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Decisions

I've come to the realization that
I really don't care what people think of me anymore.

All my life deep down inside of me
I been striving for the approval of others but never really got that approval.

I have always wondered why I have felt like shit and why I always beat myself up
but in the end the simple pleasures in life was just not worth living for.

All my friends say they care about me and want only the best for me
but I question to myself do they really know what is best for me or they trying to cover up their mistakes and take control of a vulnerable me?

I have always been taking a walk on a fine line between living life like I am now
and taking a shot at the wildside in life but really in the end I'm content with where I am now.

I been thinking outside of the box and been wondering to myself why I am even still alive because given how many times I have faced death should I not be dead or am I still spared for another reason?

I guess despite all this soul searching I been doing and talking with alot of these so called experts about life, it all ultimately comes down to the decisions you make in life and how they impact the life you created for yourself.

I feel like if someone just kick started my heart then maybe I would begin to realize that life is worth living and start experiencing the pleasures that life has to offer.

I just truly feel like my life has a greater purpose and meaning but what could it be and when will I find this meaning?

I may never know but all I know is in the end the crystal clarity of life will unblurr itself right before my eyes and I don't want to be one of those bozos who kicks themselves when its too late to change the mistakes of life.

I guess mistakes in life lead to better choices down the road and better choices lead to a better healthier life style.

Author notes

chose the background because the spiraling stairs represent the minds track of processing and how these stairs will lead you to many different places just like our thought patterns lead to difficult choices.

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • oldschoolhero gold member
    May 12

    Edit | Reply
    "I been striving for the approval"
    act like you have approval, and you have approval.

    your friends are crazy.

    soul searching takes silence.
    stop thinking for a second.. practice. until you can go a whole day without your mind clattering. youll have your thoughts on reigns and be done with useless thoughts that lead to negative emotions.
    it also helps.. to identify the thought in ur head that happens when ur mood changes. mine are funny.
    like, examples.. xD
    "i feel so tired. and soar. [this thought changes my mood!!]
    "i f***ing hate my mom"
    lol
    dont blame me!! .. but yeah. and its weird, when i identify the thought that occurs before my mood transitions.. it disappears. sweet shit.

    "worth living and start experiencing the pleasures that life has to offer."
    thats the best. experience is amazing. and yeah.

    just truly feel like my life has a greater purpose.. " so do i. and im chasing after the truth.. and there is so much beauty to simply chasing after the truth its amazing, even if the fruits of your blood and sweat are little.. its quality not quantity. =]

    but yeah. a healthier life style ultimately is useless eh?
    i like to keep the creator in mind.. and learn about his creation. so far, the creator is absolute. and ehh that philosohphy is complicated and i already have an essay but yeah. lol. absolute in all ways including goodness, since bad is the lack of good.

    yup
    so we were made from good. tf, there is mercy. life is an awesome thing. you just have to live it.. [while not hurting people. or yourself]

    =]]

    much love,
    oldschool


  • Fritz O skennick gold member
    April 15

    Edit | Reply

    Love it...

    Thoughtful, honest & heartfelt...
    Thought provoking & contemplative too, in that it forces the reader to assess their own feelings/situations/experiences on the path of life... Sounds like you've been stuck at the crossroads for a while & finally found a path that makes you happy...
    Keep up the good work...
    Well penned, well versed, well done!!!


  • CountryCousin
    April 8

    Edit | Reply

    Well I think.

    I think you took time to look at yourself and decide that perhaps maybe you are still alive because you worked for it. Yes better choices do come and I know that well.


  • perfectsunset gold member
    April 8

    Edit | Reply
    Aww.. this was so emotional
    and honest, coming straight from
    the heart. I know what it feels to
    have felt like this before, but you
    are strong and wise, and you know
    how to get a grip on your life and
    reel it in the right direction. We all
    make mistakes, but to learn from them
    that's the true lesson and you have done so.

    This was such a profoundly deep write
    and so beautifully expressed.

    Loved it! Can't wait to read more


  • Andi. gold member
    April 8

    Edit | Reply
    oh paulie, yet another sad write.
    i cant put into words how this made me feel, but it was indeed sad, in every aspect of the word.
    well done buddy
    ♥ Dani

1 - 5 of 5