My brave heart fell in love again.
I chose you out of all the men.
Since your train skipped track I've been dying inside.
That asteroid was meant for me.
I cared for you.
That should have been me on train number 523.
Life skipped a beat.
Love takes the heat.
I'm still so in love with your memory.
"All aboard," the train conductor repeats.
I lost you then.
The train skipped the track, and fell over.
Asteroid, come for me.
Come down quickly!
Train 523 come back on your track.
Go back to yesterday.
It should have been me on train number 523.
Author notes
picture taken from: http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&um=1&q=pictures+of+asteroids&sa=N&start=300&ndsp=20
A contest entry
- Make Me Cry by Erica Carnea.
490 points, ended June 21, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
How do you feel after reading this?
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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I'm happy to see you're getting so many reads and comments! You deserve them! I thought you used repetition very effectively in this poem, and as always, you are not afraid to go out on a limb. We are privileged to know you on AP!
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Again, thank you so much for your nice comment.
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Lovely! I love the short phrases - they really cause the reader to concentrate on the words. I get the picture here that the lady's love was killed. Was that your meaning? Short and sweet
Beautiful!
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i really liked this. i feel like it should be accompanied by an acoustic guitar
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Touching
You are really brave to love again , I can find no courage to fall out of my unrequited love itself .. -
Very nicely done a sad and sweet poem love how you have made repetition like haunting thoughts coming back.
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I love the meaning of the asteroid and the feeling you put into this poem. Very touching and beautiful. I love the style of this poem and the way you express everything so easily. Good job, this poem really got to the heart.
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Excellent
WOW!!!
It makes the reader fell like they were truly there.
Excellent writing here.
I like how you repeated a few lines.
Well done.
Keep up with the great work.
Keep on penning.
Thank you so very much for sharing your wonderful and creative talents with us.
*S* Cynthia
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This is pretty good but it would be better if you used a word once and it could be more exciting. I read some of yours where you put your all into it.
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kool
kool poem =) , your style of writing is wow and unique ,i like the lines -' Life skipped a beat.
Love takes the heat.'
I'm still so in love with your memory.
wonderful k
byyyyyyyyyye k
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Aww This Is So Sad
As I Read It It Felt Like Me Going Through That ]
Thankyou So Much For Sharing And Good Luck In The Contest Love Always Erica xx -
oh thats so sad. its really interesting. i never heard anything like that before. it is devistating i agree. interesting view on this. really sad events. im glad u write about them.
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I felt devastated, like it was me experiencing that. It was an excellent piece of writing, really evocative. Exquisite.
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Seems this person took another chance on love and had her heart broken again. I like the repeats, they give more power to the poem..you say the asteroid was meant for you...what did you mean by that? I take it that should it fall on you, you would have died...Surely she didn't expect that?
Grammatically, in this line "should of been me on train number 523", it should read "should HAVE been me"..interesting read in this contest entry....Reveller
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I like the story line here. Good impact-no pun intended- with the use of the repeating lines.
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geeeeeeeeeeeee
I love your cadence, the way you repeat key lines like magnets pulling you through the wake of your words,
captivating write my friend
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This is realy sad, Tiffany. Is it about something that really happened. This is just really painful sounding and just seems to tear at someone's heart.
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cute
but sad -
This is a beautiful poem.
I love it it's really emotional and sad.
Is it about something that really happened?
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No, Ryan. It's fiction.
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This is beautifully written, despite the fact that it's sad. Great job!
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this is beautifully written.
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this would make an intgeresting song i think!
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Good... emotional without being overdramatic. While I'm not normally a big rhyme fan, I do like the internal rhyme in the "That should of been me on train number 523," lines. The repetition in the poem really conveys the idea that when you lose someone close, you just keep replaying the same memories over and over
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