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Rewrite of Happy to Be Unhappy.

All those years together
Crossing rivers of tears
So deep, we almost drowned

Then that high mountain we climbed
Almost giving up
Only to realize
We stood on the Summit
And could touch heaven

I would climb that mountain again
If only I could hold you
Touch you

But I am Earthbound
Here alone without you
Yet...

I am happy to be unhappy
For in this life, I held you
In this life, I loved you

You will always be my pillar of strength
And I will carry the lessons you taught me
The rest of my days
Until I cross over...

I will love you forever

Author notes

Thank you to Ears 2 Hear You for helping me with the rewrite.

What is your initial emotional reaction?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments


  • Ti Amo Te Quiero
    September 4

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    I agree with Discoveria...because love is such a popular and common topic people write about. Making it stand out is so much harder. No offence, but to me, it felt like any other love poem. Maybe you could have added more depth and imagery to it, used words that have more impact. Because love can be described in so many other ways...let your imagination flow Sorry if I offended you yeaa, but I just gotta say it. Anyways, not bad, keep writing ya!! Cheers!!


  • Discoveria
    June 22

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    In the spirit of the constructive criticism group:

    To be totally honest, I did not have any emotional reaction to this piece. I have a very high threshold for it though.

    The images of "rivers of tears" "mountain" and "Earthbound" are appropriate, and technically the only issue is "The rest of my days" should probably be "For the rest of my days". I think my reaction to this piece is due to the lack of end of line punctuation. The piece is an address from one person to another. In my opinion, punctuation would help to indicate where the natural pauses in the phrases are, and make it sound as if it is being spoken. For example:

    Then that high mountain we climbed,
    almost giving up
    only to realize:
    we stood on the summit,
    and could touch heaven.

    The difference is subtle, but just makes the words more convincing to me.

    The final line, where any emotional reaction I could have is usually concentrated, didn't do anything for me because it seemed totally expected and very blunt/direct.

  • RechercheCadaver
    April 23

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    This is incredibly sweet, and I love the acceptance I can feel in it. Sometimes we have to accept the facts, and just be grateful for the time we had we people we care about. Very simple and touching peice of work, just what I enjoy reading.


  • Snowing Kisses silver member
    April 18

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    This is stuning, it just touched my core in a very deep way, right now my husband if 16 years is in intensive care, he is stable now, but i almost lost him yesterday, and he will be permanently weakened, i was just thinking about how i would never have changed a thing, even though i knew all those years ago that we will never grow old together, and then i read your beautiful poem, and im crying, but not from sadness, but the joy of knowing love
    thankyou, you have a very real talent