the concrete
amidst cloudless azure -
urban skies
Author notes
ASSIGNMENT:
I want you to write one haiku by using images - in particular what you can see or hear around you, either in your backyard or somewhere close to where you live. Don't write your haiku at a desk. Please go outside and write about what you can observe around you.
The first two lines set up a situation and the next line surprises (enlightens) the reader with a contrast/juxtaposition. Your haiku can be written about nature or a contemporary observation. The subject matter is open... the style of the haiku is not. Please follow the instructions.
Remember.... haiku use a two part structure:
1) a phrase using two lines;
2) a fragment, using one line.
Try also to reveal the situation rather than tell it. The author's personal feelings, opinions and ego must not be used. Please write what you observe around you using any of the five senses (sight, hearing, smell, etc.) That's what a quality haiku is..... showing two moments in time, written in everday, common language, using clear, precise and vivid images.
Please try to write about what you can see around you or in your back yard, otherwise your haiku may be a little too cliched and generic.
In a list
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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fabulous...i've always loved the city, especially at night...there's just something so dark and mysterious...adventuresome...about the city...this captured that love in so few words...they say pictures can paint a thousand words...never to they mention how gifted the poet is who can paint a picture with so few...great job...love it...adding your as a fave...
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Jem, I think the first two lines and the final line actually describe the same thing - or rather the last line is a definition of the thing described in the first two. What you should be aiming for in this kind of haiku is to express very subtly the fleeting emotion that the scene (1st two lines) evokes in you.
Go out and look at the townscape against the blue sky again. How do you feel? How can you express that - or rather imply it - in a few syllables.
Let me give you an example. This is one of mine, describing finding a bunch of wild flowers waiting for me on Valentines day. All three lines are descriptive, but the last line does more than simply describe:
early snowdrops
left on the doorstep
I catch my breath
I hope you see what I mean.
By the same score, your haiku above might have been:
the concrete
amidst cloudless blue -
I raise my eyes
See what I mean? The last line could mean more than simply looking up - it could mean a slight change of mood towards the optimistic. I think that is what your teacher is driving at.
Full compliment of bunnies, just because you're you!
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Thanks, hun.
The notes said not to use personal feelings so I tried to avoid that being as I see urban skylines as so devoid of artistic inspiration. Sat there on what was a glorious sunny Friday afternoon, not being able to feel the sun because man made ugly buildings blocked it out was actually quite suffocating. Maybe I should have done this at home not at work.
The first draft was:
the concrete
amidst cloudless blue -
urban invasion
Believe it or not I am a city girl born and bred - where I live on the outskirts of Swindon is the best of both worlds. One direction lies the hectic chaos of urban life which in reality I can't do without, the other, the tranquility of a river, farming lands and wildlife.
I really don't get how a haiku is written - hence I am doing the course at least that way if I still don't get it I have tried and can let it go. -
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Actually, now I have calmed down after my rant, I realise I am doing your teacher a bit of an injustice. I know what she's trying to say. It's still simplistic and a wee bit off target, but never mind.
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Then I have to say that the teacher doesn't know which end of a haiku is which. The evocation is an absolute essential. The writer can't divorce herself from her feelings nor from her ego. However, the important thing is the transitory nature of the experience - the emotions and the ego only in their proper place within it.
Yes ego and feeling should be out of the equation entirely if one is tempted to write a haiku baldly saying "My lover left me and I'm feeling fed up". But not, not, not if the observer herself is part of the moment.
Let me give you an example - it is one I give again and again. It's an example of how subtle the writer's involvement can be:
snow melts
and the village floods
with children
(Issa)
Superficially it is all observation; but the fact that the last line stands alone and brings the surprise that it is not snowmelt-water that floods the village but children, is in itself the evidence of the chuckle in the writer's heart. I grant you that what it does not do, is have any "me-language" in it. That's good. Maybe if that's what your teacher means, she has a point.
No, no, no - do not tell me that ego or emotion have no place in a haiku.
It all goes to show me that one "learn" haiku on a course! Best way to learn is not to write them to someone else's orders. You could do what I do - avoid writing them at all, unless the actual moment occurs when one must.
M
PS: The urban skyline does not have to be full of "artistic inspiration". It simply has to be there for the writer to observe, to catch sight of, and to enwrap the writer in a moment. Your first version has, again, a definition in line 3, which I still think doesn't work.
And - oh good grief - a haiku doesn't show "two moments"! Good Lord what piffle! It's a single moment, a single experience, and one which is conveyed immediately (i.e. without a mediate agency) from the writer's experience to the readers. Oh gorblimey, the stuff people say about haiku - I despair! It really does make me want to give up. -
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Like most things I guess there are as many opinions as there are opinion makers hun. And out of all that you and others say I'll make my own that is learning. I don't intend being a carbon copy of anyone, that sort of defeats the object of creativity.
Few days ago ask me what a haiku was and I'd say Japanese 575 - why because that is what I had been taught. Oh and they are about nature. Now that is terrible, and don't shoot me for it, I am trying to make sense of it all. I have a feeling that's all about to change somehow.
Anyhow I am noting what you say as always.
Many thanks
Jem x
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Ah, there are those who agree with me, and the other blind, prejudiced fools.
Next time you have some leisure, sit and watch nature with half a mind. Then, when the moment happens, write me a 4-6-4 or 4-5-4 haiku. When you have done six like that, get back to me. Nature isn't a bad starting point.
Bitch, ain't I~!
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You said it! Who am I to argue?
I am such a BRAT
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What's more, I am a bitch in a manic phase.
(and who am I to argue?)
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Lovely haiku. Great lesson.
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a wonderful haiku for your assignment good luck with your lessons thank you for sharing
maralisa
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