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The gift of a kiss

By sunburst10 on March 25th 2009, early evening.
on topic Vampire Kiss freewrite

I stared at him; his lips red with blood, and swollen from the cut in the middle of it. He smiled, his white teeth stained with the blood of a human he had just killed.I look at the body, limp and lifeless. Then I look back at him and give him a smile. Smelling the blood hightened my senses and my lips ache for his. I move closer, feeling his cold skin with my hand. His lips move closer to mine and then I meet his lips with satisfaction. His fangs lightly tough my lips. His lips move from mine and to my neck, I embrace for the sharp pain. Then he gives me the Vampire kiss I dont have as much pain as I thought I had. He takes my blood and I gladly give it. I start to feel light headed and he stops moving his blood stained lips to my mouth and he gave a long kiss. The last feeling of humanity traded for Immortality.

Author notes

I hope you like this I really do.

this just came to me on a wim. how do you like it

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • IxI
    October 1

    Edit | Reply
    This is a good start to a story you are writing maybe?
    there are a few spelling errors in here you should probably fix. a couple sentences dont start off with a capital, just small stuff like that.
    and commas hun, commas, commas, commas. for example,
    he smiled his white teeth stained.....
    sounds better if you add a comma
    he smiled, his white teeth stained...

    anytime you are writing and you want the reader to pause for a second like there throw a comma in. i noticed that a few times in this.

    if you are serious about writing you should go to the library and check out a book called elements of style. it is a must read for someone who is serious enough about writing to embark on the adventure of writing a novel.

    but good. i am a fan of bloodplay in real life, so i found this extremely beautiful. i dont think im a vampire or anything like that but i have sucked blood out of a lover's neck and it is very erotic.
    thanks for this entry
    Cam


    • sunburst10
      October 1
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for your comment right now I am witing a book and I have seen that I dont add commas when I should.


  • SilverRose23
    April 18
    Edit | Reply

    nice

    nice jess...very, very nice

1 - 5 of 5