....Feels like i'm in a movie..
.With the world moving much too fast..
..I know they can see me..
But they'd never admit to that..
Like the turning of the pages..
...The falling sands of time..
Like the history of ages..
.....I ache to call you mine..
.Neverending outcast..
..On the outside looking in..
...Full of hateful flashbacks..
.And burdened by my sin..
.....Breaking under pressure.
..How the hourglass does shine..
.Rotting earth becomes a fissure..
And I long to call you mine..
..I long to call you..
Burn to see you..
..Hate to feel it..
.I know I need you.....
Let my laces come undone..
.Let my heart be finally freed..
Let the darkness fade,
reveal the shining sun..
Let it's glow baptise me..
Let us get lost in our desires..
...Let our young hearts intertwine..
..Let your kiss put out the fire..
..Please tell me that you're mine...
Author notes
Zakk ♥
A contest entry
- Pre-Writes Galore by tears.of.silence.
400 points, ended May 18, 257 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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That's amazing. Honestly I can't give you any critical input on this one because it's practically perfect. It reads well, flowing freely. It looks nice on the page. Your word choices are excellent showing natural poetic flair. I really love this, best one i've read in a while. Thanks for writing
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Thanks jon. Means a lot.
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omg! i love this.... i feel you.... i long for him to tell me im his and that hes mine... *sighs* well done!
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Ha thanks.
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Very good capture
Very good. Descriptive, but not overly so. I dig it. I could tell that you were in a "swept away" stage when writing this. Very good capture.
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well done
a lot of elipses - I am a bit of a grammer nazi and I think you could break it up differently to get your flow/feeling across, but otherwise wonderful write - tells a wonderful story that keeps you reading
Tasha
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I almost can feel the race and pace of this "hourglass of time" that the poet mentions, with all going on, but in the interlude, the longing for being able to express love as the racing of circumstances continues. When the pace ceases the ending line with .."Please tell me that you're mine"...Very effective use of the backdrop of a movie like setting to create the suspense for a quest for romance....Very cleverly penned...
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I like the structure of the piece. it seems the thoughts/lines are separate but the story is in each line.
thanks.
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Thanks so much!
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oh my god! i love it! i don't even have a favorite part! i love the whole thing. i am in love with the emotions. i can relate. well not right now but i know how to. this is amazing. keep up the great work!
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the reader can feel the poet's yearning to claim the one he loves...I loved the flow, the rhythm was perfect, yet not forced...nice write, poet...
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Thanks so much!
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this is written with such longing,
I like the ryhme and flow of your words,
Let my laces come undone..
Let my heart be finally freed..
I like those lines..over all a lovely write
well done! you are featured
in "Today Poem"
Blessings
Rend
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Again, thank you, thank you, thank you!!
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Nice
It's great, I liek it alot. Good Going! I bet Zakk is a lucky guy.
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Lol thanks. Kinda spur of the moment, but thats me!
Yeah, Zakk is pretty fucking great.
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