the spaces between

i wonder how many millimeters there are between your fingers. and how, or maybe why, my whole world fits there. we sit on rocks under the stars and the tree branches grow and shrink, waves in an undulating stream, bright stars shining in the patches of sky in between. the smoke slips through my teeth and i wonder why my whole life seems to revolve around empty spaces.

~~~

your heart is wrapped in the past, visibly bitter about its hold but unwilling to let go of it either. i wish that i had a past worthy of being remembered as you tell me story after story, one illegal good time after another, shaking your head and smiling, reaching your fingers across time for mine. 'you know what i mean?'

no. but i always wish i did.

~~~

once, we were sitting on a playground at night, talking through the child-size speakers, where only i could hear the things you said even though you seemed so far away. you told me a story about a little monkey who stole fruit from the grocery store. part of me wished i didn't know it was about you.

~~~

you used to play me songs on the guitar -- tracy chapman, elliot smith, james blunt -- standing there with no shirt and basketball shorts, singing softly, half-in-tune. even in the dark i could see you smile. it was those nights i'd sleep the easiest, in the beginning. it was strange, alien, to hear a guitar and not be wary of what would happen next and i don't think i ever thanked you for loving me quietly.

~~~

i like that i can stumble into you and you don't fall or drop me. i like that you can pick me up and deposit me places where i will be happier, like soft beds or the palms of your hands. i like that you never let me stay on the ground, that you'll put your fingers through mine and fill up the empty air between us. i like that your mouth fits mine even when i don't want it to.

~~~

before i met you, i was unused to the word love. 'break', 'lost', and 'alone' were always nearby, but love was elusive, a butterfly in autumn. i bubble-wrapped my heart the first time you said it to me and waited patiently for you to get bored and take it back.

i am glad that i am still waiting, counting the days and wondering if they'll add to infinity. i've never seen it before, but i've got endless holes to fill these days and you don't seem scared of forever.