......
lately I have not been vocal about how
I've been. And now since I have the chance, and been drinking also,
will be throwing my emotions out there so I expect no sympathy or
anger or anything really I would like honest feedback on this. I want
people to take this to heart because I am. I might regret it later
but hell with it.
lately, I feel as though I really have no
friends. It more of I feel as my friends hang out with me out of
convenience. I have been feeling like a burden, a third fucking
wheel. It more of feeling like they just put up with me until I
leave, a use and abuse feeling. I know you guys say you love me and
like me, but honestly who comes over to my place and want to hang out
with me? I know how I've been I'm trying to change my ways, it may be
in a way you may not like, but I refuse to be somebody's bitch. I may
not seem the best to hang with but I am. I love deep
conversations, talk about things that make no sense at all. I just
don't take the the first step. those who really know me know
that I am quite quiet.
Thats because I've learned when I have
nothing to say I really don't say it. Then again I am quite odd so I
say whatever come to mind. With that in mind you really have to take
what I have to say with some flair, because most of the time I'm just
kidding. Alas you guys take it to heart and think I'm serious when I
say these things, I don't. I don't like hurting people like that
thats why I always have my girlfriends dump me instead of dumping
them when I got bored of them. I only broke up with two of them
because it was needed for them to get a kick in the ass. the other
need to feel that sense of power. so that they can be ready for a new
relationship. That why I still am friends with at part with my ex's
and some of them have some of the strongest relationships they ever
had. A few of them aren't quite there yet, but are on the way there.
I know this may make sense, as you all think of me of low
intellectual, but I am quite deceitful.
And all though Jay may not show his
emotions unless truly drunk.
I never show mine even when drunk.
Albeit when drunk I am a total ass. That is not the case. I never
let anyone get close. I mean come on, how many people can say they
truly know me? I have like only one best friend here in Milwaukee,
and even he barely talks to me, though he does work all the time.
We never really even hang out. To more
of the point, I felt like I have been depressed for years now since
like I was 15. I've come to realize the I'm not depressed I'm just
lonely, which I don't know which is worse. Depression can easily be
medicated, but feeling alone cannot. Yes I have felt alone even in a
crowed room, but I know this is not depression, It is a lack of
people wanting to be with me, just for me. I have proved this many of
time, alas to myself, but even more so in the past few weeks. You can
say anything you want, but the proof is not in words but in actions.
I know there are in fact more suitable people your rather spend your
time with. I feel the same way to at time. I do like being alone from
time to time, everyone does, but the only real human contact I get is
of I go out and seek this so called companionship. Which bring me
back to my “ being a bitch” point, the whole use and abuse point.
And those who have done this to me know who you are. Though there are
some of those who are there for me but are preoccupied with this of
their own agenda with I understand. I really do, they have proved
time and time again that they choose my company because they do enjoy
it, and I enjoy theirs. It is due to these people that I try to
improve myself for them, they know I get a little bit better every
year. Due to my situation I can understand that my own means are in
fact limited, I am trying to change that, I plan to make this year of
change for me. For starters I've already lost 30 pounds due to some
minor changes in my life, thought some habits are hard to break, I am
trying to change. For one I'm am losing some weight. I've already
lost 30 pounds and some have told me that I have lost some weight and
I do feel better for it. But I am trying to get around 200 pounds. If
anyone is interested in losing weight with me, anyone I am willing to
put time and effort into it, but once again my means are limited so a
simple walk will due. And I don't always have a mode of
transportation. I f you wish to know how I am losing this weight
simply. More water and healthier food. More fruits and veggies meats
simple things really. I cut back on junk food unless I am low on food
which I will eat anything I can that I don't like such as fast food,
but I eat as well as I can.
That is aside the point, my whole
point in this is no one really come s to my to just hang out. Not
anymore. What I'd like to know is why? Have I become some sort of
annoyance, Or have I just alienated people of my way? Or could it be
that these people really don't hang out with me because of their own
conflict and I just have that limited of friends. In short I want you
guy to really tell me what you think of me. Be honest, this is the
only way I can improve myself at times. If you really do hang out
with me out of convenience tell me, Because most of the time I really
do the same thing back to those who I feel use me. I'm not proud of
it, but it is a means of survival at times. I really want all of you
to read this so I can get a better grasp at what to do with my life,
because I am having a crisis with my life at this point and I need
direction. I don't know what to do anymore, I never felt so lost so
alone. I really am scared and I don;t know what to do. I don't what
to live my life this way anymore. I have more than ample opportunity
to change around but I always get stuck in the same rut. I am seeking
professional help for this in a few weeks or this but I would like to
get your opinions on this first. I don't want to flounder around in
life anymore. I am at the point of just leaving all my worldly
possessions behind me (aka selling it off) and just travel the earth
( I get a camera and keep my laptop of course). Just so no no really
worries about me, I am not ever at all thinking of suicide, nor will
I ever do such a thing if such a time would come, I am taking out
some of the world's problems first. More or less persons. I will rid
of the world of as much evil of I am that desperate to die.
One last note because I am on my last
beer. Do not underestimate me, I am much more than I am seem, I am
not as dumb as you perceive, I do as simply do as I please yes I know
some of you are thinking “you could have fooled me” well isn't
that what I've done? I mean really throwing jay into the mix once
again. Most of the immediate friends would have never have met him if
it hasn't been for me. Jay would haven't have gotten laid in the past
two years for if not for me. Jay was in more or less a downward
spiral not for me. Albeit he would have found his own path for
happiness, but not the show for happiness he likes to throw around
but true happiness, That I have led him down despite what he thinks.
I am not a bastard as much as I like to think. This much is true. I
always try to fix people who I seems to work, thats why I like to
butt in to people's affairs at times. Believe me I say this I always
have a greater plan in mind. I am in fact always there when needed.
Yes at time's when not needed, but think about it. I am aren't I? I
by all means should have been killed off years ago, there are many
times I should have died,really I was at one point had a knife to my
own throat, and that person had all the intentions in the world to
kill me, but didn't because I looked them dead in the eyes and said
nothing, but by some divine intervention, I didn't I don't know why
just yet, But I always assumed it because I was put here to help
people, Which I can safely say I have helped people which I do love
doing. At the same time I always felt like my time has not yet come
to pass yet, I feel like my true calling is years off, and then will
I truly become happy, but I want to be happy now. I haven't been
happy in years. I have been happy but not true happiness. I wanted
this to be a little more hate filled but that is not in me, I am in
more need of help than vengeance. Please responded with the best
intentions.
With love,
Manifesto
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