Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide
from all this pain, swelling up inside.
Tearing me up, rips me apart
please go away, pain in my heart.
I try to run from all this pain.
But it's almost like dodging the rain.
You run and you run, but still you get wet
if I could dodge drops of pain, i'd be all set.
Surrounded by all this broken glass
arms covered in blood, going home at last.
My heart races, my soul starts to rise
I picture my grave, " a depressed girl here lies."
I open my eyes, and look on ahead.
Is this really what it feels like to be dead?
No pain anymore, my body is numb
No more voices around me, it's all just a hum.
All of a sudden, the pain comes right back.
The voices are here, ready to attack.
They won't let me die, i'm forced to live through the pain.
I guess it's just like, dodging the rain.
A contest entry
- Give me poem for critiquing - I'm judging on potential by bridgetjanejone.
700 points, ended May 7, 49 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - darkside by emoempess.
700 points, ended May 16, 201 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Inspire Me by JM Kenyon.
700 points, ended June 24, 39 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - [sorry if we can't all be unoriginal] but I have a mold to break. by Antebellum.
550 points, ended June 29, 133 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I really like the rhyme you have here.
"I picture my grave, " a depressed girl here lies.""
this is my favorite line.
thanks for entering. -
As clearly stated in the rules, the writing must be freeverse. This clearly broke the rules; we are currently on a first basis rule here. A definite no.
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I'm sorry to spill the beans, but one of the prerequisites is that is must be - freeverse. I'm sorry to have to go with a No here.
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WOW
WOW I LOVE THIS it sounds like something i would write something all to familliar i love your metaphor used dodging the rain i like the line
a deppresed girl lies here
its like a break from the rhyme
remember dont make everything rhyme though i used to and then i ran out of words to rhyme with!
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Please... you are falling into the trap of trying to make the lines rhyme. It doesn't work. They are forced. Read them as you would normally and you should see what I mean.
"No pain anymore, my body is numb
No more voices around me, it's all just a hum"
You forced the rhyme. My tip if you insist on searching for rhymes: listen to Bob Dylan. The master of making the rhyme rhyme.
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solid
the metaphor works wonderfully! its sooo impossible to dodge the tumbling blocks of rain/pain. i'm not good at structured pieces so idk if this is or not. but if it is it also flows nicely!
two critiques your epitaph,
" a depressed girl here lies. "
could be polished up.
and the second to last stanza was pretty weak compared the the intensity of thew rest of your piece.
awesome-emo-write
peace
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