absorbing sunlight we hoped to grow like flowers. until our skin turned red and raw we swayed with the breeze pretending to be tulips and sunflowers. at six years old we didn’t know the difference. we poured tiny pails of rainwater over each other at regular intervals until the sun went down we would put up the tent and lie within it, eyes open watching the comets soar. at six years old we never understood the mutual feeling we felt should have been called love. we named it ‘flower power’ and no one else was allowed to join our club. we were labeled as pretenders by the eight year olds on our block. we simply continued to sway, rooted in our judgment.
one night we were apart. I was on the other side of the country visiting my grandmother when I started to cry uncontrollably. I was already twelve and embarrassed about my show of emotion, especially because I had no idea why the tears were coming down.
it was slightly past eleven pm when your wood-burning stove exploded in the night. the fire alarm happened to have run out of batteries a couple days earlier and no one had any idea. In a split second your house came down, melted shingles, charred chimney and liquefied windows all part of the rubbish heap.
when the newspapers reported it the next morning the headline said ‘neighborhood house burns down, no survivors’
we were connected internally, externally. it doesn’t really matter anymore because when you died something snapped within me.
easy as shredding paper I disperse like dandelion seeds. my mind broke down and the countryside no longer looks welcoming. meadows, fields even colors that somehow remind me of flowers leave me bursting with translucent jewel-tears. this childhood trauma will never leave.
Author notes
prompt: cardstock.
thick paper, like index paper. thick meaning it's difficult to break it apart.
title: anthrophobia: fear of flowers.
the ending needs some work.
s i d e r e a l
19/150
In a list
A contest entry
- favorites-inspire me by new born.
1550 points, ended May 10, 6 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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great take on the prompt from before i love where you took this piece and how raw the emotion that was shown in this piece was
thanks for entering . -
Brilliant hon, finalist.
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deep
to deep for me
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Ok, first off, HOW did you create this with that prompt?! Lordd, your perspective is just -amazing-
I lovee this story, it's so heart wrenching and beautiful.
I especially really liked -
' I was already twelve and embarrassed about my show of emotion, especially because I had no idea why the tears were coming down. '
So, so great.
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kayy.
wow.
just wow. it's amazing and detailed and although somewhat sombre, it's still perfect.
i think i'm in love with this.
end of
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thanks
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"we simply continued to sway, rooted in our judgment" never change this line...
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oh wow. I am left wondering whether the storyline here is real...and that, I suppose, is what makes good prose good I loved the description of the friendship in the beginning. You really captured, for me, what it felt like to have a close friend when i was young and innocent. I feel like some fine-tuning could really clarify and lend to this poem's power.
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i LOVE the whole first paragraph. it's SOOOOOO cute.
it makes my heart hurt how like 5 year olds can be in love.
is this true?
the imagery is gorgeous, but i do think that the ending could be a tad stronger and you could incorporate the prompt a bit more. -
"easy as shredding paper I disperse like dandelion seeds. my mind broke down and the countryside no longer looks welcoming. meadows, fields even colors that somehow remind me of flowers leave me bursting with translucent jewel-tears. this childhood trauma will never leave."
That's really powerful.
Amazingly powerful.
*hugggs* -
oh gosh.
you don`t know how much i absolutely love this.
♥
emma, you are so amazing.
this made me tear up, really.
'translucent jewel-tears' is such a beautiful image.
i adore this poem, so so much.
you have got to win the gold, bby.
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thanks♥
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welcomes
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better, much better.
last stanza, maybe change 'make me break down into tears.'
to
'leave me bursting into tears' ? or you could just replace break down with burst. great job, tense conflict has been eradicated. XD -
awwwww, that's sad! how does it relate to the prompt?
lessee;
'sun went down and then we would'
get rid of then. you don't need it.
'eyes open watching the comets soar.'
i am in love with this line.
"called love. we called it ‘flower power’...we were called"
see the repetition? change the second 'called' to 'named' and the third to 'labeled.'
'the older eight year olds on the block'
get rid of 'older' and change the second 'the' to 'our.'
'continued to sway rooted in our judgment.' put a comma after 'sway.'
first scentence of the second stanza; put a period after 'apart.'
first scentence of the third paragraph; change 'at night' to 'p.m.' and get rid of 'setting your house on fire.'
'we were connected internally, externally,' replace the second comma with a period.
last stanza; first scentence get rid of 'as.'
'like dandelion seeds,' period instead of comma or no punctuation.
you have tens confliction in the next scentence. i understand that it's intentional to indicate the narrator still feels that way, but it's kind of weird. just make the entire stanza present tense & see how that works out.
'a childhood trauma' change 'a' to 'this' and end it there. :]
overall, this was really good! there's a lot of fascinating imagery and beautiful wording. the emotion is also heartwrenching & really strong. best of luck & thanks for finally entering, :]
shall give you clappies when the contest ends.
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