Entry Denied by MissyYates at All poetry

I’ve given you my everything, My heart, My trust, My all
Despite the effort, I feel alone; Defenses build a wall
I’ve tried to share a life with you, Our kids, Our hopes, Our dreams
Nothings ever good enough; Our days are filled with screams

Your hurtful words and scary fits will forever burn my mind
I’ve tried to break down these walls and leave the pain behind
My heart still feels at risk, that’s a peace I cannot find
The words spoken so often ring true, Love can Make You Blind

I’ve pushed through all the times, I thought I should let you go
We’re too different, you show no interest, the true me you still don’t know
We’re not friends, There’s no affection, Everyday I feel alone
My heart is closed, My mind says run, Yet I always stay at home

I don’t know how to fix the damage, our marriage is falling apart
I can’t destroy this wall alone and I can’t trust you with my heart
I’m not sure if I need to hold on or if for us it’s just too late
Heartache churns and it seems the pain will seal our fate

There’s so much of you that I love, so much more than you could know
It’s those parts that I cling to so my heart won’t let you go
But there’s still those things you do that I simply will not take
My anger protects my heart and walls build in my wake

My heart is on fire, It’s aching and alone
Yet I’m strong and that part will not be shown
I hold it in and protect myself with pride
As long as I feel at risk with you YOUR ENTRY IS DENIED.

Author notes

A Struggle for the Closeness and Strength that fade in a relationship.

What did you think? I appreciate an honest opinion.

Comments

1 - 7 of 7

By me, right now

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WuzGood
July 2
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Very beautiful poem!! allot of passion and emotion!
GoliathAssassin
June 29

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I would give the opposite critique.
I think this poem is actually quite short. It's not too short, either. It says what you need to say, and I don't think you should concern yourself with robbing it of that. The idea of you nailing shorter pieces because you "simply have so much emotion" is kinda silly to me. It's BECAUSE you have this wealth of emotion that you should feel EMPOWERED to write poetry of any length you want! Some people just can't read or write very long and have short attention spans.

"Your hurtful words and scary fits will forever burn my mind"

"We’re too different, you show no interest, the true me you still don’t know"

Those two lines there stuck out to me the most. I get the picture of a very proud, much less intellectual man... I'm sorry. I hope this situation gets better, or you leave because those last two lines... are a horrible way to have to live.
CharleeBoy
June 27

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Alright (I know you like honest comments, so here it goes.) The piece too long for my taste, however you did a good job of keeping me intrested. The emotion was there, and so was the plot. I havn't read much of your work...but I know you would probably nail doing shorter pieces. Simply because, you have so much emotion to put down on paper. Like I said, nothing wrong with long pieces of poetry. (You seem to handle them very well)

"I’ve given you my everything, My heart, My trust, My all
Despite the effort, I feel alone; Defenses build a wall
I’ve tried to share a life with you, Our kids, Our hopes, Our dreams
Nothings ever good enough; Our days are filled with screams."

^^ The first stanza, it made me stumble a bit. The second line...the part where "Defenses build a wall." It just seems like the line is not complete with ending it that way. Then the part where it says, "Our days are filled with screams." That is a very good thing to use, but I feel with all this emotion...you can sort of vamp that line up a little.

With or without my advise though, it's great. So not even touching it is a strong option as well...I just notice little things easily and thought I would let you know.
- MissyYates
  June 27
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  What can I say, I have a lot to say when I write! lol It's like a therapy sometimes so most my pieces are filled with emotion. I do have some shorter pieces but I haven't added many poems yet. I need more free time! lol
Badass Brea
June 11

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This was so emotional & beautiful!

I loved this especially:
"I don’t know how to fix the damage, our marriage is falling apart
I can’t destroy this wall alone and I can’t trust you with my heart
I’m not sure if I need to hold on or if for us it’s just too late
Heartache churns and it seems the pain will seal our fate"

I'm sorry you felt the need to build a wall around your heart. I can kinda' relate to you because ever since I was a little kidd my defense mechanisim has always been to "go numb." I just shut down & shut out, sometimes it's forced and other times it just comes on naturally.

I love how I could feel your words, and the flow of this was amazing as well!

exOHex
Brea
poets whisper
June 11

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lots of depth of emotion written out on the page for everyone to read. Lots of courage to do this. I really like the title and how it is wrapped up in the ending.
Linaness
April 15

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I really love this poem.
You've obviously put a lot of thought into it, as the strong emotions can be felt throughout this piece.
It's quite sad though, talking about a fading relationship and how you've built up a defence.
One thing I might mention though is the use of paragraphing. The first two stanzas have four short lines in each, whereas your other stanzas have four long lines in each. Maybe stick to one of the other.
But nevertheless, I really enjoyed reading this and loved how each line flowed into the next with such rhythm and grace.
Keep up the good work.