Smothered by realitys coat, shielding me from my dreams
gagging my mouth, my soul silently screams
the night blows kisses, burdened with pain
my heart becomes my grave, loneliness is driving me insane
Breathless from anguish, choked in a pool of ice
death prevails; a decaying figure forsakenly incised
now lies the remains, of a love that glowed
the gift to you, I once bestowed
What have I become?
The hollowed sphere on a pendulum
swinging back and forth
a crack in time
a stain in an asylum
... tick
... tick
... tick
... tick
A shallow face, anguished and marred
an empty space, scaled and scarred
sweetly abiding, to a cynical charade
secretly hiding, 'hind a fictitious façade
Mind, body and spirit ripped
endlessly bleeding
the only sound in my reflection
is begging and pleading
... drip
... drip
... drip
... drip
Just passing through time, as time passes me
merely a nothing, -nothing, merely, left to be
sightless and soundless, unseen and unheard
mindless and boundless, obscure and absurd
All empathy lying
ungraced, unemployed
I live my life dying
unembraced, a void
… silence.
Author notes
Picture Prompt/Credit goes to...
http://rlv.zcache.com/mystical_glow_poster-p228245830833161784tdcp_400.jpg
=)
- Critical Reviewers One group list • next in list
A contest entry
- PICTURE CONTEST by penman.
2250 points, ended April 18, 15 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Calling all gold and silver prize poems.. (Round 1) by xXGoddessofPainXx.
400 points, ended April 23, 43 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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beautiful
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Outstanding
This is an emotional poem that captures the essence of emptiness perfectly. The imagery is strong throughout and I am not surprised that it won a trophy. The rhyme is well-chosen and adds to the effect of the poem. A sensitive poem written with a feeling of intensity. I liked it a lot.
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I like this piece it's really nice the way the words flow, and the way they are displayed.. I love the drip, drip drip and the tick, tick, tick. All very interesting indeed.. ROUND 2 congrats and see you there
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wow I loved this one... the way you wrote it just got my attention and your words kept it. Congrats on the silver trophy. It is an excellent write. thanks for sharing this with us.
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I really like this. The rhyme works well, helps the poem to flow without ever seeming too forced or unnatural. I like lines 14-17, but maybe you could shift the indentations to emphasise the "swinging back and forth". So for example, the first tick would be on the left margin, and the second tick pushed further to the right, and then repeat this for lines 16 and 17. But these are just minor details, the poem is very impressive as it is.
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This is impressive, I like the break in rhyme to give this a different feel. I like how this sounds read aloud also. Well done
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I really like the way you've organized this and the idea behind it. It's very creative. My only critique is that some of the rhymes are a tad predictable.
Nice read. -
You have created a dark and lovely voice in this poem, a vision of a person left hollow and aching. Beautiful.
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Wonderful
Very well done. Best of luck in the contest.
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outstanding!!!!!!
a grand standing ovation!. this poem is impeccable and flawless. loved every line. excellent title.
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A phenomenal piece you have written. Very powerful and deeply insightful. Great write.
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Breathtaking
Holy crap... that was amazing. You get better and better with every piece! I am so glad you are my inspiration. Kind of like my older sibling, haha. I love you. Don't stop writing. I loved this piece so much... especially the ending, wow!
Just breathtaking, simply amazing.
Bri~
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Great concept ..unique!
I really like how you compared this to time and its hold on our unfortunate experiences.
GREAT personification with the pendulum. Just love ... LOVE the title.
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*Suggestions*
I think you can still keep the intensity if you merge some stanzas and economize this for the sake of mysteria and quality. There are several stanzas that the reader takes it and then it is diluted by something else said.
*Example*
A shallow face
anguished and marred
an empty space
scaled and scarred <-- visual, complete
Sweetly abiding
to a cynical charade
secretly hiding
'hind a fictitious façade <-- jumps time and loses the central 'nerve' that it begins. I would leave this one out...save the marvelous vocabulary for another poem.
This has so much possibility. Unless it is against your heart to do so, I would say 'only' enough to give the reader that 'chill' you intended.
Thank you for sharing it!
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