My Story

I don't think anyone has gone through their lives without some hard times, but I truly believe that what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. 

That being said.

I was born in September of 1984.  My mom wasn’t sure who my dad was.  But thats how some things worked out back in those days. She was 17 years old, popular, party girl, all of the above.  When I say party girl, I mean, she drank- did drugs, etc.  Not exactly the best role model.  After a year of being less than a model parent, she gave me up to my grandmother. Who was also less than a model parent.  Although, she did her best.  She had a disorder, a type of eating disorder.  She was afraid that I was gaining too much weight, even though I was perfect for my weight and height. 

Grandma put me on Herbalife Diet Pills at 6 years old.

I took them, not knowing what it would do to my future metabolism, not knowing much of anything, except that I thought she knew what was best for me.  Around 10 years old I became self concious of my weight, thinking I was fat, when the truth was far from it.  The complex that she had given me tortured me inside and out. I tried everything... I got to the point where I took duct tape, and wrapped it around my stomach, from the top of my hips, to right below my chest. I felt better, skinnier, although on the inside I knew that wasn’t the truth, I would never be able to get out of being "fat".

Eventually that passed. No one ever found out.

No one ever knew the depression I had fallen into, the silent tears that would roll down my face and soak my pillow at night. I began experimenting on ways to kill myself.  when I was 14, my Mom moved in with my baby sister Sammie. I adored her, but I couldn’t handle the strain of trying to raise my sister, and becoming an adult all at once.  So one night I went into my grandmothers room, and grabbed her valium.  There were 187 little pills.  I took every one, and laid down on her bed. 

Four days later I woke up... on a futon in the living room....

"Mommy why won’t Sissy wake up and play with me, is sissy hurt?"

I jumped up and ran to the bathroom, purging whatever was in my stomach.  I vowed never again to try to kill myself.  Sammie meant too much to me.  In some strange way, a little 2 year old who could barely talk, saved me in a way that no one else had been able to do.  I owe that little girl my life.  I moved out shortly after that.  Not wanting to deal with parental issues that seemed to have no binding.  A constant tug-of-war had ensued as to whose daughter I was, Grandma's or Moms.  I refused to take sides, I loved them both.

Making friends wasn't hard, neither was finding boyfriends.  I never had a hard time with either one.  I was always friendly.  Everyone always came to me with problems, and I solved them. Easy and simple.  I moved in with my boyfriend, Glen, when I was 17.  For a long time, we were happy.  I found out I was pregnant in June. He refused to allow me to keep the baby, telling me constantly he would leave me if I didn't get an abortion.  I was torn apart, I loved him, but I also loved my baby.  My tears flowed so often those nights...

Stuffing tears into pillowcases and old jewelry boxes

September 19th, two days after my 18th birthday. I don’t remember much. I remember waking up in a white room smelling of antiseptic and floral scents.  A heating pad on my stomach, and me screaming.  Everything came crashing down.  The abortion had been against my will.  I never signed a paper, they never could show me my signature.  Only his.  I walked numb and blindly down the stairs from the clinic thinking he would be in his car listening to music.  I never knew what I had planned to do, or say to him...  but he was gone.

Left alone in a busy city, cold and numb.

I began picking up pieces of my life, which seemed to be as scattered as counting on the next wave to break.  I pawed frantically trying to find some way to gather myself together.  I found a friend of mine again.  Jonathan.  I was comfortable around him.  More than I had ever been around anyone.  I knew I was safe when I was with him, and I relished in the feeling. 

Married October 14th, 2003...

The day after we were married, he left.  He was in the Navy, and training exercises were taking up a lot of his time.  he came back the day before Christmas, and we spent two weeks together, (while I had the flu) and then he left in January for 7 months.  That was the hardest part of my life.  My security gone, permanent saltwater stained my pillows.  When he came back, my life was once again complete.

Kathryn Alexis, Born November 9th, 2005

I went completely natural.  I could handle the pain.  It was worth every second just to see her scrunched up old man looking face.  She was beautiful.  Nothing has ever compared to how a mother feels for a child.  I would have never understood that.  She brightened up my day.  Three months later- I was pregnant again.  I was on birth control, and could not figure out for the life of me how it happened.  I guess it was meant to be.

Dylan Thomas, Born November 1st, 2006

I had an epidural.  I would have preferred to go natural again...at least it would have been better than going through the pain of the epidural.  Obviously they didn’t do it right.  but putting that aside...  My son was born, once again that feeling of pure euphoria washed over me again.  I swore my heart couldn't get any bigger, but it did, stretching further and further... and then another surprise, three and a half months later, I was pregnant again. Tears flowed- I was scared.  Three kids born on birth control. None of my methods had worked.  But a sense of joy began developing slowly. and Nine months later...

Caleb Anthony, Born November 16, 2007

A sense of relief and joy became part of my daily life.  Watching my daughter run circles around her younger brother who was just learning how to walk- scared that one of them would fall on the latest miracle.  My wonder children.  The year has flown by so terribly fast.  Often times I wish that there was a remote control for life, to pause at the good points, and a slow button to enjoy it a little bit longer.  A fast forward button would be nice to quickly run through the temper tantrums.  But I wouldn’t trade anything.

Finding my family again...

I am the oldest of 6 kids.  There is me, Ashley, Sara, Scottie, Sammie and Brandon.  I knew Sammie, met Brandon once on his first birthday.  I was 23 when we found my sister Ashley on Myspace.  From there we learned that she had been in contact with our sister Sara.  I was thrilled!  Finally, able to talk, to catch up over years of being apart.  We have yet to find Scottie, and Sammie's father has custody of her, and Brandon's custody of him.  As I said, My mom is not the most exemplary parent.  Ashley moved in with me a week and a half ago.  I don’t think I have ever laughed so much in my life.  My kids loved her absolutely.  As do I.  We all get along, and it seems things are working out pretty well.

A new beginning to an old life...

I guess the moral of this, is to look at everything as hard as you can, until you can find something good to come out of it.  I was depressed, trying to kill myself, and Sammie saved me.  Falling apart over a child lost, and a boyfriend that tore my heart apart, and yet I found a wonderful husband in the odd mixture of life. Children renewing hope and creating love where there was once emptiness. Families separated at birth seemed to find each other once again.  Every down, no matter how low, Has to have an up, and it's up to you to find that up, and decide how high you want to go.

So here I raise my glass, to the Lows, the Highs, and everything in between.