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we used to stand at the bus stop together, you with your headphones blaring loud, angry music and me humming to the beat of your heart. you used to touchdown behind my left ribcage and ask me why we even bothered being alive if we could never fly. you would keep me cornered against the fence digging your stare into me awaiting an answer until the bus arrived. on the ride to elementary you would lean over the seat and tug on my shirt until i turned around and saw you sitting there acting innocent. only after about seven times did i realize blueberry bruises covering your wrists and neck. i slouched in my seat, crossing my fingers, hoping god would see me.
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in secondary school we always reeked of pot, stumbling around the hallways spreading out thoughts to others. what was wrong with the world? with us? you started seeing a doctor. you told me it was physical therapy for your knee. every day after school you would disappear for two hours and later find me sitting on my front porch with butterflies filling my mouth. your eyes would be red and there would be lilac double-dyes surrounding your eyes.
'what's wrong,' i would ask.
'i am sad.'
you stopped spreading love and started spreading animosity.
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if you are reading this now i want to let you know that i miss those days. i miss my heart because it's not there unless you are grasping it. i want to let you know that we exist without being able to fly because sometimes right where we are is right where we are supposed to be. sometimes you don't need to fly past the flecks of tangerine horizons to find love. i want to tell you that i was sad too. i want to let you know if one day you wake up and your heart is wondering where on this earth i am look for the girl with origami wings and a white flag,
silently surrendering myself to you.
Silver trophy winner
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