Twilight; night's canopy slowly descends,
that special shade of indigo so deep.
As thoughts of you into my mind do creep;
my heart, it feels our love as it transcends.
With you and I there are never pretends;
feelings we share, passion that won't subside.
Soul-mates we are; we know it deep inside,
my heart, it feels our love as it transcends.
This gift is timeless and it has no ends;
forever true, its beauty leaves me weak.
Being with you; hearing each word you speak,
my heart, it feels our love as it transcends.
Twilight; night's canopy slowly descends,
my heart, it feels our love as it transcends.
Author notes
seamaiden
This is my first attempt at this form and I hope you enjoy this one.
DETAILS ON THE FORM:
(taken from Ceridwins Soul’s COLUMN: My Notes - Poetic Form - Echo Sonnet;
SEE another example poem (in which the repeated line contains variations from stanza to stanza) there: http://allpoetry.com/column/show/2349967)
Type: Structure, meter, isosyllabic, rhyme, refrain
Description: The echo sonnet, created by Jeff Green, is similar to the kyrielle sonnet in that it consists of three quatrains and a heroic couplet. The last line of each quatrain (A2) and the couplet is the refrain line which can be a repeated whole line, phrase or end word. The first line of the first quatrain (A1)also repeats as the first line of the couplet. The form has a rhyme scheme and is preferably composed of lines of iambic pentameter.
Rhyme Scheme: A1bbA2 accA2 addA2 A1A2
A contest entry
- The Echo Sonnet by BearWoman.
1140 points, ended May 5, 5 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
A lovely bit of romance; meter needs attention
The rhymes here are exact/tight. The use of "pretends" in Stanza 1 Line 1 (S1L1) feels a bit stiff or forced to me. Every time I read it I stop to digest it. I understand the reason for using it, you use proper grammar, and I suspect most readers would simply notice the resonance with "pretense" and keep on reading. I keep stopping to interpret it, whereas I experience the A2 repeat ("transcends") as imagery and tone. Perhaps it is in part because you are using a verb as a noun (which is not always an issue for me; I enjoy creative "mis"use of words)?
The introduction of the A1 repeat as L1 is lovely. It sets the mood up nicely through the choices of words, the punctuation, and the non-metrical rhythm, all of which contribute to a slowed pace that almost languorously leads us into the poem. Its repeat as L13, however, doesn’t work as well as an exact duplication (due to the punctuation). I choose to interpret the form requirement for full line repeats to be primarily repeated words, as there is built in flexibility in the form for how to use the A2 repeat. Therefore, I would suggest changing the end of line (EOL) comma to a semicolon. As well, you could consider changing "Twilight;" to "Twilight," in which case you may also want to add a comma after "night’s canopy". Another possibility is to end L13 with a period and start L14 as a new sentence. I would consider all of these choices within poetic license for this form.
The A2 repeat is done well in S2 and S3. I especially enjoyed its use in S3, which along with S1 is the most romantic part of this sonnet for me. The A2 repeat does not work as well in the ending couplet, I think due entirely to the way L13 is punctuated. If L13/14 were written as "Twilight, night’s canopy, slowly descends. / My heart, it feels our love as it transcends." the extra slow down would make the closing stanza stronger. Also because of the separation of the two thoughts that are too distinct to separate only with a comma. Otherwise, I experience it more as a simple repetition of lines rather than as a summation.
I don’t think the softer tone of the couplet best serves this poem, as the tension is increased throughout the piece, especially in S3. To leave the reader with a greater impact using a softer voice would require a more noticeable tonal contrast between the intensity of S3 and the closing couplet. Either choice is an acceptable poetic approach.
A third approach would have been to use minimal instead of full punctuation. If this piece were punctuated only with in-line and no EOL punctuation (with perhaps a leading capital and maybe an ending period for each stanza?), it would shift the tone and I would read it differently. In that case (without capitals and no EOL line punctuation), it would feel more ethereal to me, and I then read right through the "pretends" on S1L1.
It seems you have selected iambic pentameter, though as I read it fully half (seven) of the lines break strict meter to one degree or another. These include:
~ L2, which I read as x/x/x/xxx/, and could easily be read completely in iambs.
~ The A1 repeat (L1, L13), which I read as /x//xx/xx/. I think both instances of this line are well served by the slowing of the meter in those places.
~ L11, which I read as /xx//xx/x/. I think the mixture of trochees and iambs creates an interesting flavor here, and the slow down in this line works well for its stanza.
~ Three lines in S2 (L5-7), which I think need to be addressed. I read these as: (L5) x/x/x//xx/; (L6) /xx/,/xx/x/. (L7) /xxx/;x/x/x/, The combination of these three lines in a row, between the breaks in meter and the punctuation, are very slowing (L6 in particular). L5 is an interesting case. Ordinarily, the substitution of one trochee for one iamb (and in the position it occupies), creating a spondee, would work nicely as a modifier of the sing-song iambic pentameter pace. However, because of the phrasing of final three words ("are never pretends"), the combination of the spondee/trochee and the wording slows me more than I like. Part of this is because of the "pretends" (as I described above). If the words "are" and "never were swapped, it would not only put the line into meter ("With you and I there never are pretends;"), I think I would no longer be stumbling over the final word in this line.
I found the alternating of trochees and iambs in the first four feet of L6 to be very slowing (the pace did pick up with the final two iambs). L7 began slow and then returned to the metrical pace after the first two feet. This line by itself works well pace-wise. It is the combination of the three lines in a row that I find less than satisfying. If you really want to slow the reader this much, it is an acceptable choice as long as you are doing it intentionally. I would suggest, however, that you look at these lines and consider ways you like to let the pace here flow a bit more quickly. After multiple reads (10+) and overnight mellowing, all of the sonnet read more smoothly for me except L5.
On the non-strict meter lines (overall), I did note that every line ends with at least one iamb. I think that is a useful technique that helps breaks in the meter succeed. I plan to steal it for my own experiments in how to modify meter and still get a poem to flow well.
SCORING:
5/5 Adherence to contest theme
34.1/40 Form score
39.1/45 TOTAL SCORE
13.1/15 Technical Details:
1.8/2 Rhyme
1.8/2 A1 repeat
3.5/4 A2 repeat
2/2 Line length
4/5 Meter, technical
21/25 Overall Poem:
4.8/5 Cohesive, communicative
3/4 Flow
3.2/4 Rhythm
1.9/2 Grammar, etc.
2.5/3 Individual stanza strength
1/2 Couplet strength
4.6/5 Overall impression
See http://allpoetry.com/column/show/2352115 for details on the rubric I used for scoring. I feel I may have been a little harsh in my scoring. I am not poetically trained and can only go with what I know, so that’s what I did. You did a great job on your first attempt at this form.
-
-
Thank you so much for such an in depth critique of this poem and for your lovely words. They mean so much more than the applauses which you are also thanked very much for. What a wonderful contest to participate in and thank you for the honorable mention. My best to you poet.
seamaiden 
-
-
very beautiful and great imagery and flow.
-
-
Thank you so very much for your lovely words and applauses. The words mean so much more and are greatfully appreciated. Best to you poet. seamaiden
-
Adding your comment:
