I know that sometimes bad things happen to good people. That they can happen for no reason at all. I know that you can give something, or someone your all and be left with nothing in return. I know that in life we are suppose to just live and not worry about all the unanswered questions. But there are SO MANY unanswered questions!
Bone-weary of wanting to do what is right while others don't seem to care. All the while I am left beneath while they have a turn to shine. Fuck that. I am not perfect, but you show me one perfect person and I will kiss your fucking ass. The world isn't fair.
I guess my struggle with God comes in here, because if He is all-powerful, which I believe him to be, then why can't he just change me? Why is there a constant inner battle that I lose every fucking time? Why did he create us, anyway? To be pawns in the devil's game? I don't want to be a pawn.
You have no idea what it's like to live in my head. I feel as if I'm living life for no reason. For soon, I will be burning in a hell where it won't matter if I wrote good poetry, finished school with a fucking perfect gpa, or became the best wife and mother I could. Nothing will matter.
It isn't fair. Life is not fucking fair. You know, overall I don't have much to complain about. I certainly have it better than some I know. Yet, I have days where I would like to just run away. To be alone, because there isn't one fucking person on the planet who understands me, or even cares to really try. I feel alone all the time anyway. So sick of it.
If the world was going to end with most of us in hell why did he even bother fucking putting us here in the first place? Why make us have an inner desire to be good when all we do is fuck things up? Why is it that at least when we are trying we get shit on while others don't give a flying fuck and have it made? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS CYCLE OF BULLSHIT WE CALL LIFE?
How fair is it to place us in a world and let us build happy lives only to throw us in hell? How fair is it for us to be given the ability to think and dream and plan for a future that might end tonight? How fucking fair is it? Tell me! I need to know if anyone else sees a problem with this? I have tried to heed advice. People have said I shouldn't question God. For whatever His plan is we can be assured it is what is best. I have tried to just trust him. I really have tried. Fuck, maybe I do still have trust issues.
I am numb. Completely to the point where I don't care one way or the other what direction my life takes. All I know is that it goes on and will continue to do so until the man upstairs decides to seperate the good from the bad. I've given up so much for this life and fallen right back into most it. I have cried out and begged God to make me stop. To change me. I hear nothing...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in reply.
Silence, all but in my head; where the static likes to buzz 24-7 and there is no repreive for me. No rest for the weary. I am afraid to go to hell, but the way to heaven is so narrow. I don't think I fit. WTF do I do now? I don't want to finish school, I don't want to buy a house, I don't want to do anything. Why? Why do all that just to see it burn down later....
Fuck this bullshit.
Author notes
You don't have to comment. If you do, please don't tell me to have more trust. Please don't tell me I'll feel better soon. Please.
Something really does live in me that believes in God. He has proven Himself to me over and over. Yet, there is this other part of me that just cannot accept having no answers. There are two people in my head spinning and spinning. Trying to see which one will wear out first; but I got them both beat. I'm worn to the fucking bone.
Anyone else ever felt that way?
I am really tired. Really, really tired. Tears streaming down my face. Just want to sleep normal for once. It's fucking three a.m. again. I'll see five before my head hits the pillows.
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