Daddy is Home
It’s nine pm; the door bell rings,
Daddy’s home! The little boy sings!
Just one year old and two feet tall,
He races right across the hall.
With sparkling eyes and happy smile,
He cannot wait even a while.
As daddy enters his abode,
He’s welcomed with this happy mode.
Leaving all worries at the door,
He sweeps his son from off the floor.
“Though life has proved an endless joy,
None compare to my little boy”.
They start a sweet and boyish game
It’s with a ball and has no name!
There’s cricket, hockey and football
A lively mixture of them all.
But just as fun had gained its zing,
Daddy’s cell phone started to ring…
The cell phone hummed its dreary beat
The young boy froze right on his feet.
“Will Daddy still have time to play”?
His tearful eyes, they seemed to say.
“Or will he send me off to bed
And do his office work instead”?
“No way my boy”! Daddy announced.
“The ball is screaming to be bounced”!
The boy squealed in pure delight.
Started playing with all his might!
The cell phone soon had lost its ring,
It just did not have the zing.
Bed time stories followed soon
Lulling the boy beneath the moon.
The little baby smiled in sleep,
As daddy gently kissed his cheek.
“One thing dear God do help ensure…
Our father-son time’s always secure”
- Poetry Circus group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Make My Heart Ache by AshesFromFire.
900 points, ended April 16, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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This is beautiful! And I love your bear border. Yes, one could quibble about grammar,etc., but the important thing is there---you have the feelings right! Bless that little boy's heart, and yours!
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thank you for encouragement
i agree- in writing a poem a bit of poetic licence is a poets right.. its more important to get the "feelings" and "thought" right
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Very sweet.
Very cute.
I never really had parents like that, and thats why this poem touches my heart. The way a father should love his child.
You have a really amazing begining here. With a little editing I can be a master peice.
Good luck in my contest. -
OK....
Grammatically, it should be "Daddy's home," the little boy sings.
I prefer "he cannot even wait a while".
2nd line 2nd verse, grammatically should be "he's welcomeD in this happy mode".
Also "he sweeps his son from off the floor" would be better English.
I would prefer "though life has proved an endless joy".
Ditto "lulling the boy beneath the moon".
I don't like "innocent baby smiled in sleep", and would prefer something like "he innocently smiled in sleep".
NB You use the word "zing" twice and on the first occasion, not in context, so it doesn't make sense :- literally, "zing" means a low buzzing or ringing tone, and colloquially, I suppose it could be taken to mean "zip" or "passion".
I would at least change the 1st "zing" thus :-
"But just as fun was escalating,
A mobile phone started vibrating".
Like I explained before, you don't need exactly the same amount of syllables in each line to create flow. Your poem above is virtually all 8 syllable lines.
My 2 lines above are both of 9, but because they come together, in pattern, they will flow.
You could have the following syllable count to yr verses and it would still flow well :- 8,10,8,10,8,10 or 9,8,9,8,9,8 etc.
Finally, do you not think the poem's a little "soppy"?
Couldn't Dad arrive home from work in a foul mood, slap his wife across the face, grab a beer from the fridge, and smash off the top of the bottle on the table in order to open it ; perhaps a shard of glass could fly off the bottle and pierce the little boy's carotid artery, causing him to bleed to death in the ambulance on the way to the hospital?
Do you like MY version?
Kind regards,
Robin.
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Dear Kit-kat,
Still not perfect, but if you change the following lines thus ; it will be.
but that's just the rhythm sorted out.
you have grammatical flaws which need addressing, and I'll come back to those if I may :-
"The boy THEN squealed in pure delight".
"It simply did not have the zing".
"Bedtime stories NEXT followed soon".
"Our playtime always is secure".
Kind regards,
Robin. -
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Dear Robin,
that was very helpful...
oh and u must point out the grammatical flaws...
thanks
A.
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Frankly..
...this was rhythmically a little bit awkward in places, but still very sweet.
Well done.
Robin.
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yes, am working on the meter... could you please point out the parts awkward to you?
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Try counting syllables Kit-Kat.
It's not an infallible system, but it's a good guide.
EG 1st verse :- 987888 ; 2nd 988889 ; 3rd 888 10 88 ; 4th 898888 ; 5th 788779 ; 6th 889899.
It now is clear where the problems lie.
I'm not suggesting that every line should have the same number of syllables, but a PATTERN should be evident IMO, to make it rhythmical.
EG Verse 3 : change 4th line to "A lively mixture of them all", and you have perfect rhythm.
Kind regards,
Robin. -
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that was very helpful thank you.
i too am a fan of rhythm... a poem must flow ...
oh n I am Kat-Pat... not Kit-Kat
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I prefer Kit-Kat, it's much sweeter!
R. -
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ok its cool then
btw do go through the poem now.. i have completely revamped it.
A
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wow
how refreshing it is to see that the dad in this piece just let the stupid phone keep ringing because nothing in the world should ever come before your family i loved it it was a beautiful piece thank you for sharing
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a pleasure
thankyou.
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nice poem
Just one or two mistakes "red" instead of read
"tearful"instead of "teary"."as daddy enters his sweet domicile,he's welcomed with a happy smile"
"Mode" is fashion or method.Otherwise a lovely Poem
Thanks for sharing ...George...
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george
no no i meant "one read his eyes" as in reading.
I like tearful and am incorporating it
Mode means fashion or method.. but it also means manner or way.. hence i stick to that.
have made some other changes too...
thank you for the feedback.. i always appreciate critical reviews.
aarti
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this is precious and i wish you the best of luck in this contest that you have entered. viyanna rosemarie
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As a vampire I sadly have no offspring but I am very fond of drinking blood from people of several generations. I thought this poem was sweet but then I am a sucker for sentimentality. In fact I'm a sucker, nonstop!
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beautiful sentiment through this... perhaps if more "men" took their responsibilities seriously, the world may be a safer place...
this is gentle and loving
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