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Abandoned

An old pudding cup,
A one hundred dollar bill,
A picture of a girl closeup,
On the windowsill.
A forgotten memory,
Tucked away,
Meant to be forgotten.
A bottle of pills,
Split across the floor,
A torn shirt made of cotton.
A clock that hasn't ticked,
Since it was thrown against the wall,
A letter that made him sick,
And made her curl up in a ball.
A photo of a smiling couple,
Riped in two,
On the floor.
A video of a dancer supple,
With the handwritten title,
'Gracie's Performance 2004'.
A torn curtain,
With red stains,
A note folded,
That was never delivered.
A book with the cover gone,
The old house that makes me,
Shiver.

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • Aerden gold member
    June 19

    Edit | Reply
    This poem was wonderfully sad, eerie,and just a bit crepy. I enjoyed reading it very much. Thank you for entering my contest.


  • SubKitten
    May 1
    Edit | Reply
    Very dark imagery with a chilling tone. Well written all around, and the flow was fairly smooth. The only problem I had with it was the ,'s were a bit overused. They're not needed at the end of every line, and a lot of these lines would be better off without them. Only use them when you want the reader to pause, otherwise they're pausing in the middle of sentences.

  • Brian A
    April 16
    Edit | Reply
    Please type the form into the AN.


  • Umi Juvariel
    April 9

    Edit | Reply
    Your word choice in this piece really made me nod my head. I enjoyed it. Excellent write and good luck in my contest.

  • great

    i loved the rhyming u used here. jolly good poem

  • I don't know what to say..


  • dieu.
    April 7
    Edit | Reply
    oooh, yummy. i ate that up and loved it. well done.

1 - 8 of 8