Death In The Afterlife

Exhale the poison dust
It settles in my lungs
And I hallucinate in dreams
And then dream
Of what never could be
While you lie and pretend
You don't still dream of me.

I walk through life,
And I'm a phantom myself.
I don't exist
I stopped existing
Longing after
The life that went missing
And the life that was lost
Inside of me
In the midst of our
Naivete.

I blamed you;
You blamed me.

We sought to fix
The void within
And made-believe
We had each forgiven.

The drugs ruined you.
The hatred broke me.

We both thought our love
Could die quietly...

And then it didn't.

Now we both have regrets,
And we're both too afraid...
So hard to get past
The hell that we made

And the life that we could have had,
And the life that we left.
When I could not heal,
I just tried to forget.

Then I saw you again.

When you came to see me,
I didn't realize
The way your expressions of anger and pain
Mirror my own
When we see one another.
I couldn't see the way you tried to smile
And the way you forgot everyone around you
Except for me...
The way you are still staring at me
Like
I might be
A goddess on high
Or your schizophrenic invention.

(I still hate that about you.
Stop.)

I didn't think about you standing in the doorway
Gazing at me when you thought I was no longer looking...
When I let down my guard thinking
You were no longer looking at me.
I didn't think about the phone call that
While about me,
Was never meant to be heard by me.
I didn't think about any of it--
All I could see was me.

My hate.
My pain.
My love.
My feelings towards you.

Now I know the way you feel,
And I don't know what I can do about it.
So many questions I wanted to ask
And I was too afraid to.
After...everything...
Could there ever be an us again?

In spite of this love, I still hate you.
But I still want you more than I have ever wanted anything.