Tin cans, newspapers, old cereal boxes. He used what he had on hand to make a life-like re-creation of his wife. He was lonely. Irma had been away at her mother's for two weeks, tending to her during a gall-bladder operation; and in a desperate attempt at a resolution, Mayne took an old paint can for her head, stuffed an old blouse with various grades of paper and did the same with an old pair of her Lee jeans.
He called Her Tiffany.
They ate breakfast together, watched ballgames...his wife hated sports. He and Tiffany never argued. She always smiled pleasantly, would sit quietly in the car when they went shopping for groceries...and she never complained when he bought the cheaper laundry detergent...or purchased beer instead of bread.
One morning at breakfast while he and Tiffany sat discussing the designated hitter rule, the phone rang and Dave said politely, "Don't get up honey, I'll answer it!"
On the other end, a familiar voice spoke warmly, "Darling, mother is much better today. I'll be coming home tomorrow, did you miss me?"
It was an easy enough question but it confused him, "What, huh, oh, yes, that is good dear, why yes, I, umm, I missed you, of course!" His wife continued to talk but he didn't pay attention, though he did add "yes" and "uh huh" at all the right pauses in their conversation. When she hung up, he walked over to Tiffany, sat down next to her and thought. She sat quietly, allowing him to ponder, uninterrupted. She did not even offer an objection when he told her that he'd "lost his appetite" and went and threw his half-full bowl of cereal in the trash.
He stood near the sink and looked at her and smiled...then thought of his wife and the smile turned to a frown...he had a hard decision to make...and there wasn't much time to make it. He had until tomorrow to decide.
Author notes
Baseball fans know about the designated hitter rule. That the American league has it and the National doesn't. It's a yearly debate among fans...should both leagues use it...or neither. Definitely a topic a husband might initiate and a wife would loathe...but not Tiffany. 
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A Shocking Tale Of Horror!
Comments
1 - 51 of 51
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i like this poem and i see what ur saying it is good
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Just getting around to commenting on this...sorry.
I grew up a National League (Mets) fan but was converted (some friends say stolen by the Evil Empire) I believe somehow subliminally by my husband, to the AL side and the Yankees. I know you're a Boston fan...yada (rivalry) yada (hate each other), yada (we'll always be better
). Anyway, I'm disputing the claim in your AN about a wife/a woman loathing the topic. I'll talk baseball any day. Very few pitchers, if any, can hit well. I don't count bunting but some even stink at that. It's a wasted at bat IMO. Okay, I'm done on that for now.
As for the story...nice thing about the fantasy is the creator has complete control over what happens, what is said or not and I guess it could be a form of company in a way. I think maybe if Mayne and Irma communicated better he wouldn't be so depressed about her homecoming. Lack of communication is the downfall of many a relationship.
I can't believe he actually drove Tiffany around in the car. I guess you can get away with that sort of thing up in Maine. lol
Did I mention I liked the story?
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Good thing the 'doll' wasn't called Chucky, or Tiffany would be buried in the backyard after getting back home. This is funny
Your author note reads like Chinese to me though.
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Umm...the doll was Tiffany...
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The ending is either funny or chilling.. either way I likey it!! Enjoyed it.. want some more!!!
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A Mocking Pail of Sorrow ...
Perhaps the fumes from Tiffany
Were going to your head,
And maybe ~ oh, just maybe
She ignored all that you said!
And what if she was waiting
For the garbage man instead
To rescue her and take her where
The real enamels fled?
Sorry, I went off on a tangent ... so your shocking tale of horror stimulated something for me!
j y
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No sorrows here, I love tangents, I'm one big tangent...as my family reminds me on my birthday every year! lol
Inspiration is weird, this popped into my head during a simple conversation about who knows what. I wish my mind could be inspired by great thoughts, but it likes silly and strange ideas, and I just obey it when it asks me to write them down.
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Mayne being wise, created
a private habitat for Tiffany,
so he could have his woman
and a silent listener
companion as well!
We were just discussing
the designated hitter rule last night,
watching Brewer pitchers walk and walk
and walk Cubbie runs across the plate,
wondering if fear of batting
had suddenly possessed them!
Watch for the replaly of the miracle catch,
glove over the fence, catching the
almost grand slam ball.
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Was there a miracle catch in the game? Baseball produces some of the most amazing, ballet-like plays in any sport. It almost makes all te boring parts worth it, lol I'm a baseball fan of course but it can get boring.
I remember when they first brought in the DH in the American league...I was excited, I was fairly young, 14 maybe? and I always hated when the pitcher came to bat, it was so boring. I was young remember, so the history wasn't as important to me as it would be to 50 year old Mayne. So I grew up under the DH and so I like it. It didn't hurt that the Redsox first DH was future hall of famer Orlando Cepeda and that the current one is David Ortiz, one of the game's great sluggers.
The Brewers after so many lean years seems to finally have a good team again, at least they did last year. But they lost Sabathia, to...I can't say it, it's too dirty a name...the Yank...I can't say it.
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JUST ON ESPN---GREAT VIDEO--THE REED JOHNSON CATCH!
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It has to be in clips today, leapt high, glove was back over the top
of the fence!!!! And it would have been a grand slam! As dramatic
as could be!!!!
I was always a National League fan, Cubbies. Hated the DH rule, sissy
American League!!!
Several years ago, a friend of mine, a die hard Cub fan, used the
greatest comparison---National league, the good guys,
the American League, like Republicans! I laughed for an hour--
it was so good!!! -
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Now wait! lol Your friend sound just like a republican trying to paint a false image of Obama (the AL) to fit his agenda! lol Let me show you a real comparison:
The NL, just like republicans, believing in the old ways, old values, tradition, resistant to change.
The AL, younger, less bound by tradition, will will try alternative things, less rigid in their belief that tradition is "everything."
And just like the democrats, the AL usually wins. The Phillies were just an aberration.
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Hah!
I think our early affiliations stay with us.
My memories are so old they include
listening to Jack Brickhouse making
a ticker-tape report sound exciting,
back, back, back, waaaaaaaaaaay back!
You would only know of that from history!!!
Coundn't find a still of the catch---just
a lot of pitcher shots, poor guy. -
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I'd never heard of him, but of course even a casual fan knows of Harry Caray.
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From Wikipedia:
"Brickhouse tried to let the pictures speak for themselves. In contrast, his successor as Cubs announcer, Harry Caray, a radio broadcaster by training, tended to describe the game on TV as if he were doing a radio broadcast. Brickhouse was sparer with his descriptive prose; perhaps not as spare as Vin Scully of the Los Angeles Dodgers, but talking in quick bursts rather than long sentences, knowing that the well-established camera work of WGN-TV and of producer Arne Harris would tell much of the story.
Instead of over-describing the action, "Brick" was more likely to add "flavor" to what was obviously happening, with almost child-like enthusiasm. He would pepper his play-by-play with various old-fashioned expressions, such as "Whew, boy!" after a close play that went the home team's way, or "Oh, brother!" when it went the other way, or "Wheeeee!" when the team would do something well." -
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But he could make radio visual...a great gift!
Each had his own style---memorable!
What is really great---all those facts that eluded us---
struggling to remember, getting out the old record books,
the almanacs, calling a friend---now---a touch of the keys and world is on our desks!!!!!!! -
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People like to pick on wikipedia because anyone can edit it, and sure you have to take that into account if you are doing serious research. But I can bet you a lot of money you'd find no information on Brickhouse in the Encyclopedia Britannica. Wiki is great for finding information on niche subjects. Want to know about some small time singer or poet, odds are they are on Wikipedia.
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And it's clearly presented---and no pop-ups.
Right, if you want it verified, do further searching.
I always go there first!!
Re the waaaaay back---that was for any game with
a long ball, a homerun, dramatising info that came
over the narrow ticker tape from a machine---history!
But we listened---the only way to get an out of town game---the dark ages!!!!!! -
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exactly. You should never accept only once source of information anyway, not if it's important research. But as you say, Wiki is great for getting info to help you look further. That is my first stop on Old Poetry bios before then searching for verification, etc.
Oh, radio...am...fading in and out...Celtics announcer Johnny Most, the greatest homer in sports history! The Celtics were Greek heroes and every opponent was sinister, lol But he was fun to listen to! -
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Non-sports people are going to think we
are crazy! -
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Yes, I've already heard from one who asked me what language we were speaking.
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It's called N.O.S.T.A.L.G.I.A.!!!!!!!!!!
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National
Organization to
Stop
The
Already
Loony
Goings on
In
AllPoetry -
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Nostalgia
Opportunites for
Sports
Talk
Action
Lovers of
Global
International
Anonymous
Yeah, yours is much better!!!
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Doncha just love it when you can hear
your own guys or guy doing the game--
all that home team bias! In football,
preseason, localTV station broadcasts--
ah, rooting for the home team! For me,
the Paclers.
Checked Wiki---Brickhouse in service
in '45, missed the only cub's pennant win
during his time! Never realized that... -
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"MISERABLE DETROIT MEDIA"
Love it, love it.
Enthusiasm is contagious,
especially when it is on the
outrageous side!
That was soooooo good.
Glad I can identify with it!!!
And the Celtics are...welll,
beloved even it it isn't ones
own team!!!
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The Pistons and Celtics hated each other back then...I'm sure those old guys still do, lol.
That was Johnny Most for you. And it wasn't a rare thing, there wasn't a game that he didn't see some great injustice being done to the Celtics. An accidental trip became a mugging, a missed ref's call became highway robbery, lol But he was fun...just you never got an accurate picture from his radio descriptions, lol -
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But then, there would be the newspaper
the next day!!!
But the outrageous stuff stays in our mind,
part of our own history. The "blah" stuff
fades away!
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Johnny Most was so far over-the-top he could really make you laugh. And I don't think anyone ever knew if he understood his incredible bias, lol
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And that is called exuberance---
akin to stading in the rain after a drought,
waiting it out in the bleachers---screaming
until you are hoarse---reading every souce you could find---like you and the 2:00 newpaper. And it seemed nomal to Johnny Most, most likely---his personality.
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I'm sure youtube will have it before the day is over. You got to love the internet! It's a vast wasteland but what a fun way to get wasted, lol
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In fo was so precious when it was hard to get---
but now---it's like Christmas every day---finding
everything. Except the shot---WGN, Journal Sentinel,
Tribune---only infield shots. On to YouTube!
Re ticker---only a trivia person would be able to do
the math---or search for it!!! -
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What was the team? If it was Bobby Thompson's "shot heard around the world" that's famous enough for any fan to know.
You're daring me to search! lol
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Ok, ticker tape is WAY back and you may be doing a "Hugh" right now! lol
But I know what you mean...as a kid I'd have to wait for the paper to know the scores of basketball. My favorite sport but it was before Bird and Magic revolutionized the sport and no one much cared about it. Radio never much told the scores, There was no ESPN, no Yahoo Sports, or NBA,com -- it was just me waiting until 2 pm for my grandmother's newspaper to show up in the mail --they didn't even have morning delivery back then (we didn't get the paper sent to us -- She lived next door.
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"But he was robbed Spiderman-style by Reed Johnson, who entered the game after an injury to right fielder Milton Bradley and scaled the outfield wall to take away what would have been a certain game-tying grand slam in the fifth."
Doesn't seem like any stills are available!
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sigh on Tiffany...did you make her look like Audrey
lol on 330 words
this reminded me of the movie...Lars and the Real Girl
and Breakfast with Tiffany should have a sequel
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I have an innocent crush on Audrey Hepburn. Another is Sophia Loren. I'm sure she'll inspire some of story one day.
I saw Lars and the Real Girl, I didn't think of that movie when I wrote this but you are right it is like it in a way. I liked that movie, as you might guess I would.
Definitely, I want a sequel, it was fun to write.
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Oh, now what? Oh, is there a sequel, lol!
what is poor Mayne to do!
Tiffany was his dream wife and now...
Oooooh, I hesitate to think, but he might consider keeping Tiffany as somone else said in a safe place, and then he can visit her and talk Baseball for hours, like maybe after Irma goes to sleep at night and then maybe he will get so tired, he might call Irma Tiffany and Oh, my, there are other possibilities, but I hesitate to think, brrrr...
Ahhhhhh,
Enjoyed this dear Yemmers, on't mind me, I ate too much and am vry tired so...But, I am glad I got a quick read in and I liked this and Oh, here are some clappinghandsies for you!
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Thanks Mi. Ah it's a good idea. He can keep Tiffany locked away. I bet she knows a lot about the infield fly rule.
It's weird how inspiration hits. I was talking to someone and this idea popped in my head.
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Dear Yem,
When we were in London, my wife and I
had breakfast at Tiffany's - Price was high
but I didn't mind 'coz Edna paid.
We had buttered toast with marmalade.
Of course we had numerous cups of tea
(in fact it was far too much for me)
Sausage, fried bacon and eggs I ate,
with tomatoes and spud on a piled-up plate.
The waiters wore white ties and tails.
Some folk nearby were eating snails!
At another table I saw their meals
were seafood which included eels!
But such exotic food I shunned
(no wonder they were so rotund!)
for I prefer much simpler fare
so had the 'English Breakfast' there.
The menu listed everything
that from around the world they bring.
I think it was beyond the pale
to list, for breakfast, steaks of whale!
Well, what I had was quite enough.
I found the sausage rather tough
although I covered it of course
with lashings of tomato sauce.
Oh! Please excuse me! I've digressed
from this your story, quite your best
which has inspired my memories
of breakfasting at Tiffany's.
And, by the way, for just two rounds
of brekky, it cost forty pounds!
Applause. What did Mayne decide?
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The reader will have to determine what Mayne decided. A real flesh and blood woman is nice but there is something to be said for quiet conviviality.
I didn't know Tiffany's was real. I just thought it was a Truman Capote invention. Good to know. I'm sure McDonald's or the International House Of Pancakes has far fairer prices though.
I think I might be secretly in love with Audrey Hepburn because I seem to bring up things related to her a lot, lol
Thanks Hugh! -
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There was nothing wrong with Audrey Hepburn. She often dined at Tiffany's and had reasonably good boobs too. They wouldn't tell me what she had for breakfast - (something to do with some Privacy Act or something) and they don't admit paparazzi or allow photographs of people eating. I did sneak the odd boob-shot however and if you remit ten grand to my account via paypal, I'll send you a copy of one of them.
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oh dear. I think you might be in trouble now...... baseball like any girl would talk about baseball, football or cars
Mia
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What? I thought all women loved to talk about sports? I am so disillusioned!
Thanks!
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Love this write. Maybe he can take Tiffany for a walk somewhere and put her in a safe place and visit her often. 
If she disappears due to bad weather such as a tornado, he can always talk to a tree. 
I love trees. 
You write such good stories, Yem.
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Yes, maybe tie her to a tree so she can't blow away...or maybe take his wife...and tie her to a tree instead...
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lol on tie wife to tree. I am very conservative and try to live within the law, and if you tie Tiffany to a tree, you may get fined for littering. If you tie the wife to a tree, you can say it was to help straighten her back.
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That's one of the most fun comments I've had in a long time!
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lol
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