She saunters out and says, "How do I LOOK?"
And experience tells me I must lie,
"Just like a picture - a model in a book",
I say. Then she says, "REALLY? My oh my!"
Uncrossing fingers now behind my back,
An idiosyncracy, I don't know why!
Her endless vanity is back on track,
(They named a case after this female trait),
But If I left her I'd be on my jack.
Oh God please tell me why I can't be straight,
Is there maybe an honest man somewhere?
This situation's hard to tolerate!
We pass a window - "gadzooks," I declare,
And at her reflection, she flicks her hair!
Author notes
Does anyone else have the trouble I do with choosing a category for a poem?
For instance, I sat down to write the above poem with humour in mind, but as soon as I touched a key, I knew it was going to be serious, because there is so much about the female character in general that annoys me, and I foster so much bitterness from my weird childhood.
I suppose I'm a bit biased, in that I was brought up in a house of 5 women, and my father was never at home, and my sole brother is 15 years older than me, and was conscripted into the Army when I was about 3. All my sisters are older than me, and like most women, they're all ferkin nuts!
The vanity "thing" winds me up!
Try sitting behind a lady driver in a traffic jam, and count how many times she looks in the rear-view mirror and flicks her hair! Does that constant flicking enhance in any way the overall appearance? Of course not! So why the f**k do they do it?
I'll tell you - PURE vanity! They are (generally speaking of course) obsessed with their appearance, and I know I'm going to get a lot of flak from our alien friends, but I don't give a f**k - this is the TRUTH.
I'll just site one recent personal example :- My brother Paul and I are almost total opposites. He is possibly the nicest person I have ever met - loving and caring. He's shy, and didn't marry until he was 30. He married more or less the 1st girl he went out with. Margaret was much younger than him, always overweight, and quite ugly - yet for some obscure reason (like many fat women), despite the evidence available in every mirror, she always considered herself extremely sexy and attractive.
They had 2 lovely boys, but after about 25 years of marriage, when Margaret was 47, she left Paul for an 80 year old bible-bashing bloke from the church which she regularly attended.
My brother was devastated. Unlike me, he's a 1 woman man.
About 5 years ago, Margaret's Sugar Daddy died leaving her a few quid and the house.
She tried to get back with Paul, who still, despite everything that has happened, loves her to bits, but he's SO hurt, he just can't bring himself to do it, though they are still friends , and see a lot of each other.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, last year, he was diagnosed with a virulent strain of cancer (he's now 76), and to give him a break, I invited him over to our villa in France. I thought it would be nice to invite Margaret too, so I did.
I hadn't seen Margaret for 18 years (she's now 68), so when they arrived, I was a bit shocked to see this huge lump of blubber with awful thinning hair waddling from the aircraft with Our Kid, to the arrivals lounge at Carcassonne.
Can you believe the first thing she said to me?
"Well Robin ; have the years been kind to me?"
WHAT can you say to that? I hate her for what she did to my brother, but I couldn't tell her the truth (though I would have loved to) we were to spend 10 days together.
I wanted to say, "Well actually Margaret, I've always considered you the antipathy of the sexy woman. You are twice the acceptable weight for a human being ; you have huge rolls of fat under your arms and around your waist, and that repulsive goiter you've always had around your neck makes me want to vomit ; and now, in old age, with most of your hair missing, in particular around the back of your head where you sleep, and your facial skin lined and battered and stretched like old leather ; and those elephantine thighs which cause you so much trouble sitting down, please, take my hand and steady me because I think I'm going to be sick all over you!"
That's what I wanted to say, but, of course, like the coward I am, I just skirted round the issue and never answered the question.
Still, I rest my case...............................
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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My goodness, this is wonderful, and it's been so long since I read a Terza Rima sonnet, I had forgotten what a great form that it is, and you've handled it with seeming ease, which is no easy feat. Great job!
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Jolly decent of you David.
Robin Womanhater.
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this poem is cute and cheesy, and it's poems like this that reinforce my deep disdain for rhyming poetry.
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Hey dumbass,
You just carry on writing your drivel that a 5 year old could write then - except that we might get more sense out of a 5 year old!
Your close and personal English friend,
Robin. -
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Hey asshole,
And you keep writing drivel that a 4 year old could write, bitch.
Your american hero,
George
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Do you no? I rather lykd this and found it amusing. I don't give a butcher's 'ook for your cateegories, u can pleeze yoursen.
But and on a more serious note, you claim BCB for verse two, but it dun't even rime!!! Wot r u abart?
An artichoke for amusing me.
DuckBill
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Ferk me Platypusfeaturesface, u is right.
I 'as now edited it.
Fanx very gladly.
R.
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A perennial problem Robin. Being able to take my time I think I would have said to Margaret "As kind as you deserve" when she questioned you at the airport. As I'm someone who is prepared to say "Yes you do look fat in that" you won't be surprised to know I'm single.
As for the catgory: well it's your poem so you can choose whatever you want. I found it funny.
Jim
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Tks Jimbo.
R.
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Don't understand this Bottomdragger!
R. -
I got so carried away by the auther's notes that I forgot all about the poem haha. What more can I say Robin other than all your work makes me laugh cheers me up no end. Thanks for that and well done mate it takes a genius to make people laugh and cost's nothing to boot. Bottomdragger.
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funny
and i need not tell u where it needs fine tuning...
i still maintain.. u have a funny light hearted best seller hidden some where....
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It was alright. The rhyme sceme was plan, the metaphors lacking and other literary devices lacking. It was an entertaining read, but I think it needs a little revision. You add punctuation where it is needed, generally, but then leave it out for a stanza or line where there should have been some.
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Sorry Nick, can't agree about the punctuation critique.
As far as I'm concerned, the punctuation is perfect - other than the dropping of commas at the end of sentences, which is something I traditionally do.
What do you mean by "the rhyme scheme was PLAN"?
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Kind regards,
Robin. -
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"Plain"* Sorry. As in, it worked for the poem, but was nothing new. So there was a meaning behind the punctuation? Then it's fine by me. Though... I'm not sure what it is.
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NB The rhyming scheme was one I read by someone else, and plagiarised because I liked it.
It goes ABA BCB CDC DED EE, and has a name - though I can't remember what that is.
R. -
Nick,
You said that I left punctuation OUT for a line or a stanza.
Kindly point out to me where you consider punctuation has been "left out".
Robin. -
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For instance, the lines: "Oh God please tell me why I can't be straight/Is there maybe an honest man somewhere?" there is nothing to tell the reader that the first line ends, so that one does not read the two as one sentence, for that simply makes no sense.
Forgive me for not being clearer. Most rhyme schemes are copied, rarely invented anew every time. I meant the rhymes themselves in the scheme. -
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I take your point Nick - as I say, I've got into the habit of NOT using commas at the end of each line, which is traditional I suppose, but I now see where you're coming from, and will edit accordingly.
Many thanks for your trouble,
Regards,
Robin.
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funny, cute.
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Thank you very glad my little Canadian friend.
Robin.
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Nice 
Robin
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Tks Jules, though I'm not happy with the rhythm.
R.
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