in the morning a sunrise
swiftly comes to eradicate
the night with its
penetrating fire while flowers
flow beneath following
the winding path to the
depths of a concrete
creation formed because of
the apple bitten into by
the inferior and
daunting humans who are
unable to see that
hell spawns at the
door steps of these flowers even though
it's in plain sight because
they have let nights'
shadow become
indestructible
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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i like it. It ia really good, but i feel like i need to take a breath!! its all a little run-on, but i still like it alot.
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I love the last lines "unseen because nights' shadow is now indestructible". This is a good poem but I dont know much about poetry so I couldn't tell you like what you need to work on but I really liked this poem.
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This is a great poem, the words chosen paint a detailed picture. The only thing that I would say to improve it is the flow. When you break off each line it seems so choppy, maybe try putting periods and commas in and using different end words so it can just keep coming without all the sudden stops.
~ToxicSuicide. -
The imagery is amazing, I love it!
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I love the way you opened this:
"in the morning a sunrise
swiftly comes to eradicate
the night with its
penetrating fire"
Your words paint a very vivid picture of a blazing sun swiftly arriving to sweep away the darkness of the night, fire across the horizon with soft colors underneath. I like how you tie it into "the concrete creation" as well. It's always been there to blot out the night, this sunrise. It's ancient, almost wise. Very beautiful write. Great job.
The only thing I would suggest is that you perhaps break this into stanzas or at least include punctuation. There's a part of me that appreciates it with no punctuation, because each part just seems to blend into the rest, but another part of me is like ARGH! PUNCTUATION! Lol, it's your call.
Anyways, this is gorgeous.
Keep it up.
Peace && Blesses,
~Rain
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