Oil and Water

crickets rub their legs together producing our own soundtrack, while your calloused hands gently rub against my nearly bitten off fingernails.
          your fingertips touch mine, and I squirm in my seat in tune with the panic of my heart beat
silence engulfs us as we sit in old patio furniture, the stars twinkle through the unfinished window frames, mosquitoes buzz around our heads; silence surrounds us as we use our fingers to do the tango of our hearts emotions
          the scent of that Kool cigarette you smoked still lingers on every strand of your hair, it holds onto your soft lips and when you breathe I inhale the toxic tobacco
mid July and goose bumps still make the hairs on my lightly tanned skin stand still, your arm reaches over and brings warmth to my delicate arms, sincerity is the look in your eyes
          steel gray eyes blink slowly and look deeply into my soul, searching for an answer to an unasked question, or something else...
awkward silence, or is it comfortable? the slight sweat trickling down from my forehead says it is comfortably awkward, can such a thing exist?
          your sleeve is rolled up due to the summer’s heat, revealing a white and green hospital bracelet
I barely catch sight of such a significant piece of paper, but at the same time I knew it was there all along, it was the answer to the question of the disappearance, it was the symbol of our complicated love, such a worthless piece of paper, would grow to mean the world to me.
          frogs croak from the swamp beside my house, owls hoot in the breeze, and we are still unable to let go of our grasp. palms sweating, hearts palpitating, shivers run up and down my spine, but you maintain that oh so condescending cool.
my clockwork mind cannot help but run wild with questions of where to take things next, where does this go from here?
          lips part, touch, and move in unison, passion flows through my veins, your hands rub my stiff back, relaxation takes over, I am no longer concerned.
                                                      this is how it should be
but we've been lying to each other, the kiss that means the world to us, is one of deceit.
          I pull away, look down shamefully, she is still in your life, I know without asking, and immediately realize my mistake.
gray eyes begin to fill with slick, salt water at the corners, blinking them away, make them disappear before I see the true answer to that unasked question, the one I knew all along, but let my heart take the steering wheel.
          dry hands try to hold onto my arm once more, but my head is turned, she still comes first.
the crisp sound of fresh ripped paper and the glass patio table shakes as your fist comes down upon it.
          you look at me in desperation
....this was no mistake, I hear your deep voice as the words vibrate from your vocal chords
.............................................................................silence
....................................................................shame
.............................................stomach churning
.............................tears forming
.....................regret
.......one big lie
the definition of us
                    a parting hug
          a final word spoken
                                        keep it,
                                    as long as you love me,
                                        and I’ll know...

footsteps descend the plywood stairs, the old Christmas lights hanging above my head reflect your shadow as you turn around
            just light up that cigarette, your dirty habit
                              or am I your dirty habit?
                                        something you can't live without?
      keep the symbol until you stop loving me,
I keep it, I cherish it,
            the only piece of you I have,
      that she doesn't
a silent keepsake, a memory
  that I am always your second choice,
and that she will always haunt your thoughts,
            when you are with your dirty habit
  I am only good for the night time,
the cover of the sky allows you to accept that what we have is okay,
                  tears trickle down my cheeks leaving snail tracks across my made up face
keep turning your back on me,
when I was there,
and know the reasons,
why I have that simple symbol
                          it was your remembrance of pain,
                and you bestowed it to me,
      with you all I have is pain