though.

    New plague


  • Aerden gold member
    June 19

    Edit | Reply
    I liked this poem a lot, but there are some places where wods seem to be missing, which made it a bit awkward to read. I wasn't sure if that was purposely done or not. Thank you for entering my contest

  • XxLoverOfDarknessxX
    June 18

    Edit | Reply
    it was good but it didn't make sense to me. i liked the poem and thought it was pretty good. keep up the good work! thanks for entering and good luck in my contest!


  • dieu.
    June 18
    Edit | Reply
    no


  • August Starlight silver member
    May 9
    Edit | Reply
    General Rules (5/5)
    Spelling/Grammar (4/5)
    Format (4/5)
    Representation of seasons (4/5)
    Title Relevance (8/10)
    Vocabulary (6/10)
    Overall Flow (7/10)
    Keeps Attention (6/10)
    Imagery/Metaphors (6/10)
    Creativity (7/10)
    Emotion (7/10)
    Personal Opinion (6/10)

    Final Score = 70

    It really didn't make sense to me, but it was a good write.
    Thanks for entering and good luck.

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