Are all these dreams for nothing,
the yearnings of a fool
or can you forge a future
with passions of the soul?
The sage has given warning;
dark murmurs hint of one
conversant with the morrow -
obsession has begun.
You set out on your journey
intrepid in your quest
to ascertain the answers
you feel you must possess.
.... only Time can tell,
but she’s a cruel seductress
who guards her secrets well.
Now summoned from her lair
with pretense she’ll begin -
exploit your intimation
to gently lull you in.
She promises to tell you
you’ll have to pay her price
of the payment she requires
mere gold cannot suffice.
‘Linger here a little while..
she’ll whisper in your ear
‘I’ll only take a moment
a day, a week, a year...’
.... only Time can tell,
but she’s a cruel seductress
who guards her secrets well.
To salvage your existence
you beg for your release
from this present hell you’re in,
a web of her caprice.
She’ll clench you in her fury
put pressure to the vice
for you played her parlous game
unmindful of the price.
When she finally tells you
you’ve lost the will to fight
retreated from the battle
and slipped into the night.
.... only Time could tell,
but she’s a cruel seductress
who guards her secrets well.
Author notes
parlous = perilous or dangerous
caprice = impulsive change of mind
intrepid = fearless
intimation = vague understanding
conversant = familiar as by experience
A contest entry
- Prewrites. ♥ by GraveyardGoddess.
400 points, ends November 27, 417 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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".... only Time could tell, but she’s a cruel seductress who guards her secrets well." i just loved those lines. thank you so much for entering my contest and best of luck!
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oh, and feel free to delete my comment..
i just popped over to your page after seeing that you read me and saw your author's page...
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Thanks for the tips, I was bothered by the number of you/yours etc.. in the piece, but wasn't sure what to do with them.
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some quick thoughts..
i don't know much or care for rhyme scheme.. so i can not speak on that particularly without sounding prejudiced-- so i will speak on what i know
i don't think the repetition works for you here
-- it actually feels sort of goofy.. it is a nice phrase that you repeat but once said, it is said..
"To salvage your existence
you beg for your release
from this present hell you’re in,
a web of her caprice."
your, you, your, you're, her... too much..
which says too little-- leaves this stanza uninteresting........oftentimes when i am using pronouns i will back track through the piece and try to excise some from the piece..
now your rhyme scheme needs the word-but why not color it (i am not suggesting the words you should use just demonstrating)
"to salvage bland existence
you beg for sweet release
from this present hell abiding
a web of iced caprice"
also -- nix the author notes..
very nice attempt for a beginner writer.. very nice
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Awesome !
A most splendid poem , beautifully crafted !
Brought a smile to my day thank you !!
Best wishes & hugs , Friend Easy
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Thanks! I am glad you enjoyed it. I took several months for me to pull this one together.
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Good use of the repeated phrase. It grows in meaning and depth as the poem moves along. There fore it helps to tie the poem together and adds meaning as well as coherence.
The rhyme scheme and meter add to the flow and coherence. Meaning, I didn't find the rhymes strained or controlling the course of the poem. Over all a very deft and intriguing write.
Peace,
Tom B. -
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Thanks for checking it out for me!
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i love your rhyme sceme and personification of Time. It had a natural flow!
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Thanks! I still have a lot of work I want to do on this one, but just can't seem to find the time oddly enough!
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You do rhyme really good.
Enjoyed this.
Joe
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Excellent write.
I thoroughly enjoyed the read.
Great rhyme & imagery.
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I will have to comment on this later, I'm still milling it over, but wanted to leave some applause lol.
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Thanks, I look forward to your comment!
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Good work
I like the rhymes and the way you have indented certain verses works for me as does the ellipsis, if that's what it's called (...)
Enjoyed your write.
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Thanks, I did that b/c they seem to mess with the flow, but it's supposed to be the focal point of the poem. I'm still trying to work it all out. Thanks for the feedback!
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LIke it as it is except for one word. Parlous should be parlor. Parlous, I am not sure is a word, and if it is in this place it feels contrived. Like you dance with time and the arguements ensuing. you should read my newest with its prompt of sun dial. You started with two verses and then repeat but the final ties up so nicely I think you can get away with three.
A very impressive work. Good metaphor, nice symbology and meaning to feast upon.
Love,Tom B.
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Thanks for checking it out. (parlous means perilous or dangerous - it's an old English word that is no longer in use but I just like the way the word sounds.) I ran across it about a year ago looking up a synonym for dangerous and it stuck in my mind.
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Excellant!
I think this is an excellant poem and you are on the right track. I learned a new word from this poem. I was unfamiliar with the word "parlous". The only thing that bugged me was the refrain but it wasn't a big deal. Great use of rhyme (which I am terrible at) and metaphor.
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Thanks! (I want to change the refrain up a bit too, just haven't decided how to do it yet.)
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