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A feeling called Lonely

I remember dreaming of summers, burning with a ferocity I did not recognise.

We lay in the grass, his fingers tracing ribbons down my arms, sliding downwards to find the curve just below my waist.

He had bruises under his eyes, mirrors of my own stained cheeks. Pearls of red lined his wrists where he’d lost faith in life.

We did not speak, for each vowel that had tried to escape our mouths twisted into sad phrases we didn’t want to here.

We held one another in acceptance. We were both broken, and together we felt we could become almost human.

Waking, I remembered him, crowned in sadness, of being almost real. He was real to me, if nobody else.

I remember dreaming that he came back to me.

He wrapped his blood jewelled arms round my waste, silently promising he’d never let go.

I liked his touch, he drew spiderwebs on my bare back with gentle fingers, filled with the promise of forever.

His lips whispered against my face. Soon words failed him, we didn’t need words to feel how our pain latched us to one another.

Waking to the burning heat of reality, tears stung my face. I still wonder who he is, if he’s real. Or is he just a feeling called Lonely?

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • Cyanide Dreams
    April 22

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    92

    Title: 9/10
    Originality: 9/10
    Emotion: 10/10
    Grammar/Spelling: 8/10 ('here' should be 'hear')
    Flow/Structure: 9/10
    Imagery: 9/10
    Overall Use of Poetic Devices: 9/10
    Reaction: 10/10
    Rules: 10/10
    Overall: 9/10
    Totaling: 92/100

    Wow, this really hit me. I just sat at my desk, stunned after reading this piece. I think, that with line breaks, instead of prose, this could be even greater. I really liked the emotion in this piece. It was great. Your overall use of poetic devices could have been better, I think with the use of metaphor you could have done this piece justice. Show us don't tell us. You took such a cliche writing topic and made it your own. Well done poet. The ending line just struck me. Great job and good luck in the contest.

    Josh


  • Polaja Greeters member
    April 20
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    This is beautiful there were a couple of things I picked up: "we didn't want to here" should be "we didn't want to hear" and "round my waste" should be "round my waist" -- but other than that - I really liked this - especially the little twist at the ending



    Polly


  • August Starlight silver member
    April 11
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    "His lips whispered against my face. Soon words failed him, we didn’t need words to feel how our pain latched us to one another."

    Beautiful.
    I love that line. And the ending is really good as well.

    Recognise should be recognize, and waste should be waist.

1 - 10 of 10