There is chaos in my mind,
And it escapes through my eyes.
These visions dance before me,
And although they're not real,
I feel caught up in their movement.
I follow with a smile,
And I wake up hours later.
Lost and alone, in the darkness.
And chaos has become organized again.
Author notes
Written March 7th, 2004
What did you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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great, but revision could make it even better
Hello, my name is Katie, and I will be critiquing you today. So just sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. It's all under control, and be sure not to take anything I say personally-- I'm just trying to help you become a better poet. God knows I need some lessons as well.
So, first off, over all opinion: I like it. It has some good lines... though there are some weak points that need to be tightened/revised.
REVISION IS IMPORTANTTTTTT. Indeed. And don't pull that "I don't like to revise because it messes up the origional vibe of my state of mind when I was first inspired!" crap. DO THE WORK... revise.
End of sermon to no one in particular.
So, what I liked: I liked the first two lines. A lot. I like the idea of stuff exiting the mind via the eyes. That's just cool. I also like the last line. "Organized chaos", eh? Very SLC Punk. Very cool and interesting. Also, I was estatic to find NO TRACE of forced rhyme or annoying repetitive-ness or, ya know, just plain crappy stuff in general-- cliches, etc.
This is a decent peice as is.
But, that doens't mean just stop there. It has POTENTIAL (which I was going to call poetential.. but that's kinda lame). Anyway, so explore the boundries of your poem with playful curosity. Poetry is fun! Mold your words like clay and.. ya know, poke around.. try new things.
So anyway, what I didn't quite get/like/etc was: First, the whole following the chaos bit. It didn't seem to connect the chaos exiting to the chaos becoming organized and you suddenly in this new place... "lost and alone, in the darkness". Now, I'm saying all this from a reader's perspective. You might understand it entirally, but I, as a reader, am telling you I can't... so you can just recognize that some readers are having problems connecting different passages. Anyway, next-- you use some passive verbs... is and has, namely. I'd try to change those... but that's not such a big deal. The lost/alone/darkness line is a little... unorigional. Poetry is all about coming up with new ways to describe stuff. It's ok to use words that are used a lot (alone, depression, dark, etc etc), but then it's up to you to make it stand out from the rest. Or, of course, you could just get new words.. but sometimes that makes the poem sound too verbose... and that's no fun. No good at all. Lastly, what's with the "again" at the end? I like it-- it's mysterous, but I just don't know why it's there, and that bugs me a little.
SO, basically: Nice start, but there's not much centrilization yet... you don't have to do anything I suggested or fix anything I poked at, but I hope you at least play around with this a little bit. I think it could go much farther than this level of ok-ness.
Good luck.
Katie o) -
lol hey doll! Thanks for telling to get here so I can put my pic up! This is a great poem, what have you been smoking? lol see ya tomorrow.
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lol of course my room is black. black is an awesome colour! you don't have to read them all, you know. lol
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[ps-i said 11 wasn't many...hehe but geeze now you got 13]...continues anywas
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you live in your dreams and sleep to a cruel reality that is life? thats what i got from this...and is your room painted black by any chance?
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