Crappily Ever After

There once was a teen who lived just like a queen
Just like royalty high on her throne.
Her father was dead and her mother had wed
A man with two girls of his own.
Now her mother did not like those two girls a lot
And each day she would treat them so mean,
For she made them both mop and clean up all the slop
In the sink and scrub down the latrine.

And while those two toiled, her own daughter was spoiled
With the finest of designer tags.
Her rich clothes were the best, while her stepsisters dressed
In the rattiest hand-me-down rags.
But although poorly dressed, the stepsisters possessed
A true beauty not shown by the rich
And haughty young teen who lived just a queen,
Who they named Cinderella the bitch.

For those two were the talk of the boys on the block
And were famous at raves they’d attend.
Which they would do one night, when they snuck out of sight
Leaving Cindy at home with no friend.
And oh how she cried and she sobbed and she sighed
On her bed while she petted her cat,
For she wanted to go to a rave don’t you know,
But she looked far too fancy for that.

And that’s when appeared a wish fairy so weird,
Who waving her long tragic wand,
Blackened up her blonde roots, gave her Doc Martin boots,
And Goth garb like her stepsisters donned.
“And now for your ride,” The wish fairy she cried,
“Go and grab me a pumpkin, and quick!”
Then she said to the cat, “Get six mice and a rat,
And I’ll show you a magical trick!”

So they did what implored, brought six mice and a gourd,
And a rat that the wish fairy turned
To a driver in black and six Goth kids in back
Of a dark hearse whose big tires burned.
Then the darkly adorned, old wish fairy she warned:
“Be back by the stroke of midnight,
Lest the black clothes you wear melt away in thin air,
And your ride disappear out of sight!

And so they tore off, left her mother to cough
In a cloud with a rubbery smell,
They drove off to the rave like a hearse to a grave,
Like a Halloween bat out of hell.
They arrived around ten at the loud rave and then,
Since her costume was made to convince,
She was ushered inside dressed like Dracula’s bride,
And was introduced to the Dark Prince.

So together they moshed, they got hammered and squashed,
And they both had a hell of a hoot.
Until midnight grew near, and she ran off in fear,
Leaving only one black army boot,
Which flew off and was found by the Dark Prince around
The mosh pit where their bodies had slammed.
Then he said to his crew: “Find the foot fits this shoe,
Or by the dark devil be dammed!”

So from dusk until dawn they drove round and tried on
The boot on the girls on the street,
But it just didn’t fit any ladies one bit,
For all they all had the wrong size of feet.
Till they happened to sight, in her soft bedroom light,
A girl whose foot they hadn't tried,
And to their surprise it was just the right size-
They had found the Dark Prince’s new bride.

For she married no less in a black wedding dress,
And with Marilyn Manson as Priest.
Who wished them the worst, prayed they would be cursed,
And who then made the sign of the beast.
And that’s when it’s said she became a crack head,
For the Dark Prince was really a pimp
Who would beat her up bad, took the money she had,
And then left her to scrape and to scrimp.

And it’s fabled that she would live so crappily
Ever after and had to rake ash
In a fire-place so hot, while her stepsisters got
All her closets of clothes and her cash.
And for being a bitch who was spoiled and was rich,
She wound up down on desolate drags,
In a ramshackle shack whose tar-paper was black-
Where she went from great riches to rags.