What Have You Done For Me?

I lay here empty when I think of all that you've taken away
Moments that made me happy became over ridden with
the lives that have been banished from my life
the happy tired smile of a girl I admired
the sweet voice of the old man who gave me dreams
who taught me all I needed to know about the world
and the boy that I had always wished to see once more
they have been stolen
was it some sort of lesson?
some sort of punishment, needed?
Need me to crawl into myself, prove myself strong
emotionless, raw?
I can not deal with another suicide attempt
Something inside of me collapses and hope fades
when I see that look in her eyes
that she wanted me to stop her, but I couldn't stop her
you should have stopped her
and I, I wish that things could be different that there didn't have to be
a heart wrenching lesson
lurking behind every dark courner,
every unseen door
that I didn't have to be afraid of living because
I hate the pain in dying
the pain in anyone dying.
I cry too much
I have lost too much
and I have no one to blame,
I don't believe in you anymore
I don't know how much I ever did
Things were told, of your power
your greatness,
and humans were to assume your intelligance
your supreme nature that will save us?
I can't be saved.
I can't be anything more than I am.
I don't believe in you.
I don't know you.
If I did I wouldn't be able to speak to you with compassion
because it doesn't seem like your actions have been speaking to me in such a way
I was told to believe in you
that I had to believe in you
but as being human I have a choice.
My choice.
My life.
Not contolled by anything or anyone.
I have faith in nature, in friends, in anyone who has supported me in reality
"god" is not reality, it's an idea, it is a manifestation a way to place blame, a way to seek answers,

but it is not the answer.
I will suffer and I will thrive without an unknown person to look up to.