Have you ever praised a higher power for your existence,
But yet cursed the day your mother introduced you to the world?
When your so filthy with sin,
And you feel worthless and pathetic
When
Not a single soul should feel sympathetic
To live in America,
Where anything is possible
But one slip will put you in the slums
Down the social rank with the bums
Damn life is so cruel in the concrete jungles
Of the twenty first century
I just want to run away
And let every single thing be
Now there is no money
And nothing ever
Seems as funny as it was
When you were younger
I think I am going to die
When I hear the baby cry for hunger
All the attempts to make my family proud,
Turned for the worse
It’s the goddamn Morguson curse
My conscious shall follow me
Through the hearse
To the grave,
And a
A soul that couldn’t be saved
any suggestions?
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Now there is no money
And nothing ever
Seems as funny as it was
When you were younger
I think I am going to die
When I hear the baby cry for hunger
- jesus christ. you rhyme... everywhere. and it's great cos it's not stupid cliche rhyme, and you work it into your poems, not work your poems around the rhyme.
and your ending was great.
kay you're on my favourites list. your writing is awesome.
xx -
oooh this is tasty, you write with such conviction, this blows me away, theres reall grit embedded in this little gem, bravo
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definite dark one... and you rhyme too? i like the fact that you pull the reader in right away, something i still work to do. easy to read, yet feeling a little uneasy. it's good to touch something in a reader like that.
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I can identify with the running, all my life I ran from people places and things. Today I am not a runner I slowed down totally. Life in the fast lane is no fun. I can totally identify with your poem its like you painted a picture of my past.
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thats exactly how i felt
about the running from people, places, and things im glad you understood this thank you!
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Thanks for the entry, Good Luck!
~Carlie -
I think this is an accurate depiction of what is going on today in this country and in this century. I agree with the first 2 lines indefinitely.
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you really express your feelings well.
good job :] -
I love this!! It's a wonderfull poem.
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Great poem...the emotion of the writer jumps out from within straight to the heart...
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Great write. Straight to the point....cut and dry. Could use a little bit more attentin in some areas. But then it would take away from the fact, it seems you were feeling this as you wrote.That is the way I like to write. I always want to change something later. But I think if you start messing around, then it screws with the awesomness of your writing. Sometimes,things just need to be written.
Again, Love it!
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Very true. Now a days you can lost everything in a blink of an eye. Everything you know, people can just cast someone out and not feel any remorse.
Great write, I think a lot of people can relate. -
Filthy in sin, now who told you that.
I think over all the poem has a strong message of dejection.
It is often a cop out to use some mysterious entity to call for salvation, when rescue is often to be found within your own resourses. In fact salvation always comes from within you and your family and friends.
I think the first two long lines make it difficult to begin, but they could easily be reduced or broken up into more lines. and retain the same message.
You see its this God that makes you feel filthy with sin, thats the problem. become the confident human individual you already are, that will help you more than any prayer to a mythical being.oopps lol.
I like this poem a good read thats still needs a little work.
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yeah, i was raised in church so you know how that goes...but thank you for the criticism i appreciate it. I wrote this when the worse thing i could possibly imagine happened, so its a raw poem...but thank you
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Melikes. Very heartfelt and earnest. It appears you have alot of pain. We can do what we can, volunteer at a food bank or a childrens hospital. Volunteering makes me feel better. I think this could use a little verbal restructuring, but overall a good read.
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A very powerful, heartfelt piece. There is a lot of passion in this. I like how you start off by engaging the reader with questions, a good technique!
A great write, well done.
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thank you!
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Great Work
Such deep emotion flowed through the page perfectly
Loved It thanks for sharing
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Excellent work David. Your anger shows as I read this. I thought your emotions came out in the poem. Thanks again.
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