I reach out my hand.
Can you even begin to see
or understand
how very hard it is for me
to be in your world?
Can you sense the shaking
and trembling inside
as I wonder when and how
I am going to stumble?
When I will say or do
something that
makes me look stupid?
When my amnesia and
abuse effected mind will
trip me up?
Do you realize how hard it is
for me to try and look
“normal”?
To try and look as if I am
comfortable and OK
in your world?
Are you aware that I am not even
really IN your world?
That I struggle in a world
all my own?
Do you know how hard it is
to trust
that you are really
what I see?
That there is not something
else going on?
Do you have any idea
how much energy it takes
to be bravely hopeful
and always vigilant?
To wonder if
your friendship
is the “real deal”
or just another setup?
To be ever watchful
for the cue
that lets me know
that you might be
betraying me?
Or that your actions and words
are only out of
some sense
of duty?
Do you know how much
I HATE
feeling the way I do?
How much I HATE
knowing that I will always be
suspicious…even if only
subconsciously?
Do you understand the
cost
to me when I persist in trying to
trust you?
When I persist in trying to
let you in?
Do you know how much my
not walking away says
about how much I
value
your friendship?
I hope you do.
Comments
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Brilliant. Very articulate.
I saw two children just this last Saturday who I think are probably in line for abuse, if it's not happening already... I keep seeing them and feeling so useless, knowing there was nothing that I had seen which enabled me to take action, yet still knowing that those two children are at risk.
One was a little boy of two or so, in a video shop... hopping and jumping and laughing and being what a two year old is... his mum and dad kept raving at him to stop... then mum held him by his wrist so high that it looked as if it was hurting him... she didn't hit him, but you could sense that she wanted to. Dad looked very rough and aggressive.
Then we went for a walk in the evening while waiting for our daughter to come out of a bar by the water front... a mum was outside one of the bars with an 18 month old or so little girl in her arms. The dad went to take her and the child hugged her mum and turned away. He pulled the babe roughly round and was putting two fingers up in her face... and the mum said stop swearing at her. Goodness knows what goes on in that family behind closed doors.
I felt sickened by them and by the futility of what I could do to help which is basically nothing.
I am praying for them both. And for you!
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Thank you, funpum. I appreciate the prayers. Thankfully, it is not always that extreme. I have come along way, but I can still find myself feeling this way.
I sure do understand that feeling of helplessness. I have seen women and children both where I just "knew" something was going on...and my heart broke for them.
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Wow I can so relate to your amazing write. I to struggle with the affects of abuse from my past everyday and the demons who won't let me go. I have such a hard time trusting as well. I hope that oneday we will all be free of abuse of anykind and we will all finally be free from it's chains that bound us. Great write, hugs Theresa
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Thanks, Theresa. I know that I will someday be totally freed, even if it does not happen until I am changed by Yahweh and in heaven. I will be free. I pray that I will experience more freedom here, too, though!
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Powerful impact..in this poem....strips away all the layers
and reveals the aching need to trust, love, and
be free once more...achingly!
May you find that freedom...your ink and soul
screams to be freed!
That was an incredible poem!
wow!
loved it!
ears/Seattle
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Thank you, ears. I will keep on fighting. I won't give up!
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Wow..this is really deep....I really began to feel this on the 3rd set of verses...you hit it hard on your work on this site I must say...., if anyone who reads this can't see it, I don't know what they can see.
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Thank you for the compliment, David. I do hard work hard on some things in my poetry. It is part of my therapy really...a way of processing things. Not everything I work on is suitable to put here, but I do put what I can. I try to be open in the hopes that it might help someone else.
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Yes, I can relate...
I struggle daily with the fallout of being abused also. What also really disturbs me is that I seem to attract abuse; but this is slowly changing. I too find it difficult to trust; except for a very rare few people in my life, and I am always vigilant. What I find strange is the polarity of myself. One side of me is over-trusting and naive, and the other one is suspicious and jaded. She sure does she get mad when I let myself be fooled yet another time...
I want to trust and be open; but is this wise in the world that we live in. My motto lately is that instead of being innocent until proven guilty; most must prove themselves to me first and then I will trust them. There is a child-like side of me that I have to protect though. Even writing this here is over-trusting and open of me. This is a side to myself that I won't let die. I'm getting loopy here.lols
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I understand, Karen. Believe me...I get it! Thank you for being so brave and open. Thank you for commenting on my poem and on the struggle it reveals. I had to trust to put this out there...and even more...to share it with some real friends.
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sad
I guess I am blessed with disabled memory. I can forget things easily. I can see how this will be a curse but you did well in capturing it to make me feel how a bit of what you feel. Good write. God bless you and keep you, Mark
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Thank you, Mark. I keep praying...and hoping...that it will get better. Sometimes, I just want to give up all efforts at friendship...but I won't. I think it is worth the struggle.
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yes it is
worth the struggle. You know the Bible says Satan is like a roaring lions who seeks to destroy us. If you havent ever seen a lion hunt. They look for a weak one and cut it out from the herd. In other words they get it alone and attack. There is strength in numbers and weakness in being solitary. God bless you, Mark -
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I so agree with you, Mark. We need each other. I have seen how the enemy can attack. It isn't pretty. That is why I try my best to be there for others...regardless of whether they are able to be there for me. I do it far from perfectly. In fact, sometimes I can really muck it up...but I do try!
Shalom,
Abigail
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I feel like this a lot it is so hard to trust in so many after you have been hurt so much thanks for sharing much love always be well.
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Thank you, CJ. I wish that no one would have to feel this way...ever!
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